From the time we’re little children we are told to share. We’re told to be thoughtful, and to put others ahead of ourselves. “Don’t be selfish!” is a refrain heard in homes up and down every street in America. When it comes to little children and toys the lesson is necessary. When it comes to adults who are well-mannered it is essential. When it comes to marriage partners who can give and sacrifice for each other it is absolutely vital. When it comes to people who are dating? It’s poison.
There are few times in life when we need to be more self-centered than when we are seriously dating. I’m comfortable saying you should be absolutely self-obsessed during your search for a partner. I also believe that daters who practice a spirit of selflessness during their serious dating period often don’t end up with compatible partners. Let’s break it down.
If you’re thinking about a serious relationship, you’ve got to be able to determine whether this new romantic interest is going to be a good partner…for a looooooong time. You’re going to be tied to this person socially, romantically, financially, perhaps even legally. Whatever their set of unique gifts and problems turn out to be, you are going to have to live with them and build a happy life in their midst. This is no small consideration.
Just to take a dramatic example. Let’s say your new boyfriend is an alcoholic. He’s kind, loving, and supportive. As a person who is compassionate you want to help him, because you love him. He has times of peace and health, but a bender is always around the corner and when he drinks he’s terrible. It is easy to see that marrying this man is a risky venture. Perhaps he’ll get sober and stay that way, but the risk that he won’t and the consequences of that choice are great.
A person who is putting others first and acting selflessly would say, “This man needs me. He may die without me. I can’t leave him. I know he has a problem but what kind of person would I be to abandon him.” Of course, many hundreds of thousands of marriages have started for just this reason. The woman can’t act selfishly when she needs to the most. In fact, selfish doesn’t even sound like the right word. We’re asking her to quit being co-dependent and enable his drinking, but what we’re really saying is, “NOW, is your time to be selfish. Act in your own best interest or risk a very bad set of circumstances.”
Of course, most relationships don’t have an alcoholic. They do have people with anger issues, neurosis, jealousy, control issues and a host of other negative traits that would make a long term relationship hard to handle. Your best shot at encouraging change with a partner in any of these areas is before you marry or move in together. If you’ve discussed it, and things aren’t getting better. It’s time to be selfish and move on.
Clearly, no one is perfect. Relationships take change and compromise without a doubt. The point here is that once you discover a major personality disorder in a romantic partner the clock should start ticking. You should discuss it and talk about steps to improve it. If this person can’t or won’t make those moves, you’ve got to be selfish. You’ve GOT to be selfish.
If you’re single. Repeat after me. You’ve got to be selfish. NOW, is your time to be selfish. Insist on a relationship that works for you. Insist on a person you can be proud of. Embrace this time of selfishness, because once you’ve made your choice and your commitment it will be time to switch gears.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Very true. Just broke up with an alcoholic because I found myself spending more time telling him to put away dirty dishes, stop sleeping off hangovers and get his butt to work, and stop thinking he could just invite himself over to my apartment for the night anytime he pleased.
At first you sort of live with the little problems, but then one day you wake up and realize that they’re not little…they’re constant. And I never waste my time on someone who needs ‘fixing,’ because it will happen on their time, not yours.
It is not really about being selfish it is about being smart and not being a doormat.
Thank you! I have been told, or it is implied that I’m too picky. But I have seen too many unhappy relationships. I will be picky, I will be selfish. I deserve the best (as we all do).
“Selfish” might be the wrong word to have used here. I would say it better with the phrase “self interest” which is a healthy thing to be concerned about.
Thanks very much for the sobering article. I know I had always been a selfless one relationships, and what I get in the end is their negative baggage that no one else would be willing to put up with. You encourage me more to be myself the new way I’ve decided: consiciously looking after myself when I’m out to find a partner. It opened to me a whole new world of opporunities with good, self-assured people who don’t suck out your energy and concentration. We all deserve a partner who would care for us the best and kindest way; the way we want.
This works for women under the age of 34 and women older than that who do not wish to have children with a father present in the child’s life. !!
Wow. You just told the world not to date me because I have a mental illness. Only once has it totally affected my life. It is there, I am open about it, and I know what I have to do. Mildly bipolar with depression. Most of my life it is not an issue. Until now — now I see that it is an issue and no one should date me. I have an MBA, hold an excellent job, am good with money, and a very loving and giving person. But all of that doesn’t matter because if I date someone, they should dump me due to the mental illness. Let’s all be perfect, look like models, have a wealth of money, and drive a great vehicle. In the world we live in today — your comments disgust me. Next you might add that color of your skin or your weight need to be carefully managed.
