Last week I had lunch with a buddy who told me he had a raging date with a young lady. “We talked endlessly. She loves the Lakers. She knows about beer. (This guy is really into micro-brews and is a serious beer snob.) She was funny, and we even had a very sexy kiss at the end of the evening.” For all the good words he was saying I could still sense a problem. The tone of his voice didn’t match the details of his date. So, I asked, “That’s sounds great, but why don’t I get the sense that you’re excited about all this?”
He said, “Because I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Ah, the other shoe. I understood in an instant. I had had another shoe incident in years past – wonderful woman, smart, sexy, passionate about so many things. Of course, it took me 4 dates to figure out that she was a complete workaholic. 80-90 hours a week was not unusual. Her physical availability was limited, but even when we were together she wasn’t really there. She was worrying about some problem back at her desk. And so, 4 dates into our relationship, BAM, the other shoe hit the floor.
My friend Charles has learned the hard way. “I’ve had so many other shoe incidents. I dated a woman who was an addict. She kept that hidden for 8 weeks. I dated a woman who was absolutely crazy. She kept that hidden for 10 weeks. I even dated a woman who told me on the 7th or 8th date that she was a big admirer of the work of Adolf Hitler. I asked her a few times if she was serious because I could not believe it. Yes, a Nazi sympathizer. I dropped some money on the table and left.”
We’ve all been in new relationships where the other shoe drops and we shake our head in disappointment. The MORE interesting question is, “Do you have another shoe?” Is there some part of your personality, a hobby, a preference, that you keep hidden from new romantic interests? We’re all pretty anonymous here. I’d love to know if you have another shoe?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Why is it men over th age of 50 will not date a woman who is successful. I have tired to just not sya anything. I have posted that i only have some college. I try to play it down and focus on him but of course none of this works. If you are honest, they either want a first date and then never see you again or lead you on for a couple of weeks as though this will really work and then decide that a woman with a college degree (or more) is just not for them. He might not feel comfortable when around your friends, family, or collegues because he would not be as smart or because he has does not have a college degree. Right now all I want to say to men over 50…get over yourself! Grow up! A woman can be educated yet still need a relationship and be very good in a relationship if you would just giv eher a chance.
I seem to be having the same issue! I was shocked when a friend told me that my difficulty in meeting men came from them feeling threatened. I am vague about my employment, education, etc., with every new acquaintence – not just men. It took me 30 years to get my degree, but that was a personal goal and I don’t broadcast it. It’s frustrating that I am focused on meeting interesting men from all walks of life while men my age seem to be focused on finding another “little woman.”
I was glad to read your comments about men over 50 not dating women who are successful. Could that be my problem? Maybe. I don’t work anymore, don’t have to, so they can’t say I’m a workaholic… On the other hand a friend of mine just met someone wonderful on this site and she is fairly successful as well.
Never would have thunk I would find this so indipsnesable.
Is medical history “the other shoe?” I am recently back to dating after a long marriage. I am a cancer survivor with battle scars. When do I bring something like that up?
Thank you so much for asking your question Cindi. I am alcoholic but have been sober 10 years and today am a very healthy person in body, mind and spirit. Unfortunately, this disease is in my family so I never get to leave it behind but I do have help in navigating my way around it. Even though I don’t want to date anyone who is currently addicted to anything (must haves/can’t stands) I always sink a little when that’s on their list and have to remind myself of the word “currently”. Although I’ve only met one person who this mattered to it’s still a gut sucker for how and when to let the other person know. Grants response was perfect!
Cindi, I think u ask a good question. All past battle scars are not “shoes” in my opinion. Those scars may limit us in some ways but they also make us wiser, more grateful for life, and better able to give and receive love. So, there is much I don’t know about your situation but I think it’s not automatically some kind of deal breaker.
When to mention it? We always suggest that you make sure you really like the other person and they feel the same about you before you share some personal medical condition. That might take 4 dates and it might take 10 dates.
Related question: what if the medical history has a emotional ramifications? Due to a childhood illness, I’ve been dealing with depression for more than 10 years. I do the best I can to control it–medicine & therapy–but there’s still a stigma against mood disorders that makes it awkward to bring up.
