The phrase “high maintenance woman” casually refers to a woman who places exceptionally high standards on herself and her dating partner. She spends an excessive amount of time on herself. She makes hoop-jumping seem like a normal part of dating, is constantly making their partners prove their worthiness either through displays of affection, commitment or status – which she may or may not reciprocate. According to researchers, “high maintenance” is just today’s term for a well-tuned competition strategy to win over a high mate-value partner. Everyone wants to maximize their chances of getting the best partner possible, but considering all the work, is it worth it dating a high maintenance woman?
“Ingrid Bergman- now she’s low maintenance.
-Low maintenance?
There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
-And Ingrid Bergman’s low maintenance?
An LM, definitely.
-Which one am I?
You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.”
***
The above scene from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ brought the concept of the “high maintenance woman” into everyday conversations on love and dating. While I do think that Harry was a bit harsh on Sally, we’ve all encountered a truly high maintenance woman. Just about everyone tries to “spruce themselves up” for a dating partner; this type of woman might demand perfection in one or more of these areas. High maintenance women just “want it the way they want it” and settling for something less is just unacceptable. Considering all the work involved, is it worth dating a high maintenance woman?
Why are some women high maintenance?
Researchers who study the tactics of mate attraction probably saw the movie and said, “of course! That’s just evolution at work.” High maintenance is just today’s term for a well-tuned competition strategy to win over a high mate-value partner. The evolutionary theory of mate choice starts with the idea that reproductive success is the foundation for choosing a mate. Everyone wants to maximize their chances on having strong healthy offspring. Men therefore should be looking for women who are young and attractive (since those are tells of fertility), while women should be looking for men who are resourceful, high-status and able to stick around to raise the offspring. These would be considered high mate-value partners. Considering the risk involved for women in choosing a mate to have children with (e.g., he could leave, he could be unfaithful, or there might be issues in conceiving or raising children), it behooves her to know her value and choose the highest status partner available.
Each individual has a constellation of these traits that would translate into an overall mate value. Those that possessed these desirable characteristics have a higher mate value (a ‘10’) than those without (a ‘4’), and could therefore be choosier in their partner acquisition strategy. Of course, with a limited pool of partners, competition would arise within each side to gain the attention of high value mates, particularly for those who could display those coveted characteristics. So by example, in modern times make-up, clothing choices, altering appearance and/or flirting- these could be seen as tactics utilized by women in competition with other women for the high-status man’s attention. High maintenance women are just utilizing all possible resources for the win. Darwin coined this phenomenon intrasexual selection: competition between members of the same-sex for access to members of the opposite sex for mating. Today we call it many things; most of which can’t be reprinted here- but the concept is usually depicted in movies where hot girls sabotage each other for comedy’s sake while the nerd wins out. That’s real, right?
But we’re already in a relationship. When does all the grooming stop being about me, and start being about her?
We covered in a previous blog how both partners use different retention strategies to keep their mate around. According to evolutionary theory, it may all be about you- even when it’s about her. Following this theory, a woman needs to not only get a partner, but keep him from straying. Research shows that women (young women especially) will guard their mates closely: enhancing their appearance, signaling to other women that their partner is off the market, or using emotional manipulation to keep a partner close. It’s possible that a high maintenance woman is taking hours to get ready to signal to her partner that she’s of high value (and worth waiting around for), and to signal to others that her status is not to be competed against. She thinks she needs to look her best to make sure her man doesn’t wander. And if her partner is similarly high value, then she probably needs to utilize every available resource to make sure he doesn’t cheat.
Is she just insecure deep down?
Many would like to think that high maintenance women are just insecure little girls in need of an empathetic and committed partner to provide a bridge back to vulnerability (and sweat pants in public) but this might not be the case. High maintenance women may just have exceedingly high self-esteem, even if it’s based on shallow standards. Research on non-pathological narcissists (those without a disorder but more likely to be the ones bragging for no reason in a team meeting) establish that these individuals have elevated levels of self-esteem- deriving more from their own perceptions of value than from their perceived likability by others. They are also aware of how they come off- and just don’t care. Their own self-interest is more important than their sense of community. But there is an upside: they are also less likely to get anxious or depressed. If you are dating her know that she may not change, but she won’t get depressed about it, either. A high-maintenance woman might be perfectly comfortable with her dating insensitivity- as long as it gets her a high value mate.
Does this mean high maintenance women are snobs?
Maybe. It depends in part on how the woman perceives herself relative to other women (i.e., her perceived mate value). If a woman thinks that she has better resources and can win the competition to acquire a similarly valued partner, then she isn’t going to settle for someone perceived as having a lower mate value, especially for a long term relationship. In fact, research shows that both men and women generally express a higher minimum standard of qualities when thinking about a long term relationship over a short term one.
Should I avoid dating a high maintenance woman?
Well, that depends — are you a high mate-value partner? While the movies want to depict mis-matched mate values as romantic, ‘10s’ and ‘4s’ rarely if ever go out together long term. If you’re impatiently waiting for your partner while she does her make-up, or changes her outfit again, but are not a high-status partner, it’s possible that this pairing may not stand the test of time. If you’re the high-status partner, then her attempts to retain you might also fall short.
While both men and women look for a balance of qualities for an ideal mate, a potential partner needs to fall into an acceptable minimum level on each dimension or they just aren’t going to be considered. Those who perceive themselves as having a high mate value will be less willing to compromise. Think of this as the opposite-sex friend who you laugh with but have zero physical attraction for- it’s just not going to happen. Considering the stakes, it’s best to know your mate value, and do your best to find someone that matches you. If you think your value is going to leave you on the wrong side of the dating pool, elevating your own mate-value might be the best way to snag a higher value partner.
A question remains: From an evolutionary standpoint, do high maintenance women make good mothers? While the theory mentions that reproductive success is the fundamental goal of any pairing, modern times and common sense need to consider the long term. Having the prettiest girl who is completely self-absorbed might be an advantage in some situations, but possibly a disadvantage three unruly (but beautiful) kids and one messy house later. One should consider whether a high maintenance woman is going to transition her focus from being the best mate to being the best family member.
References:
Buss, D. (1988). The evolution of human interasexual competition: Tactics of mate attraction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (54)4 616-628.
Regan, P. (1998). Whaat if you can’t get what you want? Willingness to compromise ideal mate selection standards as a function of sex, mate value, and relationship context. PSPB (24) 12, 1294-1303.