Awesome comment. I have been around a long time and have never met anyone without some of the problems mentioned in the article. I have some of these problems. I understand them and continue to work on them. But does that mean I’m not worthy? I see these profiles from women with all the things they won’t accept… the list is huge (and includes often exactly how long you need to be divorced). You can only laugh at the recipe for remaining alone… that and the pictures of them strapped into their SUVs!
It seems as if it is simultaneously possible to make and miss a point. Mental illness is a very valid reason to think twice before getting serious with a potential partner. In the case, though, of anyone with a bipolar diagnosis who accepts and properly manages their condition, that second thought may very well produce the positive result that this person’s commitment to caring for themselves in a way that mitigates much of the disorder’s symptomology effectively eliminates the concerns. Emotional immaturity, however, in handling differences of opinion is quite likely (and should) be deemed an obstacle to building a relationship.
SSquared,
I think what the author intended is that it is up to us as individuals to take our time and carefully consider the bad as well as the good. For someone like me who is looking for a long term relationship, drug abuse even recreational is a deal breaker. As you have thoroughly pointed out, some adversities make us better people. I too have some issues. If you show me someone who is perfect, I’ll show you an airbrushed model or consummate actor.
I have been fortunate to find one individual with similar issues to my own. This provides a foundation of common understanding. We are going slow because our spiritual views are different. Knowledge of points that could be an issue of constant contention does not necessarily mean stop dating this person, but it should be treated as a warning to pay attention and see if it is something which will lead to long-term stress for the relationship.
Selfish women will end up alone. The optimum state for a self-centered person is alone. Dating is about a union with another person and there are compromises and negotiations that must take place. Better to be smart and just have a few important things you are looking for and be prepared to compromise on most other things. That fictitious set of attributes ladies conjure up and look for 100% in a man in unrealistic.
I think that “selfish” is absolutely the wrong word here. There is too much selfishness out there. What the author means to challenge is co-dependency and low self-esteem. Indeed, healthy relationships are about respect, trust, and self-giving. They are not about me, me, and me and am I getting what I want. They are about two people seeking to support one another for who they are and helping them become more of the person each was intended to be. I have noticed a disturbing attitude of self-entitlement among women today, and this article reinforces that. I think eHarmony editors need to be wiser and more discriminating in who speaks authoritatively in here. If this were a simple comment posting, it could and would be chewed up by other commentators. But that it is by the senior director of content lends it a degree of authority simple comments don’t have. Be better than this, eHarmony.
Selfish women will end up alone? Is that because you’re afraid you’ll end up alone because you’ll have no one to dump on??? PUHLEEASE. Women who look out for themselves in a way their alcoholic, crazy bf doesn’t will end up with a nurturing, loving, fulfilling relationship whilst men who are alcoholic, abusers will end up punching themselves in the face for not getting help when they should have.
Many of the people who have commented are confusing dating and relationships – as the author pointed out, two very different states of being.
Yes, relationships are about compromise, supporting one another etc. etc. But the author’s point is that you want to enter into a relationship with someone who is capable of having this kind of relationship, and that you need to be clear about what your own needs are. When you are dating you need to keep your eyes open. My last bf was a brilliant, talented, handsome and amiable man and we had a lot in common. But there were red flags that I ignored early on – and I spent years making excuses for his self-centered and truly neglectful behavior because I kept thinking he would change. He was in fact going through a bad time for various reasons. But I finally had to admit to myself that the way he lived his life made it very unlikely that his behavior would change even if his circumstances improved. Some behavioral traits are enduring, and it’s worth keeping your eye out for the red flags – and heeding them. I think that’s what the author was getting at.
And by the way, there are plenty of *men* out there with unrealistic expectations & self-entitled attitudes as well. Many posters seem to be using this article to be critical of women, and although the examples given are of women, which is unfortunate, I think the author meant it as advice for everyone. I do think that perhaps since women (very generally speaking) have a tendency to become emotionally involved in new relationships earlier than men do, there is perhaps a greater risk that women will overlook problems & not act in their own best interest.
