One of the biggest fears listed in using online dating is deception by potential mates. Creating an online profile is tricky since everyone wants to create a good impression, and yet complete honesty might turn some away. The more that one wants to appear likable or smart can dramatically increase the probability that someone will lie. Lying in the beginning takes some skill, since people are usually looking out for clues on whether a potential partner has the goods for a relationship. But shouldn’t the prospect of meeting up in person keep people from lying in their profiles?
Why are daters lying online?
One of the most frequently used strategies in a mate search is to make oneself appear more attractive or smarter than potential competitors (Buss, 1988). And online dating ramps up the competition factor while decreases some of the deterrents to lying.
Here are three major ways researchers state online dating can instigate lying:
1. Online daters can plan and revise their profiles, including in more false elements much more subtly than in person. Spell or grammar check, anyone?
2. Online daters don’t have to worry about all those pesky nonverbal cues- like body language, dress, being “on” or “having game,” or being clever
at the exact right time. No one sees you updating your profile in your pajamas.
3. Online daters can slow down and present the absolute best and most flattering profiles/photos at their leisure, instead of having to juggle all the
nuances of face to face communication (what was her name? Where did he say he worked again?).
What are people lying about?
The usual: height, weight, and to a lesser degree, age. And nearly everyone is guilty. In fact, a recent study which compared online profiles to their live counterparts, 80% of those sampled were lying in at least one of those characteristics! Men were typically overstating their height, and women were understating their weight. The lies were usually small- only within 2% of actual height, and 5% of actual weight. Meaning, it would be hard to detect these lies in person. However, the further someone was from the average (either extreme height or weight), the bigger the lie was in an online profile.
Interestingly, men reported that they are more tolerant of lies from others in online profiles- but only in the areas that they have been found to lie about anyway. Women are less tolerant overall of a potential partner’s lying- even on those things that women typically lie about in their own profiles. For instance, in a previous blog we mentioned that women were more likely to post less accurate (and more favorable) photos of themselves online. However, male judges rated female photos more harshly, potentially signaling a need to present the best photo and not just the most accurate one.
While online profiles were routinely found to have these lies it didn’t mean that the entire profile was false (those are for scammers, and not included in this blog). For instance, daters didn’t lie more in other areas of their profile if they were less attractive (i.e., their photos were less accurate, not their entire profile), or if they had casual relationship goals. Most people were aware that the ultimate goal was to meet someone off-line. It just means that the lies told online would be hard to detect in person.
Further Reading:
Buss, D.M. (1988). The evolution of human intrasexual competition: Tactics of mate attraction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54 (4), 616-28 PMID: 3367282
Toma, C.L., Hancock, J.T (2010). Looks and lies: The Role of Physical Attractiveness in online dating self-presentation and deception. Communication Research, 37(3), 335-351 DOI: 10.1177/0093650209356437
Toma, C., Hancock, J.T., and Ellison, N.B. (2008). Separating fact from fiction: An examination of deceptive self-presentation in online dating profiles. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, (34) 1023-1036. PMID: 18593866
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Women need to be very in tune with these guys profiles regardless of whether the website is paid or free as I find that there are blatant lies everywhere.
I recently closed down a match on Eharmony of a guy, whom I checked out on another website. His occupation and his town where he lives alone were totally different (and both showing that he was online that same day).
I consider myself a very honest and forthright person. It does not at all seem that the majority of guys whether they are on Eharmony, Fish, or whatever website that they even care about being truthful (nor are seeking a genuinely, committed relationship).
Because of this, I will be canceling my Eharmony subscription soon…..in addition to the fact that in 9 months of an Eharmony subscription, you should be able to meet up with at least 2 people in person (but unfortunately, I find that the majority of matches are free subscribers and they do not take anything seriously).
I’ve been vocal via emails in the past to customer service and posted a few things here and there on these boards…and, must say, am shocked that someone from the sr. management has not even bothered to contact me in order to get further feedback and make serious changes on this site. (As a former business owner, I always wanted honest feedback and, if necessary, made changes immediately).
I would be very interested in other peoples feedback on these very issues in detail.
Hello Victoria,
I’m sorry to hear you did not have a positive experience on Eharmony and online dating in general. But now that you have this experience under your belt take time to do other activities off line and if you want to try again in the future, you know what you are getting into. Online dating is all about numbers: number of members in a geographical with similar traits at a given time. I think Eharmony is one the very best in terms of getting people who are serious about committed relationship.