Buss, D. and Shackelford, T.K. (1997). From vigilance to violence: Mate retention tactics in married couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (72)2 346-361.
Sedikides, C., Rudisch, E., Gregg, A., Kumashiro, M. and Rusbult, C (2004). Are normal narcissists psychological healthy?: Self-esteem matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87 (3), 400-416. DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.87.3.400
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Great post. A long time ago I adopted the philosophy that high maintenance means high quality. Lucky for me my husband shares the same view.
I wonder how some of the participants on reality dating shows would fare?
I agree. High maint means high standards expected from both. Although I thought the article implied high maintenance means pain in the duff. You get what you expect. Expect more and you will get more, as long as you expect to provide the same for your partner.
I think it would just depend on what peoples definition of high maintenance is
Fascinating Read.
I am glad my husband and I both fall into the same category and match well.
This is so counterintuitive!
Ummm, is there solid research that backs up the last paragraph asking if high maintenance woman would leave the house messy and not know what to do with the kids? How about a maid? After all, she is high maintenance. There’s absolutely no evidence that a high value woman would be a bad mother! Why would she be if the article itself says she has high standards for herself!
Let’s stop this stereotyping.
Agreed! A high-maintenance woman will be improving herself continually in all aspects of her being, meaning she will always strive to be the best at everything she undertakes.
Fabulous point! If high maintenance women are of higher mate value, it means that women expect more help; higher mate value women require higher mate value men and part of what makes a man’s mate value high is his ability to provide ongoing contributions. A woman of high mate value does less because she is forcing her mate to contribute more, which may include spending his money on nannies and maids instead of on a mistress!
I think they’re probably implying that in “most” case scenarios people who are high maintenance are usually people who “think” they can maintain themselves in all aspects
A woman being high-maintenance is a quick and effective turn-off. It shows that she only cares about herself and a lifetime of hopping from man to man.
You’re wrong…high-maintenance woman want everyone in their world to be happy and fulfilled…it’s the sure sign of success.
but not everybody’s definition of success and happiness is the same, not everybody lives in “their world”. They might mean well, but it’s also important to be receptive to what other people want and not just expect them to do what you want
A person is called “high-maintenance” (in a derogatory fashion) by those who are unable to meet certain expectations and feel badly for it and choose the negative response of resorting to name-calling. If you can’t keep up, then either improve yourself or move on. Simple. We are all at different levels of hygiene, beauty, wealth, intelligence, health, creativity, affection, generosity, agreeableness, extroversion, etc. Instead of wishing the other person would change (and calling them names because they are different), why don’t you just find someone who matches you?
sounds like a high value/high maintenance mate could most likely be a pathological narcissist. be careful, they will suck the life out of you long term.
You are absolutely Correct !
I Don”t agree with everything in here. I am high maintenance myself. I am particular about who I date but it is about self respect. I am always on time and my dates do not have to wait on me to do my make up even though I like to look nice I can still be on time. I deserve someone who is reliable and treats me with respect and if they can’t do that then let someone with lower standards have them.
People have told me that I am high maintenance. I do have high standards and high self-esteem. And I’ll not compromise my moral or beliefs. I am so happy with myself and I want to make others feel happy as well. There is nothing wrong with that. Respect, confident, and secure are the most important things that I look for in a man.
I agree with Mary! Period.
The only point I would add is that we are all very self-deceptive creatures. Often the “high maintenance” men and women I meet have high self-esteem because their self-view is irrational: they believe themselves to be much more intelligent, accomplished, and relationally valuable than they are in actuality. These folks tend to stay shallow and single, or eventually marry another deeply irrational person…
I absolutely agree with this. And it’s a shame when high maintenance people lose their jobs or health etc and then they’re lost and don’t know how to handle life.
Very interesting. I have by nature always been so easy going and also have accepted behavior from men which other women (higher maintenance) would never have accepted. I have been way too nice and accepting, and am now a divorced single mom of two children who was married to an abusive man. I admire my girlfriends who are high maintenance. I am trying to evolve my easy going nature into higher maintenace standards since I don’t want to keep stepping out with men who don’t treat me in the special way HM women are treated. Yes, I did Not have high self-esteem to let myself be treated that way. My HM friend who just remarried has a husband who treats her extrememly well. She tells me, “It is all in what you expect and will accept for yourself.”
That’s a shame. There are many men, including myself, that would and do treat their ladies well without them having to be High Maintenance. It’s truly unfortunate there are so many loser men who have wonderful ladies and treat them like dirt. Why the truly deserving men don’t seem to find these women such as yourself is a great mystery to me.
Perhaps KawiMan, you should write lots of articles and have Eharmony send it direct to all the other guy subscribers!
I appreciate your honest words and glad to see that there are at least a few guys out there looking at dating and relationships clearly and logically.
It’s all a mystery, isn’t it? Thanks for the kind words, KawiMan.
Amen, sister. Same situation here, two kids, abusive ex, and all. I just want a simple, happy relationship with a best friend kind of guy. But the best friends never fall for someone like me. I don’t even know how to be high-maintenance and still feel like myself, but something tells me I’m going to have to figure it out if I ever want to be loved by a nice guy.
Take care, sister! I wish the best for you!
I dated a high maintenance woman who was never satisfied. no matter what she received, it wasn’t enough, she wanted more and more and then complained that she didn’t like it. if you took it back, she complained that she really wanted it and wanted it back. it was alot of work and exhausting to be with this person and since she lived in my house, I couldn’t leave. it was a happy day when she finally left. no more high maintenance for me.
High Maintenance does not equate with money. It is about self-esteem, maturity, caring of oneself and the knowledge of caring to and for others. I do not believe that your ex-partner was a HM person but perhaps a wannabe one, you should try it again but this time with someone who can build on the same foundation sharing the same values and respect for oneanother.
I suspect she was a sociopath rather than High Maintenance. Aahh,the razor’s edge.
While it seems attractive and exciting to date a high-maintenance person, it may get old and weary after a while. In a long-term, healthy relationship, it is much better to have a mate who is less self-focused and more other-centered — externally and internally.
“Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.” ~ Al Bernstein
My last girlfriend was high-maintenance. Never, never again. It’s not worth it.
