The same wise woman who told me about taking action to get a man’s attention also recited this gem to me: “Unless a judge and jury convict you, you shouldn’t feel guilty.” Translation — don’t feel guilty unless you have actually done something wrong. I remind myself of this all the time!
Naturally, this topic applies to so many of our dating situations and relationships. I just read a user’s story on the Advice boards, where she talked about wanting to leave a man but was feeling guilty as she worried it was going to crush him. This guy was unstable, so her fears were completely understandable. She was wracked with guilt over the possibility that he might completely fall apart. But should she let this guilt hold her back from ultimately saying goodbye to him? Absolutely not.
We’ve all been there, allowing guilt to rule our lives. Whether it’s remaining in relationships because we place the other person’s needs in front of our own, or allowing friends to guilt us into doing things we don’t want to do, it’s always better to trust that internal voice that says, “I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to do this!”
It really is kind of simple, but we make it so much more complicated because of our emotions, insecurities and fears (sigh).
Here are some gentle reminders:
1. Don’t allow another person to have power over you.
2. Find the inner courage to get up and walk away (even if that means relying on your best friends to carry you out!).
3. Don’t feel guilty for doing what is best for you or saying, “No, thanks.” If they get upset? Oh well. If they don’t want to see you anymore? Their loss!!
3. Finally, don’t feel guilty unless that judge has thrown down the gauntlet on you!
What instances has guilt held you back — in dating/relationships or in life? How did you work through it?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I was in an 8 year relationship with a firefighter. He was very controlling in that my emotions were always because of insecurities or my past relationships must have messed me up, but, he was totally okay and in control of his emotions. I was not allowed to ask or talk about his past, but he wanted to know all about mine. When I shared he opened up and made me think we were on common ground. When I would want to receive the same from him he would tell me I don’t need to know that. It was very hurtful because I really loved and respected him. I recently ended it because I realized, not matter how much I wanted to give to him, he was void of ever being able to return that to me. I always felt like he was hiding something and I finally felt like whatever it was wasn’t worth the pain of feeling alone in a relationship.
Michele I know your pain. I recently left the same kind of relationship. He would never open up to me. And you are right it does feel like they are hiding something. This drove me to be a person I never wanted to be. I kept telling myself he would eventually open up, things would change if “I” changed ….. I didn’t want to feel like I hadn’t put in enough effort. By the end I was so tired of changing myself I could hardly recognize ME.
I totally let guilt get me.
You both are so right! Being alone in a relationship is worse than being alone and single – for then we are tied down. We are not free to move on until we cut the ties. It is difficult, but so worth the pain and effort. And somewhere out there – there is someone that will appreciate you for who you are!
I have dated several men in my past, but I have only WANTED to date one of them. I allowed myself to get pressured into dating men that I had absolutely no interest in, and then I prolonged the relationship because I was afraid of hurting their feelings. Never once did I consider my own feelings, or how little consideration they had for them. It took a long time, and a lot of visits to a psychologist, but I finally realized that I was hurting myself by letting a man, or anyone really, push me around because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m still a very considerate person, but I think about myself, too, now. Does that sound kinda selfish? Probably, but I guess it’s good to be selfish occasionally.
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