When meeting online, you do not know anything about this person…you cannot count on anything anyone says, you have to go by what you “actually” see. To my great misfortune and much pain, I met my now ex husband thru EHarmony–he was successful, clean dressed, a captian, a pilot….he’s ok, isnt he? Fact..he was the biggest liar I have ever met…a confessed sex addict (finally). I swore I would never meet thru online means again, but due to the difficulty to meet anyone, I’ve tried a couple of sites..not met anyone that I’ve wanted to see the third time..have encounted some liars this time too. Walk softly and carry a big stick..read between the lines and ALWAYS trust your gut.
Henry- I believe that everything in life is all about the numbers or, as they say in sales, it’s all in the activity. It is just unfortunate that I seemed to “see” more dishonest and low integrity type of guys these days online and off-line (which I don’t tolerate)-across the board in wealthy and non-wealthy areas (very educated and not as educated guys) and I just don’t get it anymore.
Lakeview, you take care of yourself. Glad to hear that you are not at all seeing your ex anymore. I guess for some reasons we all have to go through all of these experiences.
My hope (and I’m still hoping) is that there is one decent guy left somewhere, so I can enjoy my life with someone together.
Hoping and praying anyway.
I really like certain peoples comments on some of these articles.
Is there anyway Eharmony can show the state that each person is from?
Separately, it would be neat to somehow anonymously email with some of the gals and guys who make comments on some of these articles as I think it would be of great service in terms of a support mechanism for most of us.
Personally, I know of a handful of folks who wrote in that I would like to have some type of a written connection with as I, as a gal, find it difficult these days to find people/friends who I really connect with and really want to be of support once in a while.
Not sure what Eharmony has to say about this? Will look for a reply from someone on this blog……………..And, what do other folks who write in have to say about this as well??..
I completely agree with several statements. Online dating seems to be extremely popular with the newly available 40′ish crowd. What
what I have also seen frequently is how very easy it to list yourself as divorced, when indeed you are not. Some of these individuals are still very married. It is unfortunate when someone leaves one relationship and tries to begin another with a lie. I respect eHarmony’s policy with regards to member eligibility. Profiles are not difficult to see through. Pay attention to the small details. Take notice to members making frequent changes to their profile. If a member is looking for someone intelligent, but yet doesn’t take the time to proof their own profile, that should be a huge red flag. Members that post pictures of their children on their profile, but then talk about how important their children are to them, should be reviewed with caution. A child/children should be an added bonus to a growing relationship not a tool in trying to begin one. Members that spend all day or night online… beware of those as well. How many successful professionals have time during the day to look at potential matches online? No one I know. Online dating sites can be successful, but just be smart.
About all anyone can do is be honest in their profile and be aware of the people you are matched with and what they say. Look for clues in what information people present and look for consistency. Most untruthful people can’t keep their stories straight, so when things don’t add up, it’s a big hint that all may not be on the up-and-up.
Being honest on your own profile is a big plus, and being honest also means revealing potentially unfavorable information in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way. For example, I’m disabled and use a walker and I discuss this in my profile and have a picture of me with my walker. It scares off lots of folks, but that means I will invest my time and energy only with those who are aware of my situation and who have still chosen to communicate with me.
I think people most definitely lie about fitness. Come on how many people can possibly love hiking and jogging?
Thanks for the article….most of the online daters lie about their personal relationship status and their physique….but this is true upto some…some find their true love while dating…and doesn’t lie to them..
I met several people who live in here in my home town in Texas, who met their husbands or wives on this site, they had been happily married for many years and still going strong…they all suggested I tried this site, so I am here and I am for real, I pray I meet my husband here too…look me up if you want to see my profile lostsoulmate48
Just because you edit your profile once in a while doesn’t mean you are lying. Say you discovered new choices in the life-skills list or you wanted to clarify something about yourself. If you edit your profile to make it more accurate than before then you are doing the opposite of lying. Also (just like sending resumes) you want to highlight positive attributes and downplay or not mention negative things.
I have found that many, if not all, of the dating websites the men seem to be what I call “Serial Daters.” They want a life partner or a special friend. Frankly, I believe in marriage! I also find that men my age, 60+, want to date the 40 – 50 year olds. What a shame that age, instead of lifestyle is so prevalent.