Wanting is far, far better than having…
Um, this is—pardon my frankness—ridiculous. Your assumption is that women who care about their appearance are manipulative within relationships on par with Borderline Personalities, which is ridiculous. Research indicates that some pathologically manipulative women use looks to lure mates, but not all women who care about their appearances are manipulative. That’s a dangerous, as well as baseless assumption. Way to go, E Harmony.
I think there are different levels to every type, including “high maintenance.” You have some ladies who are very particular with how things are done and presented, and you have some who are only concerned about what they can get for themselves (without regard to what it’s costing someone else). Usually, the latter is the definition used for a high maintenance person.
I personally am a dollar store kinda gal, but I do understand that there are things that you have to spend more on to get good quality. I think what this article is saying about those who are high maintenance (not the bad definition), is simply that they want to be sure of that quality at all times.
I have always asked for very little and that’s exactly what I’ve always gotten. High-maintenance here I come!
Valeris-that was a funny! I’m laughing because I understand EXACTLY what you’re saying.
One thing that I think is consistent with higher Maintenance women is that they usually dress great, exercise regular and look fit, are extremely focused and verbally direct with exactly what and when they want things from the person she is dating.
It is true that some HM are only self-absorbed, but I think that the majority are just very vocal to guys of what they are seeking from a partner and relationship….and most guys can’t handle the communications!!! Amen.
I think you have the wrong definition of High Maintenance. If you pay attention to a truly High Maintenance person, you’ll realize that it’s not them taking care of themselves, it’s their expectation that everyone else take care of them, and their wants, their needs, regardless of how high their value is. This is pure rubbish, and has nothing to do with obtaining a better mate. It has to do with the ME, ME, ME society that we have become. These high maintenance people believe the world revolves solely around themselves. And the rest of us should be bowing down to them. Pure garbage.
You hit the nail on the head!
Amen!
I found the blog to be very interesting. I have always considered myself high maintanance and have been all my life. Ws married for 23 years and was a wonderful wife keepking an impeccable home which was well”dressed’ and well kept. Raised a successful child who believes in nothing but the best so I disagree that high maintanance women are not good mothers and are terrible house keepers. How can one live in a dump when you believe in nothing but the best?
Just follow these two sayings from two different entertainment venues ( a movie and a song ) and use them when thinking of a High Maintenance Woman…Run Forrest..run!! and “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life then make an ugly woman your wife”.. Nuff said.
This article sounds like a justification of social darwinism.
I was really enjoying this article until “unruly” kids and “messy” house – thankfully women are no longer chattel and are not required to be chambermaids for their families, if the husband is not going to either contribute to paying for help or pitch in, then he deserves unruly children and a messy house!
It seems to me that what is lacking in this blog is a definition of terms. Consequently the apparent misunderstandings and misinterpretations. It also seems apparent that the term, “high maintenance” means different things to different people. It’s ok to have healthy self-esteem. It’s ok to expect people to treat you with respect, as long as the respect is returned as well. A man who is “high maintenance” may be abusive as well as a low maintenance man. Same is true for a woman. If high-maintenance is deemed as values and perceptions, then expecting someone to be respectful is a given. If high-maintenance is deemed as primping one’s looks, then it goes into a superficial level, and I’m not talking about being healthy, or trying to look your best.
I think the most important qualities are self-honesty and honesty mixed with tact for the other person. If that foundation isn’t there, the rest is a house of cards.
Many high maintenance men and women have a strong sense of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with high expectations but when they feel entitled to be treated like a king or queen based solely on superficiality…those people bore me.
This is the most ridiculous piece of dating advice I have ever read and confirms why I am no longer on e-harmony.
Ridiculous and completely unfounded. I expect better from eharmony.
There is a fundamental flaw in this article – it assumes reason and rationality in everyone..and…that both apply in romantic relationships.
High maintenance partners are that way, sometimes, for a range of psychological or physiological reasons. Someone suffering borderline personality disorder, for example, can be extremely high maintenance and not fit the intellectualized categories presented in this article.
Love is not a rational discourse.
I have a friend who is very high maintenance. She is stunning…. unfortunately, she has been so self absorbed that her kids are totally messed up, and she is working on her 6th marriage… oh wait, the “less beautiful” kids are messed up.. her 1st daughter (beautiful) is self absorbed, but not to the degree that she is, her second, (not so beautiful, but definitely pretty) is a crack head with an illegitimate child, married to a loser… and her son, thank God she granted his wish to be raised by his natural father.
She is NEVER satisfied. I’ve known her since high school and it grieves me to see the mess she has made of her life and those around her…. oh wait… I’m wrong… I’m just judgmental and jealous of her life….. is there an Elephant in the house?????
Very interesting, but stupid!
I think this is just a nice, candy-coated way of describing an intensely self-centered person.
As a 19 year old young lady, a late bloomer and a low maintenance person here, I must say high maintenance folk can be pains in the butt sometimes, being that my mom is an example of high maintenance herself.
but hey that’s them, can’t hang? Word of advice, back away slowly and avoid it haha! Pky done ranting. Boy for my age, I use a lot of words to explain! Bit I’m getting my thoughts out at least lol idk
She and I are polar opposites in just about everything but we do have our similar thoughts because we are mother and daughter. Sure she’s a pain, she has her moments of thinking certain things should be done to her liking or her version of what’s quality and sure she has her times of self absorbancy. But really fellow females, I do believe all of us including the selfless have had their moments of wanting to look their best, wanting to impress and just having a high maintenance moment in you life, maybe not as an adult but maybe a kid or when you get older. Heck even the guys have had their share of what tickles their fancy and obviously what doesn’t. Everyone has their idea of what their mates should look like or act like or sound like ect and maybe everything combined. But sometimes there are those who may do it in a way that offends the other, maybe because they aren’t ready for commitment, afraid to make themselves look weak or easy to control or take advantage of or just really don’t want to deal with their current situation as far as what their degree of love is. Honestly some people think love comes from matieral things like wardrobe items, jewelry, furnishings for their house, vehicles, boy toys you name it! But in my opinion, material things don’t spell love for me and yet I do have limitations on physical appearance of my mate I don’t really care about that either. Heck he could get messed up by a bomb and I’d love every scar! But still, no matter how gorgeous the bow, the price tag it has or the wrapping paper with glit and glamour looks or seems, you still have to consider the long term and wahts on the other side of the paper what’s being held my the bow and is the mystery really worth or worth more that the actual price. It happens everyday really. Like a Chaka khan song with the line “whacha gonna do for me?” which is what most folks ask these days. Everyone has asked that question before or and maybe even after the favor or assistance. Same goes in the relationship.
