“He said he would call tomorrow…so why didn’t he?” “It’s been four days and no call. What does that mean?”
This is an extremely popular topic of conversation on our boards. I feel like on some level we all know the answer to the question. And we have certainly all been there — waiting for the phone to ring, getting more and more agitated as the night goes on and there’s no call. It’s just a part of dating, I’m afraid.
In my humble opinion, these are the harsh realities of why he/she doesn’t call you back:
1. They’re avoiding you. They just aren’t feeling it, but don’t want to deal with it, so they don’t call at all.
2. They have someone else, or a few others, in their romantic arena. They are likely exploring those options.
3. They’re irresponsible, flakey or self-centered. Some people just aren’t considerate of others. When they promise to call and don’t, they are showing you this aspect of their character. Ultimately, these types of individuals aren’t usually good potential relationship partners anyways.
Of course there are extenuating circumstances which might occur once in a blue moon — resulting in someone not having a minute to make a phone call. However, communication is easier than ever these days, so there is rarely a good excuse to not get in touch.
Many of those in our online community have shared this important advice, which bears repeating! When they don’t call — DO NOT sit around and try to figure out why, because you will really never know. Lose their number, go out and have some fun with the reliable and loyal people in your life.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Nice topic… good info….
I think the same can be said when the shoe is on the other foot! If a guy is really interested in a girl he will call her, but sometimes when he calls and has to leave a message he may not hear back from her. With this I’ve always wondered why? Maybe she’s still unsure if she is interested in him and gave away her number too easily! My buddy and I were talking about it the other night and we came to the conclusion that if most guys call a girl and dont hear back, call again in the next couple days and just simply mentioning that you had called her and that they would still like to meet up again. If she still doesn’t repsond move on and go find another who’ll want to hang out with you and get to know you!
#4. They could be busy. Or ill and admitted into the hospital. Or dead. Seriously (OK, not the dead part).
I once dated a woman I met through eH. We went out a few times. I was always the one initiating contacts, planning dates, etc, and I was OK with it. Then, for a period of 2 weeks or so, I got really busy, because, at that period I had to work 2 jobs. So I didn’t call as often as I used to. Actually, I didn’t call at all. When I later called, she told me she thought I disappeared. Now she’s going out with a male friend. She made it clear that they were **not** dating, but he likes the guy and he has said he likes her too. They’ve been to movies, dinners and they spend lots of time together.
At first, I tried to rectify the situation. I got 2 tickets to a musical event. She turned me down, stating that she was “busy at church” on the day of the event, but would be open to going another time. Then, it hit me. Here was a woman who did not even bother to find out why I did not call her for a mere 2 weeks, but was eager to replace me so quickly. What if I was ill? In some other trouble? Couldn’t she at least send a text message asking if I was OK?
So, I dropped her like a hot potato, and I’ve never looked back.
Takeaway: when they fail to call, do not jump to baseless conclusions. Give them benefit of the doubt, at least until you know they do not deserve it any longer. It is very easy to put the misconstrue people’s intentions.
She dropped you like a hot potato because you failed to follow up. She was not mature enough to tell you that because of your lapse she moved foward an was no longer interest. Which shows that she does not stand up for herself well. You should have let her know before hand that you would be working two jobs and would have difficulting keeping in touch with her for two weeks or however many weeks with her. Next time schedule a time to at least call or designate at time or day of the week you will call and keep that commitment. That way she has an immediate choice to bear through it or walk away.
@Quiet observer
Man, if a guy does not call me or contact me for two weeks, I do not care how busy you are, it means its time to move on and that you’re not really interested.
Would you leave your significant other hanging for 2 weeks and not contact them? I hope you would say “no” to that.
When you’re dating someone or planning on dating someone. Be courteous and keep in touch with them so they do not think you met someone else and moved on. It’s a slap in the face when you drop them like a hot piece of lead like that. I’ve had that done to me on more than one occasion.
I know from my point of view, if I’m not good enough to be on your mind and to keep your interest I will move on. Just my two cents.
gr8 Topic. Thanks
In relation to leafsfan1′s comment how about this. A girl asks the guy why he hasn’t asked out on a date and she tells him she would love to got with him again. So a day later he asks her out and then she replies “I’ll let you know” and then hears nothing from her for 4 days. And then when she finally does reply he’s made other plans and she gets upset and say’s he is playing games.
Sounds like she’s too needy. Four days is not a long time. Four weeks? Maybe.
All the guys I went out with wanted to jump in
bed asap. Isn’t there anyone out there that
wants to get to know you first?
I hate to be the bearer or bad news.. But, unfortunately it seems that most men (I mean it in the nicest way) want to just jump in bed. I have met several men in EH, Match… and quite frankly, they are all just looking for a roll in the hay as my mother says…
It seems its cheaper than going out and paying for it….
Sorry, for those of you that are not that way, but… That has been my experience….
I agree. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way. I met a guy on eHarmony and he seemed like a nice guy. We dated for over 2 months and we saw each other at least twice a week during that time. Once I gave in and slept with him, it all went downhill.
There are invariably any number of reasons and situations, but in every case people vote with their feet. That means, people do what they want and covet what’s important to them. If someone values you they will call, and if they value you and they don’t call, they have issues and you don’t want to be with them anyways. As a note to the ladies, I pursue people who are good communicators, and if I decide I don’t want to marry them I will still hold up my end of the correspondence minus the pursual part. If they are poor or infrequent communicators I lose interest quickly even if the chemistry is there. By pursuing a relationship with a poor communicator you are asking for trouble. It may happen now, or later, but it will happen in some shape or form.
