I always get the best inspiration from reading the boards on Advice. One user recently wrote in about a guy she had met on eHarmony, who she really seemed to click with. They spent hours on the phone, sent each other detailed and personal emails, and had some really great early dates.
So where did things seem to go awry?
1. She told him off the bat that she was a “commitment-phobe.”
2. When he asked where she thought things were going with their relationship, she suggested he continue to date other people (even though she really seemed to like him).
Now, he has backed off and she is waiting for his next move – if there will be one.
I think there are several lessons we can all learn from this story.
First, less history, more mystery. If you have had commitment issues in the past, try to leave them there (and don’t tell your new love interest about it in the beginning!). Be open to the possibility of a great new relationship – and don’t let your past or fears dictate your future. The best thing anyone can do is to begin with a blank slate and just see where things lead.
Second, say what you mean. If you really like someone, telling them to see other people is not the best idea – because they just might! They also might think, “Wow, this one isn’t that into me if they are encouraging me to date others.”
It really sounds like this person is unclear about what she wants and may be afraid of letting someone in. Most individuals aren’t going to want to invest much energy into the emotionally unavailable, so another takeaway is to make sure you have dealt with your baggage before you embark on a relationship.
Have you screwed up a potentially good relationship by sending mixed messages? If so, why?
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I can remember when I was single that I would really investigate someone and find things that were not horrible but definitely made me form an opinion of the person. I have learned that some things are to be better told by the person because things may not be as they appear.
love is not lost,sometimes what you expect in a relationship is not what you get in returns.
She told him to go away and he did. What’s the surprise?
I was Dating a guy for about 6 weeks . We talked daily and saw each other As often as possible. He kept on talking about things in the future with us and how he wanted to introduce me to his kids which are in their late 20′s. The night after he told me he wanted to introduce me.. I saw that his profile was still active on a dating site. I confronted him and said that he must be keeping his options open, so maybe I should too and unhid my profile. I also told him that I hoped that we could determine where we were and both hid e our profiles in the near future. He was extremely upset at me and told me that we should not communicate for the time being. He is on process of moving and need to deal with that. He had since hid his profile but will not communicate with me! I’m leaving him alone and hoping he’ll contact me when he settles. Talk about sending mixed messages!
Hi Miscommunication
What you did was project your own expectations on to him and engaged in a confrontational way. At least that is what it sounds like from what you said.
It’s hard when others do things we don’t appreciate and also difficult when we are hurt to communicate effectively, all challenges you faced and tried to address no doubt, but for the little thing of reacting before discussing. Trusting before distrusting.
I often find myself seeing or believing an afront has occurred, when it hasn’t and being able to keep ones cool under pressure and not react impulsively, is key to resolving the situation.
Good luck in your situation.
PS. I think he took his profile down because he was hurt by your actions, not because he is still interested. If you want him back you are likely going to need to reach out to him.
There’s all sorts of info on mixed messages–except for what I feel are probably the most common causes:
1) You send mixed messages because you have mixed feelings.
2) “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” Cultural differences and misunderstandings go hand-in-hand.
Communicate
Develop listening skills.
When responding, ask the other person if “” is what they mean…missing a single word or tone can change the message received.
80% of human communication is NON-VERBAL, body position, facial expressions & such…not everyone knows how to read these, and they can differ by culture (The ancient classic is the girl who says ‘No’ but ‘means ‘yes.’)
If something dossn’t feel right about the conversation–g over it again and mae sure you are discussing the same subject.
Miscommunication is a basis used for many, many comedy TV shows (and drama too.)
Especially be aware of the need to verify if you think you’ve just been insulted out of nowhere…it’s far more likely something went wrong in sending a message.
It is VERY common for people to say one thing orally, and negate kit with their body language–often humorously.
The fact that we communicate more than the most basic messages is something of a miracle, given that differences of definition, meaning of tones, body language.
Add in the fact that many people ‘talk at’ each other instead of talking ‘with’ each other.
How many times have you found out after arguing for a time, that you actually agree?
Lots of problems originate in one side or the other using a term they dislike–and then assuming that they disagree.
Phrasing may push someone’s buttons enough to stop them from hearing any more of the conversation.