As for my mom, well she was infact high maintenance even as a kid. Folks like her are often raised to think best is always better, be better than those around you and all this other stuff. But sometimes perfection isn’t always achieved and that’s what really aggrovates the high maintenance in my opinion. But what if you were perfect truely, think about it, you have the perfect everything in your life, no challenges, no obsticles and you had no issues. Sure it nay seem like the good life but understand, it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. We wouldn’t need school, dating sites, dating period, assistance or anything because you be perfect, you could do it all. And everyone else would be perfect too and yeah less interraction. There is at least one flaw in everyone and that includes the ones who are dubbed flawless.
I guess my way of thinking does have attract the wrong type of men because I have a level of feminine habits, being a softy and becoming submissive when it comes to my mate, i’m not a leader type person, I never stride to become head of household when it comes to that, I was brought up to believe that a man is to be just that and the one who wears the pants in the family. I’m just the one who gives opinion and help bring light into the situation when needed but final word goes on him. And then I have my role as the one who does what she does. But sometimes, in our society, that’s not what females who want more than me agree on, and they do do go on what I call the “veruca rampage” you know the girl from willie wonka the older version from the
1970s, yeah they want the things they like, want it at a certain time, don’t care how but they want the item of choice NOW lol. But like I said who hasn’t had a moment like that? But then again look how much often that moment arises! -cough- all the time lol -cough cough-
Did I miss the definition of high maintenance here? When I think of high maintenance it is used in a derogatory way. I think of someone who has expectations that are difficult if not impossible to meet, usually these expectations are set on others as opposed to themselves.
So, really is this what men want? It certainly does create a challenge (most men/people, really, like this). And an opportunity for an individual (the man in this case) to always be in a state of pleasing, leaving the man, little opportunity to truly know himself or his mate well.
I guess just to argue for the laid back women out there. Just because we’re laid back I don’t think that this equates low-self worth, and I do think, or would like to hope, that most men can see this.
I believe I am a laid back woman, however, I do have high expectations when it comes to the man that I want to be with. I know how I want to be treated, yet, I am laid back, in that makeup is not always necessary, I love camping, dirty is easy for me, and, gosh, mistakes happen, etc. I have disciplines established in my own life, and opinions, but am open-minded towards others.
Men really like the high-maintenance woman huh? …well, I’m not changing, at least not for the definition I gave high maintenance. Guess I might be single a bit longer….
I have known HM women and I believe there are differences within that realm as has been previously stated. My first (22yrs. and mother of two sons) was such. She was somewhat lax about her appearance at home, and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, as compared to the “impression” she needed to make to the outside world; make-up just so, clothing superb, the “best” hairstyles, and on. To me, it became all phony and in no way indicative of the “real” person behind the curtain who was, to an extent, insecure in her person.
Now I’m seeking that woman who is comfortable in herself naturally. By that I mean that she KNOWS she needs little or no make-up, does not need to follow the latest fashion in clothes or hairstyles and is just secure in the woman she is. The REAL person, because when it comes down to the “brass tacks”, the basics of a lasting, loving relationship, each person deserves that. My opinion only.
I agree. I don’t see anything wrong with having high standards and expecting them to be returned. The high standards in relationships are integrity, honesty, equality in loving and emotional support. I agree we all deserve this if we are willing also to give it. If your value systems align the relationship will flourish. I have had this called High Maintenance but ………
I think that this article is not clear what high maintenance is all about. In my opinion high maintenance means wanting more and giving back less. Expecting your mate to provide and spending more on things that are not needed just to keep up with the Jones’s. Not being true to yourself. Shallow, empty, not knowing what true self is all about. Low maintenance is just the opposite accept what and who we are and expect no more than we can give. Get two giving people together and you can set the world on fire with love and with love we live within our means and it is beautiful. Very important to be satisfied with our selves and continue to grow, but do not expect to change the other person. We can only change our self and we are always changing and growing to become better people. Daily we learn and when we learn something new that causes change.
I somehow ended up in a relationship with a guy who had the nerve to tell me he was high maintenance. He wasn’t really high maintenance he was a loser who thought he could pressure me into trying to dress like a high maintenence woman wo he could impress other people. I just left him 2 weeks ago and I;m never going back.
Good, I’m proud of you other women who stick themselves in relationships like that should learn from you. That guy is a bastard, he’s going to end up all by himself.
I had to laugh throughout this whole article. High maintenance? LOL Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look nice. However, being high maintenance means squat when you don’t have communication, respect, and love. Being high maintenance also doesn’t exactly mean fidelity (look at all of the celebrities and poliicians). So where does that leave being high maintenance? Nowhere. Decorate yourself in your little prison because that’s all societal consumerism. So sad that people prize that, and I genuinely feel compassion for them.
hahahaha thank you! I agree!
WOW, this post is moderately offensive….
Believe me, I am all for evolution GO SCIENCE but this article denies any possibility for un-biased attraction and love. All this ‘choosing the BEST quality mate…’ I also do NOT agree that a high maintenance person who is used to focusing only on themselves to a high degree would make a good parent. Infact I find that these people are usually of higher income and less likely to have kids in general and very likely to have very few offspring.
I do agree that you should find a trusting and loving and caring partner but I don’t know that that goes hand in hand with excessive grooming skills.
As the song says, If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife.
Self absorbed people are boring. But if they all find each other, great.
I’ve never seen myself as High Maintenance kind of girl just high standards because of respect. But this blog defiantly shines some light. I understand the question about kids and how we as human/animals try to find the RIGHT on both side for long term but what if the equation changes and the female is not looking for a man to have children with and look at on that side, clarity is that she is looking forward to someone fun and to travel with as company in a long relationship….I’m still trying to understand that balance if the Female doesn’t want to reproduce, what kind of equation does that fall into because its not necessary a norm.
I used to be married to a high-maintenance man. Nothing was ever good enough for him regardless of what I did. He was a born complainer who never wanted to compromise. It was always “his way” or “the highway” Thank god we got divorced 2 years ago.
