A wise woman once told me that for a guy to really hear you, you need to “smack ‘em over the head.” Now, I know she didn’t mean this literally and I don’t condone any sort of physical violence (!). The point she was trying to make was that I needed to take some sort of action for my then-boyfriend to actually hear me, as I wasn’t having any success with the standard mode of communicating whatever issue I was having with him at the time.
I am sure many men would disagree with this … or maybe not? In some past experiences, I had repeatedly told boyfriends things that completely went in one ear and out the other. Only when I took action, like stopped making dinner after he was repeatedly late for weeks, did he seem to notice. Suddenly, he was all ears: “Oh, sorry, I don’t remember you saying that it bothered you I was late for dinner.” I guess hitting him right in the gut did work, if I remember correctly.
I know men don’t like complainers – and I don’t know any women who do either. But is it necessary to take drastic measures to get the point across to our male counterparts? Is there a better way to communicate issues that come up or do we have to light off some figurative fireworks? Personally, I kind of like a little firecracker now and then!
What form of communication has worked best for you? Looking forward to hearing from both men and women.
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It all comes down to motivation. If the guy/woman isn’t motivated on their own terms to realize something enough to act on it, it won’t get done … or it will, for roughly 3 weeks. It’s all in the way you approach them. Some people you can appeal to reason (“if you leave your dirty underwear on the floor, it spreads germs and smells bad”). Some appeal to emotion (“i really feel left out when you run off with your friends all the time and don’t include me”). This takes communication and learning to know your significant other.
And then, there’s people that need a smack over the head.
The biggest thing I see in relationships is if both people would focus on each others wants and needs and less on their own. But in reality that will never happen. Seriously instead of talking at someone you really need to sit down look them in the eyes and talk to them. Most people just say something and think they are being heard but no you have to really get their attention. Walking around complaining does not work and letting it build up into anger is not going to work either. You must sit them down and express your feelings.
I have been married twice, and one thing I know for certian is we as a people have stopped talking!Also we as a nation have become very self centered. relationships, and marriage (even more so) are never easy
they do take work, and THEY do DEMAND that each person put the needs of the other first.
If we don’t stop, and learn to do one simple rule, Love others as you would have them love you. Our homes, schools, and workplaces, will continue to falter and fail.
Hi all, I am totally & utterly confused about ‘how to really get a man’s attention…you may sit him down & try & talk,.listen…I have not found even that helps! HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET A MAN’S REAL ATTENTION. Now if you guys say..he’s not interested..which is what I’d think…doesn’t help…THEY WON’T LEAVE ME….& say they want to communicate, I be as gentle & positive & caring as I believe is possible? Using the ‘I’ word always not …you… I might have to give up I thinkm. I know they are from Mars….but I cannot seem to understand it…& if I do correctly…then females must never complain, never be right, never say anything that may hurt his ego, let him do whatever he likmes without question? I’D PARTICULARLY LIKE TO HEAR FROM THE GUYS ABOUT THIS….but girls too if they have some answers/experience?
I have found that most people do not want to discuss or share anything that may be considered a disagreement. This alone will guarantee zero success on the two peoples part for any type of relationship (dating or friendships or communications with family members).
I have found that when a guy does not do the right thing (whatever it may be) that it’s best to share how it made me feel rather than directly saying why can’t you do this or that.
Separately, I have also found that when someone has done something consistently which I find disrespectful or not a guy showing that he puts me as a priority that not being as available in my schedule “does the trick” as it usually gets the guy to “wake up” and actually ask me if there’s something wrong (but that will only happen if the guy really gives a hoot about the gal!)
What are other peoples experiences with this? And, what has worked/not worked for other members?
I agree with Victoria, AND it’s what I’ve read lately. Disappear and continue on with your own life as if nothing happened… and quit making dinner! Late twice should have been the max. DON’T be so available. If he cares, HE’ll start wondering what happened. It’s been hard for me because I’m “reinventing myself” not to be a clingy doormat, but it seems to work AND I haven’t wasted my time staring at the phone.
