Everyone is talking about cheating today – so thank you Arnold Schwarzenegger for the blog topic – and shame on you!
Anyways, I wanted to address the victims of infidelity, who obviously suffer greatly after learning about their partner’s indiscretion. I have read numerous accounts on our Advice dating boards, where people wonder how they could have prevented their partner from straying – often blaming themselves.
Please remember:
• It is never your fault that your partner cheated. You didn’t drive them to make this poor decision – no matter what they say. They had a choice, made the wrong one and will have to suffer any consequences.
• If this person doesn’t take complete responsibility for their actions and express great remorse – it is more likely they will cheat again.
• Often times the cheating has nothing to do with an inadequate partner, but emotional inadequacies of the culprit him/herself.
• You are allowed as much time as you need to heal.
I love Dr. Gian Gonzaga’s article, Can You Predict if They’ll Cheat, which looks at certain types of individuals more likely to stray.
I would also like to hear from anyone who has been cheated on, how they moved forward and the lessons they learned from the experience.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Jonathan Beber, — M.A.
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I was cheated on for a guy who really wasn’t the person that I knew, I mean, he did I fell in love him for scamming me and thanks God, he finally told the truth; I forgave him, just for my wellbeing, but I know this what he did to me, This will not go unpunished… Now I’m try to move on… Please be carefully women.
Zuri, I had the same type of situation…it is very scary to find out that someone you love is not who you thought they were and that your feelings are based on lies they’ve told. Stay strong, you aren’t alone and it isn’t your fault.
I don’t understand how you can cheat on someone you are not married to. How can you cheat dating? If you are engaged, then yeah. That is cheating. How can you cheat on someone you are dating? I thought that was the point.
You can be dating and living together but NOT engaged. That has recently happened to me. In my opinion if you are living together … there is a trust that should not be broken, but technically we were ‘dating’
Perhaps it means when you are dating ‘exclusively’ or believe you have made that exclusive commitment agreement and they are still dating or more with others. If there is no exclusive commitment agreement there is no cheating in dating in my opinion.
I agree. There is no moral, legal or spiritual committment when one “dates.”
You don’t own one another. Sounds like some of these women are a bit possessive. Or, perhaps they need the validation of being “exclusive” to that person. That is something that needs to be mutually agreed upon. And, this nonsense about having “total innocence” with regard to no fault of their own, may not actually be the case if they are that possessive.
If someone is truly happy in their relationship, cheating isn’t an issue. I am not saying I think cheating is ok, it isn’t. But if you are complaining that it’s being done while you are dating,make a different choice. Move on.
@Paulette:
Your question is a fairly common one and that, to me is unfortunate. Should you date around? Absolutely! But at what point in time do you draw the line? It should be your responsibility to inform your date that you are seeing other people up front. If they accept that fact, then great! Just make sure that your prospective partner is Of the same mindset.
A friend of mine told me a story that someone from the past sought her out. The two of them knew each other in college. But now, he’s married. Fast-forard to current day: He admitted he regrets not asking her out.
General question: are people like him prone to cheat on their spouses? Or is this just him reminiscing about the past?
He sought her out. He is married. He tells her he has regretted not asking her out. What does he hope to achieve by the contact? Does his spouse know about it? IMHO a red flag has unfurled in his marriage.
From what she told me, the wife is very suspicious of every other female that he knows. Or rather–the ones he knows and she herself hasn’t met. So i doubt the wife knows about this.
I married 10 years ago,I new my wife for 6 years before. When she walked out on farm,my business I just started and everthing we ever dreamed of. I was devastated, when I cleared my head 4months later,I found a second cellphone. Between it and comments she made to me before she walked out.she had beenn using this website for sometime. This site is a nice tool when used as intended.But she did this because she needed a friend to meet her needs. Im just the person to blame……You dont make me happy sindrome. I guess with 2 previous marriages I should have suspected something was wrong inside her,but I was blind to it. If someone you meet blames everything on outside factors take my advice dont stick around.
If he or she cannot be exclusive at boyfriend and girlfriend then you are simply friends with no ties at all. If you truly are conserned inside about this issue ask yourself honestly why. Trust your feelings but balance it with knowledge. As I discovered after the explosion the redflag was there at the begining, I simply lacked the balance to see it.
i really need anothers viewpoint, im at a loss! the man ive been with for three years and have a beautiful seven month baby girl with has my mind, heart and everything completely boggled. a few months ago i found out about a couple of things hes done…i told myself i would try to put it behind us and give our family another chance. i really do care for him and when not thinking about those incidents we get along amazingly, i just cant seem to stop thinking about it! he doesnt seem to truly care, in my eyes, because everytime i try and talk to him about it he gets angry and starts fighting with me. i cant seem to get past this on my own and dont know how to move forward. please give me insight.
I meet my husband when I was 18 and had a baby 1 year later! We got engaged at 19 and were married at 23 yrs. I always had a feeling because of his behavior and when i accused i was physically and verbally attacked. I wasn’t aloud to see my family either. He started a job working 3rd shift at a hospital and started having a 2 yr. relationship with her. She would call and harass me and he said it was in my head. Needless to say I forgave him and went to therapy and he walked out. I wanted out amd was terrified after he tried to kill me on Thanksgiving 2006. He moved out, but still acted like my controlling husband. I was aloud to hang out with 1 girl who he approvrd of and we became best friends. We open a business in 2000 which i worked day and night and he was off with other women. I have always suspected he and my best friend had a thing and I was right. He ran me off the road and i called the police and got a restraining order. He has lived with my ex best friend for the last 5 years. She knew what he was and she thought “He won’t do that to me”! Wrong, everyday he calls me and says I love you and I want you back. I laugh I just started dating after 5yrs. and I am finally happy!! My son just turned 18 yrs old. I must say I will always be looking over my shoulder. Happy to be free!!!!!
Jen,your story gives me the shivers….My ex calls me a control freak.I controled her life when she nagged me till I gave up all access to our money. Yelled and screamed and berated me for not cussing someone out who she felt deserved it. I wasnt a good husband because I didnt represent her and her best intereest as my first priorty. She worked therefore she deserved x.y.z. She ordered me out of our house,I refused to leave. She told me after she left I didnt love her or my children because I refused to leave our home.I left the door open to everyone but she said the only option was for me to leave. I tried to heal our marriage but she said I wouldnt change therefore our marriage is dead.I was a lover of money because I worked all the time and every cent went to pay our bills. I was responsible for all the bank over drafts when I had no access to the acccount. I was stealing her money stealing her car and controling her life after 10 years of marriage. Her car was purchased with help from my parents because we were in a tight spot……I am a control freak,I cant take care of myself,I cant make my own decisions. I cant even handle my own money. She cant stand me in controling her life anymore…..Because Im a control freak…..Amazing,I havent had money problems since she ran out the door. She said she was glad I finally grew up….I afterall am a control freak.
I have a man, whom I have been with five years, and he is living in another woman’s house after I kicked him out. HOWEVER, he still has our house key and comes and goes….sounds messy and it is. I caught him letting her out of his truck and kicked him out. For some reason, that he won’t give, he has not come home even though I asked. Go figure….
My ex found a sweet talker after 28 years of marriage. She denied it all along. I was working long hours and a long commute so she found someone who had the time and romanced her. I ended up finding someone to talk to but nothing really serious.
Now after the divorce she is looking for me to admit to all the times she suspected me of cheating over the years so we can share the blame of our marriage falling apart.
Well sorry I have nothing to hide but not about to admit to her fantasies so she can push the blame on me.
It sucks that it happened I tried my best to stop it but its over and I’m not making any concessions to soothe her conscience!