Just got off the high maintenance horse a little over a month ago. Call it what you want, but if it walks like a duck…….. well! Age 54, no stranger to relationships. With a four month ride on a fast rollercoaster, I couldn’t wait to get off. Once I got on solid ground again I was able to see how deep the shallowness of high maintenance ran in this person.
You can say these people have high standards, great drive but there is more to that personality than meets the eye. They plow down the road at high speed and do not care about anyone else……. unless of course, you pave the road they walk on with gold.
If this reads sour to you, your not a man and you havn’t gone down this road enough times to understand people who love themselves more than anything else.
Just think of this line……” oh….. I look so good in this car” Its not about the car, its about them!
By the way I enjoy body language, read books on it, and consider this experience very interesting to say the least.
PS My friends all met and knew her. They are still holding their tongues!
John
My ex was high maintenance. I could never live up to he standards. He was the guy who said things like “I was listening to this band before they were famous”. He would also say things like “we’re a team” and then leave me on the sidelines. By the 2nd year I was already exhaused. The funny thing was he was not like this when I met him. It was about 4-6 months into our being married when he started to be come his true self.
I am and still am a low maintenance woman. Was married for 23 years and now divorced. He is now with a woman young enough to be my daughter. Maybe I should reconsider about being hm. Then again I am happy with who I am and really don’t want to change just to attract a man. Oh the perils of being single again. Lol
I think I am HM but not when it comes to money. I have my own thank you. I do however expect to be treated with respect, I will leave if you lie to me and I won’t loan you money.
I am also not bossy and I think some women that are HM are extrememly bossy, I hate that. I also will not date a man that tries to boss me around
Reading The “high maintenance woman” I always fall of the track, @ how Women are totally attacked meanly; for doing the same thing for their/future/inner spirit/future security as men. and are named/labeled/& dehumanized for it. We(the higher class women out here) have found out that 80% of the men out here are self-loving/totally selfish and disrespecting. to most women and talk to us like we are the neighbor hood dog ! “If you are not going to play the game;don’t waste my time, That is what need to be talked about. Will men ever see the woman who respect herself and her body as more than a sex partner or a one night stand who don’t even deserve a “hello” ?
I think this was a great article for several reasons! Considering all of the feedback, it obviously struck a nerve for several of us.
I have asked myself the same question the article poses, because most men seem to drool when a true HM woman walks by. It seems to be what most men want. As long as a woman looks amazing and his friends are jealous, then he’s willing to break his neck for her. High Maintenence is a matter of perception. I know HM’s that are beautiful, shallow and self-absorbed, and I know HM’s that are beautiful, but don’t have any self-respect. They do not value themselves the way they should, but you wouldn’t know it without spending a little time getting to know them. They are HM to get the attention of men, then they lose thier mind as soon as a man comes around. Even worse, they base thier value on how that man treats them, until they meet the next man, and the next, and so on. You might be amazed at how a lot of HM’s feel on the inside. You are unique and beautiful, and if you believe it, others will see it. Do what it takes for you to believe you are beautiful!!
Lynn-very well stated….That was a great explanation as well as a great support for most women who get to read this article and your comments.
I think that in this case eHarmony got it COMPLETELY WRONG. I agree that in general a ‘high maintenance’ woman is definitely WAY more attractive to the average man than a lower maintenance woman, but in my mind it seems to stem from a misplaced sense of chivarly. It is my experience that men like “helpless women” and the high-maintenance woman plays straight into this mans needs. It makes him feel needed and therefore loved. High maintenance woman don’t make the best partners. They are selfish and their lives revolve around themselves and the dirty house / kids will still be the responsibility of the man (which he gladly takes on).
PS 4 years of living in Asia and seeing the “asian bride aka yellow fever” phenomen on a daily basis has only served to re-inforce my theory although happily there are exceptions.
This isn’t the definition of “high maintenance” that I’m used to. High maintenance women keep men on a very short leash. This doesn’t really mention that.
I am not sure where one draws the line between maintenance and high maintenance. I have been married for more than 39 yrs with a racy woman who was sophisticated in every respect. I have decided to control my urge to eat, to shed pounds and espouse the “graceful aging” philospohy through sporty activities, maintaining my sexual health, hard work and fun leisure time. For the same reason I am not interested in meeting women that are not ready to take on the challenge with me. So I am all for the high maintenance couple!
The guy I am currently dating tells me outright I am HM, “Emotionally HM” to be specific. It really annoys me because I think I have the same expectations as any other woman out there; I’m not particularly demanding or self centered like a lot of women I know. I personally think that individuals use the “HM” label in relationships because they can’t measure up in some way or another in comparison to their partner so they revert to name calling and blaming someone else for their shortcomings. It’s really sad and pathetic really.
Sec, I agree with your comment that when individuals (men and women) label people as “HM”, it sad and pathetic.
I would add to that, that all the labeling, blaming others, not wanting to discuss anything with the one you’re dating is all part of that individual being very insecure.
This insecurity is prevalent everywhere and it is holding so many people from moving ahead and achieving what life is about….finding someone who will go across the earth to love and take care you and you with that person…..So, those who know you’re like this (in particular-the guys!) let go, take chances, and for the first time in your life, go and believe in the person you’re dating regardless of your past everything! Please.
Good luck to everyone.
So in the opinion of the author and some others commenting here, HMW have higher standards and bigger egos. And looking for a mate is evolutionary intrasexual to locate the best looking and best provider to reproduce. Hmm. This is absolute bull to anyone over 40 who isn’t looking for a family or a provider or who doesn’t believe in evolution. What about people who are looking for companionship? Widows? Physically, emotionally or mentally challenged? Don’t they count? and sex? Like relationships, the more partners one has the more debased and thread thin rltnshps will be. You insult my intelligence and bring the beauty of rltnshps to the lowest common denominator of animalistic behavior. None of us are thinking apes. Get real. Write something meaningful. Don’t waste your talent on trivia.
There is nothing philosophical, mysterious, or real about a HM woman, no matter how she may try to re-define the definition. In the real world, this type of woman is, an over the top, narcissistic freak who firmly believes, based solely on her so called beauty, not intellect, she is entitle to whatever she wants: usually from the man/men she is dating or married too. The only high standards a HM chick is concerned about is in her own appearance and what she can gain out of it. The buck stops there. Here is my definition of a HM woman based on many, many, years of sport boinking them behind there henpecked boyfriends/husbands back.