Debby try being a 40+ woman and the men you are trying to date are only interested in 20-30 year old women. I had a great man but he passed away and now I am thrown into this mess I call dating in the year 2011. It is very different from when I was 24. I am only getting replies from your 60 year old men. Sorry I really am not interested.
I am a young 50-ish man and I find it difficult with the age factorin online dating. Most women in their 40s don’t want to date a man over 50 and list the desired age of the man in a narrow range around their own age.
I find it ridiculous that men lie about their height. You see the lie immediately if you meet them. Whereas, women lying about weight makes sense because few men know what a real woman weighs. We are not 105lb models and 6′ tall, and you don’t really want us to be, but if I put my real weight 150lbs and height 5’9″, men think I’m fat and they run from fat. In reality, I am a size 8, and nobody I know thinks I’m fat. So I avoid the question of weight, and honestly, don’t care if a guy is 5’4″ — but if he lies and says he is 5’10″, I just have to laugh and then it is hard to take him seriously.
Unfortunately, I have also found that “single” does not mean the same thing to all people. Single to some men means, not divorced yet, or legally single, but actually living with someone. I progressed to phone calls with one man and had to wonder why he kept muting his cell — so I couldn’t hear his wife/gf in the background? I discontinued that connection.
So what you are saying is it’s ok for women to lie, but not men? Got it.
I may seem like the young buck coming out of nowhere and may not exactly “fit in”, but what is the point of lying in a place like this anyway? When you and that significant other candidate meet face-to-face for the first time and she sees how tall you’re not or he sees all of the weight left unaccounted for, how strong of a foundation do you think you’ve built?
In addition to that, how many other people were overlooked just so you can have a chance with each other?
I’ve told my share of lies in my childhood, but I don’t understand why people lie to find a soul mate. Save that stuff for the one-night stands you say you’ve grown out of.
I agree totally with you Chris. Why base a relationship on a lie. I called a person online out on this and he got angry with me. He admitted in his profile he lied about his age so women would look at his profile as he thought he would have a better chance if he was under the age of 50 so he put his age at 49. He was so mad at me when I asked him his real age and why he would start a relationship with a lie. I am honest in my profile and if they do not like it then I guess we are not meant to be together.
I am age 57 but have found on e harmony that there are few women out there wanting a committed, marriage based relationship. I am from the Boston area, and have been matched with women half way across the country. The one who are local are few and far between. You are right abou the numbers, there are just not enough woman in MA or NH to realistically date. I really don’t find women lieing at all on these sites. They just cannot communicate these days or express on their “passionate about” whether they are passionate about finding a lifes partner, husband, and future soulmate if one is lucky. However, I cannot find anyone who even close matches my profile. Yet, ehamony sends me matches. These women will respond, tell me that they like my profile. Go through all the questions and agree that I would be a great match. But fail to take it to the next level of a phone call and a potential date, due to distance. I sometimes cannot believe the profiles I read. Most women write that they love their job, love their house, love their car, love their security, love their first cup of morning coffee, love their friends and love to travel. My answer to all of the woman who love things. Never love anything that cannot love you back. The greatest beauty about love is not how much “you love” but by how much you are love by others
It’s important to understand that Eharmony and pof are not responsible for the content of a human being when you meet. Think of it like a big database with empty fields, they are providing the whole computer experience. The content within the fields and the “matching” system is just a computer program. So really don’t get mad at the sysetm for not getting you a good guy/girl. The whole point of online dating is to get you a lead that you wouldn’t of normally had. So yes meeting someone on the bus you would still have to “filter” what they say and find out if it’s true. I know everyone wants to depend on the “field” being true and accurate but really guys/girls as much as it may sound corney you could always print up their profile and when you call them just go through it and ask them everything like an interview. Saves time and if they are honest people they won’t be offended. It’s all the numbers!!!
I have been online for a year off and on. My search has been fruitless. I decided to try eHarmony. Will comment at a later date on the outcome. So far, I have encountered 3 money scammers. Six men have sent me an identical email that I am supposing was copied out of a Online for Dummies book. None of the 6 men will admit that they copied it from a book, but there is no way 6 different men could have written the same message. My husband has been gone for 6 years, I waited 3 years for him to rise from the dead and come back to me. Being married for 40 years, my expertise on people is lacking in good judgement. I just thought everyone was honest. NOT! All that I wanted was a “last date” for the rest of my life. So far, hasn’t even come close.
I relish, lead to I found just what I used to be looking for. You have ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye