I almost feel bad outing my friends constantly — but they give me the best blog topics!
So anyways, I invited a girlfriend to go out for a hike Sunday and waited – and waited – for her to give me an answer about whether she could join us or not. The reason for her hesitation? She was waiting to see if her new guy might want to hang out. Long story short, he did finally get around to calling her at 10:30 a.m. Sunday and they went to a movie, but was this the right choice for her? I am sure you know where I am going with this…another dating don’t!
Don’t wait around the phone for him/her to call. Don’t put your life on hold, or your friends on hold, as you wait to see if this person will grace you with their presence. These are serious signs of what we like to call a “desperate dater.” Sorry, friend!
Your time is valuable, and everyone should know it. I think it is extremely desirable if the one you’re dating sees that you are someone who has a full life, packed with friends and plans! If they sense that you are, in fact, waiting by the phone, it makes you a little less interesting and appealing.
What else makes one a desperate dater?
Accepting a last minute date week after week.
One that ditches their pals when they find a new love interest.
The person who constantly worries they will get dumped. This gives off a clingy vibe and is a big turnoff.
Fishing for compliments. Most can see right through that insecurity and need for validation.
It seems to always come back to having a good sense of self worth. Your time is precious and you are even more precious. Of course that is easier said than done, which is all the more reason to commit to building a positive self image. It will pay off hugely in the end if you learn to love yourself – and be patient with the process.
Anyone dealing with this issue? Would love to hear about it!
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Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
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I was desperate for a date a year ago. I was new in city and didn’t know anybody. The best thing you can do when you are in a situation like this is to pursue your interests and meet like minded people – friends, not just potential dates. Once when you have healthier social life you’ll find out that you respect yourself a lot more than before.
I am not a desperate dater.
I allowed one of my eH dates to play the last-minute game with me. He ended up dragging his feet on planning, and was then over an hour late. I admit – I liked him, and was eager to get into a relationship. So I tried to be “laid back” and understanding about how busy he was. In the end, the date did not go well, and I got the impression he didn’t want to be there in the first place. I wish that I had had the guts to decline the date when he first showed signs of disrespect. I felt badly about his rude behavior, and the bad feeling stuck with me for over a week.
I think that there is a fine line between being open and truly wanting a meaningful relationship vs acting in a way that allows you to be perceived as desperate. Perhaps there is a blog post coming that might explain the difference?
Noways all the world are talking about how to make life logically correct, not jogging your life, just find yourselves, life yourselves. In this case, I can’t wait to relax myself
I’m a desperate dater. Young. Single-mother. It’s hard coming across a male who doesn’t think you’re only dating to find a replacement father. And when you find a male who accepts you AND you’re child, it messes with the deeper meaning of being “in like”. Changes are needed, no more desperate dating. Don’t jump at every opportunity to want to “hang-out”. Make myself less available to want to be around each other on his time. *sigh*
I was LMAO @ this article because I can so relate to it, I have a guy that never calls me on wkends, he only calls after 7pm wkdays with hey can we get together blah blah blah & you’re going to say he’s married…nope, wrong, he isnt, he works, owns his own home, etc etc etc. However, he seems to think I’m sitting here waiting for his call because when I finally do get around to returning his call (9 days later, just like he does to me) he will say wow I can never get hold of you LMAO !!! i love it, he’s such a loser.
Why are women so eager to accept crumbs…when they really deserve the best? Have we just given up on finding real quality guys out there?
Gosh! this was me when I was dating my ex! We were committed but I made him the centre of my universe..Now I am sort of seeing someone but clearly making it not all about him but also focusing on what makes ME happy…until I get that commitment from him or any guy I date, my life is my own. In fact, even after I commit, it is still important to maintain a healthy degree of independence. After all, that was what attracted the person to you anyway, why change that? I am so glad to have let go of my desperate ways and feel awesome about myself and hope everyone else does too!
I’ve also been there. I actually had a guy I had been communicating with for 6 months and who lived in another province, tell me that I was an “idiot” because I questioned his real motive for wanting to meet with me after NO communication for several days. He had a terrible pattern (for the 6 months that I had known him) to flake for days and a couple weeks @ a time. I had pretty much written him off as someone to chat with. He made it very difficult to get to know him. When we did talk it was superficial.
More recently, he had actually hinted at wanting a “B.C.” when he saw me(he had to explain that B.C. meant booty call!!…THE NERVE!! Anyway I laughed it off thinking he was kidding (he was always joking around). Well obviously when I delayed our dinner plans by several days and questioned his motive for wanting to meet he lost it…through a text! Jerk!!! I didn’t even justify his comment with a response, I just deleted his numbers.
