I talked to her about it in a sensitive, understanding way. I also told her how deeply it hurt me to be rejected over and over again by my own wife. She, however, insisted that she was still attracted to me and still wanted me sexually. When it did happen, it was good for both of us, making the whole thing especially frustrating.

Each time after we talked about it, she said she would work on the issue, but things just got worse. Always tired, or “maybe tomorrow,” with nothing happening tommorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or the next month. Though it may not have been her intention, it seemed that she didn’t take the situation seriously and was making absolutely no effort whatsoever.

This went on for 2-3 years – apparently I was just supposed to deal with it. At one point, after eight consecutive months of rejection for sex (including during a romantic vacation we took to celebrate our wedding anniversary), I was at my wits end. I ended up meeting another woman completely out of the blue. We hit it off immediately, and after about a month we started having an affair (she knew I was married). It felt so nice to be wanted again!

Ok, so here is where many of you would say I should have just “gotten divorced.” It’s not that simple. In retrospect, I wish I would have gotten divorced at that point, but I still loved my wife and wasn’t necessarily ready to get divorced. Plus, you don’t just “get divorced,” the process takes some time even with the most straightforward divorce. Instead, I agonized over it, and the other issue in our marriage – we agreed before marriage to have children, but now she would not commit to doing so.

I am NOT a serial cheater. I had never cheated on anyone in my life. Several months of agonizing (and the affair) elapsed. I finally decided that I could not remain in the marriage, and told my wife I wanted a divorce. She wanted to go to counseling. I initially refused, but went after being badgered to go (“if you won’t go, that just shows you never loved me”). One marriage counseling session was enough – I’ll leave it at that.

We are now divorced. The guilt and stress took its toll on the other woman, so I don’t see her either. I feel sad about the divorce (I never thought it would happen to us – we met on eharmony btw), and I am not proud of breaking my vows. However, I refuse to take 100% responsibility for what happened. It’s not right that your own spouse should continually reject you to point you don’t want to make a pass at her anymore. I enjoy romantic lovemaking with foreplay and am not a 1-2 minute kind of guy (unless that’s what she wants). I suppose I could have told her I wanted a divorce if she wouldn’t sleep with me, but who wants to have sex with someone who is doing it under threat of divorce?

Frankly, I am frustrated with the venom directed at the article authors for suggesting that doing kind things for, and making love regularly with, your husband will generally reduce the chance of infidelity. I think the same advice applies to husbands, too. I also agree that this advice will not help with serial cheaters, but could help in situations like mine where I never would have thought in a million years I’d had an affair. I can say that it NEVER would have happened except after years of rejection and her completely ignoring my feelings.

As for infidelity, it’s wrong, but like many things in the human experience, it’s complicated and can’t be always be explained in black-and-white terms.

I except to get slammed for what I’ve written, but it’s worth it if it provides some insight into how these things can happen and maybe avoids it from happening to someone else.