Yes I have met a very screwed up man,something in his background makes him want to hurt womans feelings,he will not get close not even for a friendship,I think it is sad, i beleive he would benefit from a relationship or a friendship,he will only say I am not open to any kind of relationship or friendship,and I can see his unhappiness.
This article is great and anyone with experience in dating and relationships and some intelligence to go along with that would realize this on their own. I was a selfless selfgiving man in my relationships and I just felt abused by immature, irrational, impractical women that think most everything should be handed to them simply because they are pretty or they remained in this selfish mindset a few years down the road. Everyone made great points and chewed the article up but it comes down to your experience and what you get out of this. You only live life once. Do it right. I just wanted to point out that there are nice guys out there that get taken advantage of just like women get taken advantage of. No one deserves that.
I think the author has used a critical word ” selfish” in his column that ignited most of the readers to react almost violently (sigh). If we will not give focus on the invitation to be ” selfish”, the author has some practical points here that men and women (especially women) should ponder in their stage of dating. As we all understand, dating is the selection process and not yet the stage of cultivating a relationship to bloom. Dating is still a stage for both man and woman to evaluate if someone has pass on his/her standard on selecting his/her mate or not. Therefore, in this process we need to be careful, meticulous, smart and practical to select the right partner if not perfect. The author pointed out to be “selfish” in this stage of dating, which I think not his intention to convince especially the women to cultivate a selfish attitude until into the stage of relationship when she finally select her right partner. Instead, the author encouraged us to think about your standard, uphold it without letting emotinal immaturity to creep in so that we can able to select the partner according to what we really have planned and need to be with without regrets in the future.
As much as I agree with this article, I disagree. I think a person does need to set and stand by very important ethical standards / limits: alcohol / other addictions (including pornography, food (excessive), lethargy, work and many other “addictive distractions” that can control one’s life). As for needing the other, get over it… we are social creatures, each with individual strengths and weaknesses. We all have self esteem issues (I have chatted with incredibly “successful” / world famous people, and have been explained how the grass is not greener on the other side). As did Emerson, I believe that to hide ones feelings / feelings is to lie (although there are times when it does demonstrate fortitude to “suck it up”, it should not be habit). We all NEED someone else… without a mate to lean on and help, we will shrivel and die. Actuarial tables of married vs. singles and even added years as a function of a simple loving kiss before going to work (German study) clearly demonstrate it. To think a person cannot change is to deny that we ourselves (can/will) change. Without the need for change is tantamount to declaration of perfection. In no way do I mean that we should accept major moral deficiencies, but using the “logic” of this article to justify expectation of “perfection” and you will lead a shortened bitter lonely life.
I have two failed marriages because I chose not head the red flag warning signs to get out. I thought unconditional love would save the day and make the relationship last a life time. I was very selfless and ended up empty handed twice. I was not even the one who divorced,they did! The first had a weak charatacter and cheated repeatedly, the second was money driven and lied and cheated on me with his first wife! So I am going to be selfish with my future, my money, my time and love. you bet!!!! Wise words!
I have so much to give! But I have been foolish with it! Time to get selfish and find a man who has the same heart as I !
I will never a man hater, nor will I be a man hunter. Rather, I will attract the right kind of man, now with wisdom in my corner and a self loving attitude!
To be a selfish person and be self-absorbed seems to be what so many people are these days whether it’s in/out of relationship, communicating with friends, and, or business contacts.
Whether it’s a guy or a gal, one should clearly be attune with the person they are dating in terms of large red flags or lots of consistent small red flags.
I, as a woman, would say that a high percentage of women (including myself) have tolerated rude, critical remarks (as I did with one guy from 2008)…..
I believe that if more of us women did not tolerate the criticisms and manipulation from guys when FIRST dating the guy, then we’d be much better off. No more waiting and waiting and waiting thinking that the guy will actually have a behavioral change. It will NOT happen. Period.
On that note, I sure do hope that a good one comes flying my way soon. Shooooo….
For as long as I can remember “be selfish” and “put yourself first” has been sold as the new, different way of thinking. It’s not new or different; and for the people that buy it, it usually isn’t a change.
Here’s something that few readers will buy: be caring. Empathize. Don’t always call the things that you want “needs.” Put your partners wants first sometimes in a gracious, non resentful manner.