This shallow nut case, aka GD (gold digger), UDC(Undercover whore), HIT(hoe in training), NSWH(non-street walker hoe) *guys like me even have names for them* is so embolden by the constant adulation from desperate guys, she eventually buys into her own BS and becomes a legend in her own head. That is the genesis of this type of warped attitude. As a result, this type of woman has the audacity to place exceedingly high expectations on all those who come in contact with her, particularly the men she dates, based solely on her appearance alone. Every guy must now measure up to this often hot, but extremely over -rated, empty headed, self absorbed, wind bag. But the only guys HM women can exert their influence on are desperate, insecure, “yes, men,” with no backbone, average or below average in appearance (meaning he poses no threat of dumping her or being desired by anyone as so called hot as her), often much older and has lots of money or so she thinks to fund her HM lifestyle. Thus, her main reason for choosing him in the first place. Money, security, and of course he is a royal butt kisser to the highest order who will give her everything she wants. Nice setup. And the perfect scenario for a guy like me…
… who, while this over-rated trick is dating or married to Johnny generous aka Clueless, in most cases, a guy like me is on speed dial in that HM chicks head and polishing her grill like a set of pristine rims on my car, at his expense, on a regular bases. While on that conference, or girls only vacation, or whatever trip she takes, far, far, away from Billy Boring, she is getting bent, flipped, and twisted in more ways than a gymnast doing a floor routine in the Olympics, while getting probed deeper than a submarine in the Pacific Ocean on a secret mission, in every zone, by that way above average looking guy she told clueless “he’s not my type at all.” You know the one she pretends not to ever notice because she prefers personality over looks. Whatever. In truth, the only thing that brings HM chick down to earth is a really hot guy she finds attractive, who can take or leave her, and will tell her to her face she is a flake if she gets out of pocket. She boinks him, because she already has a fool at home, who kisses her butt and buys her everything she wants. But a real man with a dark side is hard to resist. It’s purely sexual with guys like me. And that’s great. I don’t want to keep her, just borrow her for a little while. She doesn’t need anything material from me, she just wants to get laid by a really hot looking guy she likes who actually finds her appealing enough to boink in the first place. It’s part of that whole the self absorb me, me, me, HM attitude she has. She needs to know she still got what it takes to be desired physically by a guy she wish could land and keep, but she knows she can’t because he’s not desperate enough to buy into her HM BS. He has more options, unlike JGs, and doesn‘t need to settle for her. Therefore she has no expectations, other than getting boink really, really well. And they almost always come back, baring gifts, using the boyfriends/husband money. One thing I will say that is in their favor, at least the ones I know, they are not promiscuous. When they find the guy who can hit that itch the way they like they will come back to the same spot again as long as they can get away with it. That’s a fact. So if you are a guy dating or married to a HM chick and think she’s not boinkin a guy like me on the side, or won’t if she gets the opportunity, then she hit the jackpot choosing the right sucker to be a HM chick with.
HM chicks are as committed as the options that lay before them and the money they can spend in exercising those options without getting caught. An HM chick can play the role of a good wife or mother, but her heart isn’t in it, and if you look close enough you can see the crack in her fake persona forming in her forehead as she tries. These types of self – absorb women place the need to be desired far above anything else of real substance. Image is everything to them. But she can only roll around in a guys money and snazzy jewelry so long, before, getting bored, and her body starts yearning for something different and more satisfying. If your swingers, problem solved. If not, sooner or later, when the opportunity presents itself and all the bases are covered, she will make a move; and if she is hot, (very important) she will end up doing the only thing she was ever really, truly, any good at: having her legs in the air, feet and toes flexing towards the ceiling, and using the lords name in vain with a guy like me who could care less about her and only in it for the sex. Hallaluyaaaaaa!
i thought eharmony is supposed to be for those of us who are serious about finding a life partner… if you’re all about “boinking” married women what in the world are you doing on eharmony? i pray you never show up on my match page….
Well said, Valentin…hahahahaha. Sounds like this guy had a bad experience.
Wow, You are serious!
Wow. You’ve spent way too much time thinking about HMW. Time that you clearly are not using to have a healthy relationship. Looks more like you want to write for Playboy.
Vanknight- you are dead on the money and it’s refreshing to read something so honest, even if it’s raw….insightful to those with an open mind and lack of defensive ego;)
Despite all your bluster, you seem bitter about this topic.
Why do you fear such women–do HM women make you feel inferior?
I don’t see anybody else commenting on this HM women subject…I am wondering why? Only this gentleman is talking, meanwhile no women are here to agree or disagree with this comments, I am going to remain cautiously neutral, however, I think some HM women need to come out and speak up and say something on their own defense, so this whole argument can be balanced. I am not a HM woman nor do I claim to be someone who doesn’t take care of herself either, but I think that to make such a distasteful comment about HM women is also leading to the assumption that HM women are nothing more than sluts! Somehow, I don’t think this subject has been argued fairly and balanced. I admire women who take care of themselves and try to look good all the time not for men to notice them but, because they love themselves and care for themselves so much as to look their best no matter where they go or what they do for a living. I believe that a woman is naturally feminine, only some are more concerned with their appearance rather than what people say about them, it is for example, in my case, I am not into impressing men or anybody else, but I do like to take care of my body, I work out daily, I eat healthy, I love to look beautiful in my own ways…that means neatly dressed, my hair is groomed and I love my make up and my nails polished…does that make me a slut? If I didn’t take care of my body and look abandoned, my face looks tired, my body is overweight…do you think I would feel good looking like that? I don’t think so!! I lived with a horrible man who was my husband and he never cared about me, he spent money on himself controlled everything and never allowed me to buy lotion or anything simple to care for my body…so I was depressed, sad and overweight, after I divorced him, I became myself, new and improved, today you will never recognize me..if you only knew me before… I lost 40lbs, I kept it off for more than 3 years, my body looks great, and I feel great… I am beautiful and sexy! So, maybe I turned into a HM woman but I am not a SLUT!
Those people who label anyone who takes care of herself a “slut” are generally just jealous.
I am low-maintenance. I take care of myself, but don’t panic if I leave the house without makeup.
My ex-husband was seriously abusive, and I refuse to “let myself go”, because that’s letting him win. His 2nd wife looks 20 years older than I, mostly because she hasn’t taken care of herself. I feel sorry for her. He’ll be berating her about her weight, her hair, and everything else for as long as she can stand it, and then some.