I always feel weird talking about the childhood illness itself, because it was so long ago (almost 20 years), and because it’s just not that big of a deal anymore. However, it was a significant event in my life, and it’s not possible to not talk about it sometime. If I don’t bring it up early on, I feel like I’m hiding something, but if I bring it up out of the blue, I feel like I’m making a bigger deal of it than it really is.
Pat, I honestly don’t think that men over 50 have a policy of not dating women who are successful. But I do think it’s safe to say that you being successful isn’t a high priority to them. I wrote an article about this and ill post the link here when I find it.
Okay guys here’s a link to a post I wrote about men and successful women.
http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/2011/01/10/are-men-scared-of-successful-women/
I am a normal, intelligent, fun woman. I have a career, but don’t work too much. No addictions, no mental issues. I like to stay active, am not high-maintenance, and don’t bring a lot of drama. I would welcome the right man into my life, but I am the epitome of “the other shoe.”
In fact, it’s not just the other shoe; it’s a lead boot. I have HIV. Not from drugs, not from sex. From a medical procedure, but where it came from makes no difference. It’s here, and it is an issue. Always.
Medically, I am unlikely to pass it on because the virus is not detectable in my blood anymore. But once I utter those three little letters, the entire vibe of the date changes. I’ve waited until getting to know someone, disclosed on the first date, and just about everything in between. It’s stigmatized. I’m stigmatized. And it’s always a non-starter.
I have tried meeting people on the limited HIV positive dating sites, but the men that aren’t looking for other men are either desperate or players or looking for a green card. So lately I’m wondering if I just need to throw in the towel and resign myself to being single—not an easy pill to swallow for someone in their early 40s. Maybe I’ll start a cat rescue. ;-P
I felt compelled to right back to you on this. What a tough situation. I cannot even imagine what this must be like. I hope you find someone that makes you happy as it really does seem like you have a lot going for you! I mean really how many women can really say the same? i.e. how you describe yourself in your first paragraph. I can tell you from my experience as a woman with many many girlfriends (and who has also dated other women) that there are very few ladies in this world that fit your description (intelligent/fun/no MH issues/good career but not a workoholic/active/low maintenence). I cannot even say the same about myself (def high maintenence lol!) So please don’t resign yourself to being single. You seem like a great catch that someone special would be very lucky to have.
(And remember a good group of girlfriends will always cheer you up!)
Muskoshe and Pat, to answer your questions, your problem is that you are belligerant and prejudiced. I am over 50 but I don’t want to marry some dope. I am engaged to a professional woman who has degrees. But you tell me to get over myself and grow up. How about you grow up yourself, stop blaming men for your own problems, and start looking at each man as an individual, judging him on his own merits instead of assuming every man is responsible for your failures. You say the man should just “give her a chance”; why can’t you do the same for a man?
Well, I’m not even closet to 50, alone over it. But I will say this … if you’re looking for a type of guy and not finding him, look somewhere else. Not all guys are a certain way, and sometimes it takes changing watering holes to get a good clean drink.
To talk about myself specifically and whether I’ve got “another shoe”, it all depends on how comfortable I feel with a woman. Honestly, I let it all hang out up front. My take on that is, if I have a trait they won’t like about me, then better to get it known early on so as to not waste anyone’s time. This isn’t to say that I just run through a list of my faults on the phone before the first date, but I certainly make it a point to communicate who I am in an expeditious manner.
I would say that guys over the age of 35 stray away from either successful women or just plain highly intelligent women.
I’m amazed how ignorant some guys are that they say, “Wow-you’re so smart. You read so many books and know a lot.”…..There is a very strong percentage of guys out there that are extremely insecure and highly sensitive in their own skin.
I don’t need a guy from Harvard, but I need to have a guy that is educated and has a desire to learn in life.
I find that many people have zero desire to learn and they I believe feel very insecure when they are around others who read, learn continuously in life.
What about a Fetish? I’m not talking about need to have it to be able to perform, but just a general fetish that I like to exercise every now and then? What I would really like to know is when is it appropriate to talk about to your date? Before or after first sexual encounter?