Women are generally too subtle and indirect when it comes to communication. Men like direct, straightforward communication.
Right on target! I agree with David.
Over the years (and obviously some goof ups), I have finally learnt to understand what women are trying to communicate.
But still at the end of the day, I would really like it if the girl just said it outright instead of being so oblique and putting me through unnecessary mental stress. Yes, trying to figure out what you want to tell me may be good mental exercise but something I can do without, especially on a weekday.
(To all the ladies) I love your mystery but cut us guys some slack too!
Although I also agree with David, and the gentleman I stole my name from (thank you!)
) … I have to tell ya, I AM that girl…direct, straightforward, blunt. I always felt that this made things, simpler, took away the guesswork.
But, perhaps, it has taken away the “mystery” that you refer to. I have been told by guys that “I get it” and “talking to you is like talking to one of my buddies, in a girls body”…which actually backfires in the love department. Not for me, but for the guy because who they go home with is “drama girl”, not me.
I think some men enjoy the mystery of not knowing what a women wants- that’s why so many women act that way.
No thank you. I’ll stick to being direct-and you can continue pretending that’s what you really want,
Seems these “help” articles are tilted toward Male bashing. Do women need to set off fireworks to get us to listen… Or is it that that women need to learn how to communicate with an emotional IQ that is above that of a 12 yr old and how she communicated with her Father. If she projects (tells) her mate rather than discusses her wishes and desires and as a result gets no response…. He is doing the healthy thing by not responding… The firecracker in this instance would be the equivalent of a 12 yr olds tantrum.
Actually, psychologists recommend this. I like to call it “giving you the green light to manipulate.” I am a direct communicator, but it just isn’t affective for many people who don’t trust or pay attention to anything but deeds. Some people just think that others devalue what they devalue and will ignore their partner’s wishes. You can’t force someone to accommodate you, but you can try to make them listen in whatever way they tend to hear.
My grandmother used to always say, ‘With men, you have to SHOW– not tell.’ I have followed that advice and it hasn’t failed me yet.
Every words are so true. I experience it.
Like most people, i do not like conflict and have probably been guilty of putting off difficult conversations in the past. Not exactly effective, but I never liked complaining.
This time around i am trying something new. I simply focus on the positive and tell my partner the things that i like so much about him and the things that he does that mean so much to me. So far, so good!
ie: For the “repeatedly late for dinner example,” try telling him how much you love cooking dinner for him, & when he’s on time you are really able to enjoy a good meal together. If it happens repeatedly and you don’t do anything, why would he think anything is wrong? I would wrap up the meal and put it away and have him take me out (with a big smile on my face) when he arrived. He will hear that. I think he will also be grateful not to be yelled at. I know i would.
Bottom line is when you treat other people the way you want to be treated and focus on the positives, everyone feels better. And if it doesn’t work, then maybe this is not the right person for you and the sooner you know that the better. Because maybe the next one will be!
I think that “communicating” is like teaching a child. The best way to teach is to teach the way the child learns, not force the child to learn the way you teach. The same method can be used to communicate with anyone – partners, family, coworkers etc. Learn how they listen/perceive the world. If you do that you will figure out the most effective way to get your point across and make the other person listen. This will work for both men and women
Just wanted to say to Kathy is “quit dinner!”-excellent.
At this point, no guy is getting any great dinner from me until they show me over several dates that they respect me and my time and are serious about not playing around out there with other women as it seems a high percentage of guys are doing…
The problem with some women, who resort to the extreme, such as anger, to get the attention of some men who aren’t skilled at listening, creates even less attention from her man, opposite of what she wanted. She needs to learn the art of responding rather than reacting. He needs to understand the pain of rejection she’s feeling, by his unattentiveness. “Not reacting” and “listening” are obviously important ingredients, for a happier and more satisfying relationship.