I’ve gained weight in the 30 years since high school, but I work out, and look great for my age. I keep my hair colored/highlighted/trimmed, mani/pedi at home weekly, and so on. I don’t leave the house looking like I’ve just been cleaning the garage.
As far as I’m concerned, that’s a sign of laziness and a lack of interest in having a partner who’s proud to introduce you as his/her significant other.
Whoever said the best revenge is living well was right.
Wowzers. I am since married, but when I was dating- I did consider myself high maintenence. I am a working model and have been for the past 13 or so years. I also have a business degree. It isnt just about looks. Yes, I take time to make sure I look nice, but that is only the tip of the ice berg. I work hard, had my own house, car, and expected the same of any man I’m dating. Anything less was unacceptable to me. I know where my life was headed and was looking for a man that was as motivated as I was. I dated alot of guys before I met my husband. Many of those dates were just 1 or 2 times out with the person til I knew if we were on the same page. Usually, we werent! My husband was the 4th guy I met on Eharmony and weve been married for almost 2.5 years now with a baby on the way. Life has been great!
ps- vanknight. . . you sound like you hate women. Good luck in dating!
OOooooooo – bad labels – make for bad relationships. What about somewhere in between and it can fluctuate at any time? If there isn’t a call for high maintenance, at times, then there isn’t self esteem to begin with (not truly knowing what Ingrid’s issue was other than wanting to be alone). Low maintenance can’t be all that good either. Truth is that the woman maintains herself, first and foremost. That’s real!
Good to see the lines from WHMS kicking this off
I am generally low maintenance. I am clean and orderly, but if I can’t just throw it on and move…forget it. I probably would not attract a wealthy man because I am never looking for him. My casualness never deters men, but if somebody thinks that I am going to step up to wear loads of make up or get overly flashy, they are going to get disappointed really fast…Bohemian out..:).
What’s the point in dating a HM women? Her approach to life is too self-centered. Why is overly concerned about herself. There are plenty of attractive women that respect themselves but a more reasonable and neutral in disposition.
You hit the nail on the head. Anyone who thinks he/she is the center of the universe is going to make for a very lopsided relationship.
Most of the people I went to high school with look nothing now like they did 30 years ago. For the most part, they look far worse, yet some of them are in blissfully happy relationships with an equally so-so-looking person. Why? Because they fell in love with the part of a person that has lasting beauty – the inside. Those who married high-maintenance partners are mostly divorced and/or miserable. Just because a princess/hunk types may lose their looks over the years doesn’t mean that they’re going to become lower-maintenance. If that were the case, most plastic surgeons couldn’t afford to run a practice!
I was married to a high maintenance woman for a few years and SO glad that it ended. Yes, she is gorgeous! Yes, she kept a clean house. But beware if you didn’t meet the image she wanted. And it was all about image and getting things for herself. It didn’t matter how much she got, it was never enough. And then she complained when I worked too much in order to get what she wanted. Nothing satisfied. And I made over 6 figures. And I see the same thing happening with her BF now… I hope he learns before he gets hurt too much. And he and I are both high income earning professionals and good looking men. I doubt she ever cheated, on me or him.
My mother was a beautiful, high-maintenance woman. She dressed her kids like ragamuffins, beat us, belittled us, and when my sister and I became teenagers, it really made her feel like last year’s model, and she couldn’t take it. She went so far as to cut my long hair to medium length and it looked like crap – all in an effort to make herself look more attractive in comparison. As if we were interested in the same age group? Please.
Living with her 14-carat tastes, never satisfied with my dad’s efforts. He died of stroke at 53 trying to make her happy, although she bragged she hadn’t slept with him in 9 months because he wouldn’t double her allowance (she had a good job).
She’s on husband #4, and he’s like a trained lapdog. He does whatever she says, and acts like he loves it, because he knows who pays the bills (my dad’s estate).
Most women aren’t gorgeous, and as a result, most of us have had to develop social skills, homemaking skills, a sense of humor, and other things that give us value on the marriage market.
Ever hear the nursery rhyme containing the line “My face is my fortune, sir, she said”? If the packaging is the only thing a woman has going for her, odds are good she’s self-centered and doG help the man who marries. I can think of only one HM woman who is actually nice, pleasant-tempered, and not stuck on herself. She’s my best friend, and most women would love to hate her, if they could find one chink in her armor. The fact is, she makes as much of an effort to please her husband as she expects him to make to please her.
I never cease to be amazed at how many overweight bald guys with 3 teeth firmly believe they deserve at least a supermodel. Women tend to hold much lower standards for the men they date than men do for the women they date. This is totally backwards, but they usually don’t realize until one bad marriage and three kids too late.
Loved your sharing!
I know a HM women who just went through Breast cancer. Her son moved across the nation to get away from her. She is completely oblivious as to why people are not around her supporting her.
I visit to lend some support but she is VERY difficult to ‘deal’ with, and I’m drain when I finally reach ‘fresh air’. Everyone is a servant, or at least treated like one. She even offered to pay me to come and stay with her! And then immediately started to give me orders. People can only take her in small doses.
She is in therapy now. But it is only to have a ‘willing’ ear, to receive sympathy she can not receive from anyone else,.. she confesses. It doesn’t ever stop and she is never in ‘good’ enough health to be ‘happy’. Always demanding attention, at her bedside. She is not a hypochondriac, but a demanding HM women who can never be satisfied. She was married to a lawyer, who passed in his 50′s.
I feel for your painful upbringing. Vindictiveness and/or jealousy in a mother, or anyone you trust to love you, tears at the roots of your soul. It’s hard to forgive but you have to,… for yourself. Forgiveness is not for them, it saves you. I work on it daily. Check Judith and Francis McNutt on line. They have been very helpful to me in my healing, and cutting the painful emotional soul ties of my past.
High maintenance from the time I was in high school over 30 years referred to a woman who would demand constant economic benefits from her date, ie: expensive gifts, expensive dates, and they are almost always a whiner, a complainer, a needy thing needing reassurance, from trivial issues from a broken finger nail, to her paint wearing off her finger nails, and will you please kiss it for her! Are these women usually more attractive…. usually but not always. They certainly consider themselves more attractive than other women. I also know there are women NOT like this, so if you are not like this and offended by this, trust me they are out there. Are these women WORTH the overall price to date, to marry, to have a life of hell? Absolutely NOT!