I am dealing with issue. Luckily, I spotted that this is a self-worth issue and I’ve been working on it. I am now ready to end this cycle with this person, and here is the “scoop”. This has been going on for four years now. We say we love each other, only I am the only one whose actions back-up what I say. He make promises he doesn’t keep. When I try to make plans, he says, he will see or he will get back to me. One time I asked why doesn’t he know now because if he has plans already, just say that, he had the nerve to actually say, I don’t have plans, but something might come up, so I’ll see what comes up then I can let you know if I can do your plans. OUCH! he then had that moment of oops, did I say that out loud, then hear comes the explanations and apologies…again. He then one day, when he feels he is losing me, will confess his love for me, not wanting to lose, me, all the changes he will make, including having boyfriend/girfriend titles, only to then once he feels he has me back, its as if that conversation didn’t even happen…The excuses why not now come up again. I have tried to leave so many times, and because (now that I know) my self-worth was so bad, I would hear what he said and stay, which he already knew would happen, and he is such the word-smith! I am always ready and able to drop plans or be on hold, for any moment he needs, wants, desires, or calls me, yet when I do the same, its let me back with you, which means – if nothing better comes up, I’ll call you back.
As I stated, luckily, I have worked on this. He even senses the changes and has made comments about them, which I let go in one ear and out the other. I no longer believe a word he says, nor do I truest him, am I am so ready and eager to move on, that I am actually excited to have this conversation with him! I already have re-buttles to anything he has to say, and I am powerfully ready to move on. They say the universe lines up to tell you when you are on the right path…I believe it because I keep getting emails, websites, friends and even strangers keep bringing this very topic up to me. I see it as a reassuring that I am ready… especially now because I agree wholeheartedly with what is being said. And the fact I actually read them! Back when my self-worth was lower and I was in denial, I didn’t agree with what was being said, and then stopped reading all together, those are signs of denial…. now I know I am ready and these articles keep reassuring me…thank you!
I used to be a “desperate dater”… blowing off friends and avoiding making plans “just in case” the guy called and wanted to do something but I realized I was losing so much of myself, not to mention some pretty great friends, by doing this.
Now, I live my life and my calendar is always filled with fun activities. My problem is I think my very active social life scares guys off. I’ve had one date recently accuse me of not making time for him. I thought, this is our second date in 1 week.. what more do you want from me at this point??
Interesting!
A desperate dater is “desperate” because she, and it’s usually a she, values her dating life over her life w/friends and her own plans. Even in high school, I never thought it was good to blow off your plans w/a girlfriend for a potential call from a guy. That really showed me who was more important–not my friendship, for sure! We women are our own worst enemies. Guys sure don’t sit around and wait for a call or a text. They may be wanting one, but they don’t wait!!
Wow, just realizing that I could become a desperate dater is enough to keep me alert and phobic of anyone expecting me to always be available. I have molded my life around my husbands for all of my adult life and have now a chance to find out who the REAL me is … without being someone’s other half. I am looking forward to someone healthy enough to avoid this dating pitfall. Thank You.
I read this blog and now I’m wondering if that really is me. I am a 24 year old male who is very hooked on his ex-girlfriend of 2 years ago. She says she loves me and will always love me, but she won’t date me. I often find myself waiting around to hear from her and most of the times I get nothing. She calls and I jump. Would I be considered a desperate dater even though I’m not dating her? I wanna try to have a life of my own and meet someone new. I just can’t seem to do it. I’ve always had a girlfriend, even over the last 2 years since of me chasing my ex I’ve had 3 short lived relationships. All ended cause of my ex. If anyone has any advice for me please share.
Don’t consider yourself desperate. It’s just that the other person isn’t interested as you are in them. This could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they have a full plate? In which case your lives are in two totally different stages and it will be a difficult situation.
Just don’t ever negatively stereotype yourself as A or B kind of dater because negativity is never a good thing. Just be yourself, be comfortable and realize that dating and relationships are not like they are in movies.
When someone is too lazy or not considerate or enthusiastic enough to meet with us, we should take that as an indicator on him and how he feels about the developing a special relationship with us. I’ve maintained a strong position against last minute date suggestions because they seemed like: “hey, I’ve a free spot in my very busy life that I can gracefully slide you in; I’m sure you won’t mind”. Well, I do mind.
If a guy respects a woman (and vise versa) they should give her an early enough notice and wait reasonably to hear from you.
Someone kept asking to meet me while he seemed to book other things at the same time all the time. I maintained my cool and self respect while treating him fair. He tried to blame it on me that I did not answer him immediately… I had done my best in responding (guilt games don’t work, please), and if he could not be patient to hear from me, how patient would he be to develop and nurture a relationship?
My dear ladies, let’s not ignore the signals!