EgirlH, was the sex tragic? That might be the reason for the downhill trend…
1)Tactfully be upfront about your intentions and listen to each other’s answers and watch the body language and voice patterns
2)Mutually agree on how often you will communicate and update each other when this changes
3)Have a serious conversation about how you are feeling and what you are thinking
4)Respond politely and honestly
5)Allow each other time to evaluate whether they want to move forward or not and follow up with that.
6)Be optimistic. Everyone doesn’t just want sex, but if you keep that mindset you will continue to attract that. Believe there is a better quality of person out there for you and develop yourself to be the best person you can be, and that is what you will attract. It is very possible, you just have to decide that it is attainable for you.
7)Be procactive and communicate tactfully, openly and honestly. This can prevent some issues. If you realize that your interest has change with this person, let them know immediately so that you can have a mutual aggreement moving forward or part ways. To avoid wasting anyones time and emotions.
Guys don’t call because it’s part of the “dating game.” If you call too early that makes you look desperate, if you make her wait then she’s going to have self-doubts and that will make you look like a harder mate to get, which is good for the guy.
@ Charles S – that may be part of the dating game but it’s stupid. If they’re gaming then they’re not seriously looking. It’s just plain silly. If you like someone just say so! Especially and specifically for people on eHarmony! Isn’t anyone a doggone gorwn-up ?!?!?
I have a interesting issue. I am at a loss to figure it out too. Here it goes: I met this girl though my job and we hit it off great. It’s a long distance relationship. We have met up several times and it’s been very very good. I’m 29 and she is 24. I’m a pretty respectful and smart, don’t play games, and usually funny and sweet. I don’t get angry and hate to fight. Anyway we have been mostly chatty for the better part of 4 months and she was ( is?) planning to move to my area and she was(is?) planning to visit at the end of august. My issue is over the last going on two weeks she has gone cold turkey on talking to me / texting. She claims she is stressed and/ or busy. She says she wants me to text her but I feel weird texting out our regular pace which was 3-5 times a day to her when she doesn’t respond back or might once the entire day. That one response is usually a ” I love you , I was too busy” response and I get those on her day off. When I ask what she did that day she told me cleaned house and went to a local bands show. I want to not let bother me but the way it’s been it seems too good to be true. We really click on quite a few levels. I finally after two weeks of this told her how I feel currently I am awaiting her response. I know this though it is near impossible If you care about someone to not find a single minute or several in a day to communicate. Took me all of 3 minutes to type this and it takes all of 10 secs to type good morning, or any other simple phrase. if you care you make time.
I have a fiancé who has a ex that she broke up 7 yrs ago with. He randomly shows up and now she says she needs space to figure stuff out. She is 622 miles away. She says she loves me and him and doesn’t want me to break up with her and she keeps saying I’ve put her on the spot three times and she says no she wants me. Here is my issue she isn’t talking to me unless I try to kill the relationship then she begs to not let me end it. I am so confused and don’t know where to go…any thoughts?
I do like the manner in which you have presented this particular matter and it does indeed provide me personally a lot of fodder for consideration. However, coming from what precisely I have seen, I just simply hope as the actual opinions pile on that men and women continue to be on point and not start on a soap box involving some other news of the day. Yet, thank you for this excellent point and while I do not necessarily agree with it in totality, I regard the standpoint.
Hi,
I’m having the same issue currently and I don’t know what to think about it. I basically had a few dates with a guy and initially his communication was good. Now after the last date I reached out through text messaging inviting him to an event but he had a plans already. He replied back right away but has not made suggestion for a future date. It’s been a week now and there is nothing on the table. I’m still keeping busy but I’m just wondering if what I feel is a change in communication is just that or something more and he is just trying to be polite. Why am I writing this? It doesn’t matter, I want to be with someone who wants to hang out with me and keep in touch.
Hi Bee,
I understand your frustration. I am also going through the same thing right now. When the guy and I first met a month and a half ago, we really clicked, and I felt so happy because I hadn’t met anyone in over 3 years that I felt that connected with (and attracted to). He either texted or called me almost every day, and we saw each other 4 times in the first week. When I finally felt like he was truly interested in me, I decided to let him stay the night. And it was wonderful! But he lost his job that same day, and he quit calling/texting me as often as he used to. When I asked him about it, he said that he has to get his life in order (find out what type of work he really wants to do and get a job). At first I didn’t believe him, but everything else about him told me he really did like me. We have seen each other just once (last Wednesday) since then, and we had a really great time together. Now, a week later, I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t like games, and I don’t like waiting, so I just now texted him and asked if anything was wrong since I hadn’t heard from him in a while. Like you, I want a boyfriend who wants to do things together and will stay in touch–not necessarily five times a day, but at least once would be nice. I feel like he is taking advantage of me because he knows how I feel about him. I have been really good about giving him his “space” since he let me know he needed to get a job (it really bothers him not working), but this isn’t the kind of relationship I want. I think it’s time he let me know (in actions, not necessarily words) what I mean to him, if anything. Then I will know in my heart that I can move on to find the relationship I really want.
Do any of you guys have anything to add about this lack of communication, when everything had been going so great?