Walk away, while you still can!
I think wealthy men are attracted to high maintenance women…I think it is about the prestige. If those women are not high mantenance, they certainly appear to be.
HM can go two ways. Many successful men want HM attractive women as their “arm candy” to show other people that they are a success. Another point not taken – is the fact that making yourself look beautiful, makes you feel beautiful and adds to your self image. I did my own little research project. One day I went into a department store with my hair pulled back, a bandana on my head, no make-up and an average looking outfit. I purchased something, went to write a check – and had to provide every piece of information I owned. I went back to the same store the following week – make-up hair and outfit – purchased something with a check, and was only asked for my phone number to be written on the check.
I have a very different spin on the meaning of high maintenance. When I hear it, it makes me think of a woman with unresolved issues in need of being propped up by having someone in their life. Its like a old old home that is falling apart and needs a team of contractors to MAINTAIN it, that is my image.
Women like this can be anyone from a glamorous, sexy looking celebrity to a dowdy, shy, self conscious unassuming woman and all points along such a spectrum of personality. To me it is a term about the psychological health of the person. Attractive HM woman can perhaps get away with it more because they offer physical beauty but a man with strong self esteem will not connect with them because he wants more than just that. He seeks meaningful connection and any initial interest he had will soon fade. Her HM attitude will slowly and systematically alienate rather than endear her to him.
I would much much much rather date someone low maintenance. It is a person with healthy self esteem that does not need to be supported with money trinkets and excessive platitudes. Low maintenance has nothing at all to do with social status wealth or such it is a measure of how they value themselves and others. They do not need to be “filled up” constantly to understand their self worth since they derive it from within.
The reality is that couples connect up along the lines of self esteem and not just physical attraction. Attraction plays an initial role but ultimately it will be a connection of self esteem equality that will cement the bond.
High maintenance women will get high maintenance men, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Donald Trump are a few obvious examples. This will be their prize in the end and honestly good riddance as it removes them from the selection pool. If you do not believe me watch the celebrity media circus for the many many recurring examples of the few I just mentioned.
Its interesting the low maintenance people never enter such a spot light, they don’t need it, they shine from within.
Mark
This is for all the men that say they are not interested in HMW. I myself am not a HMW I believe. During most of the week, I spend most of my time working & around my house & running errands. While doing those things I just have on old jeans, t- shirt, no make-up, & my hair not done. Where as on the weekend, when I go out, I dress up, do my hair, & wear make-up. The funny thing about you men who are bad mouthing HMW is if I posted a picture of me during the week without make-up & hair done most of you would not be interested in someone who looked that way. So most of you are being two faced.
Truly pretty women look best to me without makeup.
I think you are missing the point here. HM women are not necessarily better looking they are just ‘high achievers’. To use your example Ingrid Bergman was low maintenance. High maintenance women work hard to raise their level, so actually if you seem like a’match’, she’s probably inferior to you genetically because she’s relying on makeup, clothes etc to enhance her apparent value.
Better to go for a match in value who is low maintenance because then you are getting a really good deal.
I think to be fair when some one starts judging if the woman is high maintenence by what criteria are you judging by.I have had people think I am high maintenence by others making judgments on only knowing one side of the coin.I have been in a long term (years)relationship where in the begininning I did at least 70% of all the giving if not more.It included traveling out of state on my dollar mostly.After I tried speaking to this person on believing they should be putting out more, they felt like I was being to “needy”I also have health issues that stress makes my health alot worse.The other person is very healthy.This is not made up.I tried talking about this issue also, especially as more and more time went on.It seemed like my words went in one of his ears and out the other.As time went on I didn’t even want to ask for anything anymore since it just echoed back to me that the words, “I need” kept coming out of my mouth.I had to walk away finally, though its been very difficult.Those outside of the relationship in his family probably see it from his words of how “needy” I was.Thats what Ive heard anyways.I do not believe it is my place to hunt them out and tell my side of the story. I think their are needs that are more like “wants” and can be greedy. But somethings are truly needs. I do not consider myself high maintenence, but honest and very giving.I just have finally learned to say no to some things and stick up for myself in areas I “need” to be healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Nothing wrong with letting people know your needs and not accepting any less. A lot of times women give in too easily and try to be a great girlfriend or wife to someone who doesn’t care nearly as much about them. I’m still learning to stand up for what I need…and more importantly, walk away when I’m not getting it (instead of waiting and pleading and hoping someday he’ll feel generous enough to give it to me).
It is pretty simple there is someone for everyone. There are HM women and there are men looking for HM women.
A different kind of high maintenance…
I’ve always called myself high maintenance, but have always defined it differently as I didn’t realize the HM referred primarily to looks.
I am a 29 year old average looking (beautiful face but 40 lb overweight probably equals average more or less)- but I’m ambitious and intelligent, have a great career, and am a definite driver type.
I’m probably a pain in the ass to date because I seem to only attract low status guys- who will compromise in the looks department because I represent confidence, success and power. But of course Im not attracted to these guys…Im only attracted to men who are as high status as me. Of course these men don’t date average looking women with above average intelligence.
And as a side note, as I work to lose weight it gets even worse because as I become more physically attractive I become even more disappointed. Now the lower status men are too intimidated to talk to me and the high status ones pick up on the fact that I’m not the “pretty girl” type and I’m too sassy to be worth the trouble.
The obvious answer might be to stop being such a be-otch, but those are the qualities that got me the success I have had, considering I’ve been a particularly clever fat girl my whole life. It’s difficult to change my stripes even as I learn that I am pretty after all.
‘In the real world, this type of woman is, an over the top, narcissistic freak who firmly believes, based solely on her so called beauty, not intellect, she is entitle to whatever she wants.’
AND HERE LADIES AND GENTS, YOU HAVE THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THE MALE COUNTERPART OF HM.
VANKNIGHT: THOUGH THIS JUST A CLIP OF WHAT YOU WROTE, IN YOUR ENTIRE DESCRIPTION OF A HMW, YOU HAVE DESCRIBED YOURSELF PERFECTLY. HOW FASCINATING, AND HOW INCREDIBLY REVEALING THIS IS ABOUT YOU!
SHALLOW AND A FOOL.
I think it is okay to be HM like “HotWifey from Texas” above. However, for most women, vanknight is right and most guys are too blind to see it and adds fuel to their BS fire.