Comments on: In Praise of the Selfish Dater

By: almac1

almac1 — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 02:19:31 +0000

For as long as I can remember “be selfish” and “put yourself first” has been sold as the new, different way of thinking. It’s not new or different; and for the people that buy it, it usually isn’t a change.
Here’s something that few readers will buy: be caring. Empathize. Don’t always call the things that you want “needs.” Put your partners wants first sometimes in a gracious, non resentful manner.

By: Victoria

Victoria — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 23:03:31 +0000

To be a selfish person and be self-absorbed seems to be what so many people are these days whether it’s in/out of relationship, communicating with friends, and, or business contacts.

Whether it’s a guy or a gal, one should clearly be attune with the person they are dating in terms of large red flags or lots of consistent small red flags.

I, as a woman, would say that a high percentage of women (including myself) have tolerated rude, critical remarks (as I did with one guy from 2008)…..

I believe that if more of us women did not tolerate the criticisms and manipulation from guys when FIRST dating the guy, then we’d be much better off. No more waiting and waiting and waiting thinking that the guy will actually have a behavioral change. It will NOT happen. Period.

On that note, I sure do hope that a good one comes flying my way soon. Shooooo….

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 23:11:11 +0000

I have two failed marriages because I chose not head the red flag warning signs to get out. I thought unconditional love would save the day and make the relationship last a life time. I was very selfless and ended up empty handed twice. I was not even the one who divorced,they did! The first had a weak charatacter and cheated repeatedly, the second was money driven and lied and cheated on me with his first wife! So I am going to be selfish with my future, my money, my time and love. you bet!!!! Wise words!
I have so much to give! But I have been foolish with it! Time to get selfish and find a man who has the same heart as I !
I will never a man hater, nor will I be a man hunter. Rather, I will attract the right kind of man, now with wisdom in my corner and a self loving attitude!

By: alteredego

alteredego — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 05:59:59 +0000

As much as I agree with this article, I disagree. I think a person does need to set and stand by very important ethical standards / limits: alcohol / other addictions (including pornography, food (excessive), lethargy, work and many other “addictive distractions” that can control one’s life). As for needing the other, get over it… we are social creatures, each with individual strengths and weaknesses. We all have self esteem issues (I have chatted with incredibly “successful” / world famous people, and have been explained how the grass is not greener on the other side). As did Emerson, I believe that to hide ones feelings / feelings is to lie (although there are times when it does demonstrate fortitude to “suck it up”, it should not be habit). We all NEED someone else… without a mate to lean on and help, we will shrivel and die. Actuarial tables of married vs. singles and even added years as a function of a simple loving kiss before going to work (German study) clearly demonstrate it. To think a person cannot change is to deny that we ourselves (can/will) change. Without the need for change is tantamount to declaration of perfection. In no way do I mean that we should accept major moral deficiencies, but using the “logic” of this article to justify expectation of “perfection” and you will lead a shortened bitter lonely life.

By: Chemalyn

Chemalyn — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 03:06:30 +0000

I think the author has used a critical word ” selfish” in his column that ignited most of the readers to react almost violently (sigh). If we will not give focus on the invitation to be ” selfish”, the author has some practical points here that men and women (especially women) should ponder in their stage of dating. As we all understand, dating is the selection process and not yet the stage of cultivating a relationship to bloom. Dating is still a stage for both man and woman to evaluate if someone has pass on his/her standard on selecting his/her mate or not. Therefore, in this process we need to be careful, meticulous, smart and practical to select the right partner if not perfect. The author pointed out to be “selfish” in this stage of dating, which I think not his intention to convince especially the women to cultivate a selfish attitude until into the stage of relationship when she finally select her right partner. Instead, the author encouraged us to think about your standard, uphold it without letting emotinal immaturity to creep in so that we can able to select the partner according to what we really have planned and need to be with without regrets in the future.

By: william

william — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 02:41:03 +0000

This article is great and anyone with experience in dating and relationships and some intelligence to go along with that would realize this on their own. I was a selfless selfgiving man in my relationships and I just felt abused by immature, irrational, impractical women that think most everything should be handed to them simply because they are pretty or they remained in this selfish mindset a few years down the road. Everyone made great points and chewed the article up but it comes down to your experience and what you get out of this. You only live life once. Do it right. I just wanted to point out that there are nice guys out there that get taken advantage of just like women get taken advantage of. No one deserves that.

By: Audrey Allen

Audrey Allen — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 02:13:56 +0000

Yes I have met a very screwed up man,something in his background makes him want to hurt womans feelings,he will not get close not even for a friendship,I think it is sad, i beleive he would benefit from a relationship or a friendship,he will only say I am not open to any kind of relationship or friendship,and I can see his unhappiness.

By: Katrina

Katrina — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 03:54:32 +0000

And by the way, there are plenty of *men* out there with unrealistic expectations & self-entitled attitudes as well. Many posters seem to be using this article to be critical of women, and although the examples given are of women, which is unfortunate, I think the author meant it as advice for everyone. I do think that perhaps since women (very generally speaking) have a tendency to become emotionally involved in new relationships earlier than men do, there is perhaps a greater risk that women will overlook problems & not act in their own best interest.

By: Katrina

Katrina — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 03:44:36 +0000

Many of the people who have commented are confusing dating and relationships – as the author pointed out, two very different states of being.

Yes, relationships are about compromise, supporting one another etc. etc. But the author’s point is that you want to enter into a relationship with someone who is capable of having this kind of relationship, and that you need to be clear about what your own needs are. When you are dating you need to keep your eyes open. My last bf was a brilliant, talented, handsome and amiable man and we had a lot in common. But there were red flags that I ignored early on – and I spent years making excuses for his self-centered and truly neglectful behavior because I kept thinking he would change. He was in fact going through a bad time for various reasons. But I finally had to admit to myself that the way he lived his life made it very unlikely that his behavior would change even if his circumstances improved. Some behavioral traits are enduring, and it’s worth keeping your eye out for the red flags – and heeding them. I think that’s what the author was getting at.

By: Ray

Ray — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 02:39:16 +0000

SSquared,

I think what the author intended is that it is up to us as individuals to take our time and carefully consider the bad as well as the good. For someone like me who is looking for a long term relationship, drug abuse even recreational is a deal breaker. As you have thoroughly pointed out, some adversities make us better people. I too have some issues. If you show me someone who is perfect, I’ll show you an airbrushed model or consummate actor.

I have been fortunate to find one individual with similar issues to my own. This provides a foundation of common understanding. We are going slow because our spiritual views are different. Knowledge of points that could be an issue of constant contention does not necessarily mean stop dating this person, but it should be treated as a warning to pay attention and see if it is something which will lead to long-term stress for the relationship.