C-Ann: I was at the other end of the type of platonic relationship you describe yourself to be in. She was a co-worker (let’s call her ‘Terri’, she’s 42, I’m 52) who initially worked in a different branch in the same city. I met her 10 years ago when inter-office ‘backfills’ had us work together one day every 3-4 months or longer, but we never had anything other than a work relationship, and we didn’t maintain contact between those times.
About two years ago, I was permanently transferred to Terri’s office. It was then that we discovered that we had actually met for the first time about 20 years earlier, when we were both in the military, on a Base at the other end of the country during a half-day audit. She was married then, but in the 2 decades since had divorced, and had become a single mom with a different man, who was no longer in the picture. I had remained single, no kids. It turned out we were almost neighbours, living about eight blocks apart in a city of 350,000.
We became close friends, going for regular walks together, where we would talk about past relationships; things we could do together; our families; and of course, work. Terri would call me at home almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day, even if we had worked together that day (she works only two-three days a week). She would often visit at my house with her 7 year old daughter, sometimes with little more than 15 minutes notice that she was coming over. I was often at her house too, helping out with some of the heavy yard work, and one time, rushing over when she had a flood in her yard, and she called me in a panic, even though it was six in the morning and I was on holidays. When I invited Terri and her daughter for a barbeque on a day off, she brought her mother along to meet me, and then we went to her mothers house, where we spent the rest of the evening. About mid-June last year, she said during one of her phone calls “you know we’re just friends, and always will be…”. Our daily phone calls continued, with her calling me at least 4 out of 5 times. One day in July, when my brother and his wife were visiting from New Zealand, she ‘just happened’ to be driving by, and decided to drop in to meet them, even though I hadn’t invited her over. Our close friendship was noticed and commented on by co-workers – all of whom encouraged us as being ‘right for each other’.
Yet nothing was happening romantically. So starting early last September, I tried to distance myself a bit from Terri. But if we went two days without contact, she would call me again. When I cut a call short one evening, because I “had to go get groceries”, Terri told me to wait for her at the store, and she, her daughter and I did our grocery shopping together – this happened a few times over the next month. She invited me to attend a dinner theatre with her – and her mother – with her paying for the tickets. About four months after her “we’re just friends…” comment, Terri invited herself and her daughter to my house for the next evening to carve pumpkins for Halloween, which was in a couple days. One day at work early in November, she brought an expensive souvenir item for a local pro-sports team, which she knew I was a big fan of, and showed it off to everyone in the lunchroom at the end of the day, saying “Someone is getting this for his birthday”. Three weeks later, she did give it to me on my birthday, along with a card from her, and a hand drawn card from her daughter. I invited her to a social event that she knew was important to me to be held the next week, but she turned me down, saying “I’m not a going-out person”. About two weeks before Christmas, when I asked her (and her daughter) to go to a popular Christmas display with me that evening, she said yes. When I went to pick them up, she said we couldn’t go until we decorated her tree together, which we did. We spent a very pleasant evening together the next week at my house creating a gag gift for a co-worker; and she came over on Christmas eve, when she, her daughter and I exchanged gifts. Terri was ill for five days over New Years, but we talked daily. On New Years Day, though she was still sick, I went to her house. Her mother was there, but then left with her daughter, so Terri and I were alone. We talked for a bit, but because she was on medication, she was extremely tired and had to go to sleep. So I got up to leave, but because it was New Years Day, I took advantage of it and gave her a big hug. We held each other for about a minute, without any conversation. She didn’t seem to want to let go – I released her first. This was the only physical contact we’ve ever had.
Through the next three weeks, the almost daily phone calls by Terri continued, and we spent a great evening at my house with her and her daughter. But still, nothing romantic was happening.
I finally decided this had to end, one way or another. Late in January, I went to her house with a rose, intending to tell her that I cared about her, loved her, I wanted us to be a real couple, and so on. But as soon as she saw it, she exploded in anger, saying things like ‘friends don`t give friends flowers’. She didn’t take it, and wouldn’t let me say anything, and said that she didn’t want to talk to me for a while. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls, or talk to me at work if she could avoid it. I waited a week, then e-mailed her a video I`d shot of her when she was carving pumpkins at my place, and included a segment where I apologize on video and asked her if we could talk again soon. She then started making up stories about what had happened between us to co-workers, bad-mouthing me to everyone. A female co-worker and friend, Simone, who knew everything that had been happening between us, tried to help work things out between us, but Terri would have none of it. Terri told her she needed ‘space’. After about two months, there was still a lot of tension at work. When an opportunity for a temporary transfer to another office came up, I took it, just to put some distance between us. I’ve been away from my home office for over a month now, and my boss from there calls me about twice a week saying how much they all want me to come back. He’s even said that he’d rather it was Terri that left, but he understood why I did. It turns out she hadn’t been well-liked at work before I came there, but they had been nice to her when they saw we had a close friendship. I am supposed to go back in two months, and would rather work in that office, but I’m not really looking forward to it.

So C-Ann, you were looking for advice. Based on my own recent experience, you need to keep contact with him to a minimum. Definitely don’t be giving him any little gifts; don’t tell him you’re just friends and then act like you’re more than that. It’s deeds, not words – people know you for what you do, not what you say you would do! You can remain friends, but you must put some distance between yourselves first. Don’t be available to be company any time you talk, and don’t ask him to attend events with you…in other words, don’t do anything that could be considered a ‘date’, don’t let situations develop where he thinks he is successfully pursuing you. And accept that it may take a couple months before he recognizes that there will be no romance between you, and decides he must move on. You will still be friends if he thinks it is his decision. If he is as lonely as you suggest he is, you will cause him a lot of pain and confusion if he sees more to this relationship than you do, and you will both lose a good friend.
And you really can be wasting time for both of you. In this last month I’ve started a relationship with Simone, a beautiful woman 20 years my junior. She’s already said she loves me, and has for some time. She said she envied the relationship Terri and I had, but she didn’t want to get between us. When I tried to wind things down with Terri last September, I had intended to ask Simone out. I haven’t told her I love her too, but I know I will very soon. This could have started with Simone over seven months ago, but Terri kept giving me signals that there was something between us.

Gabe

I see it this way. Doesn’t that person you’re trying to protect deserve to be with someone who considers themselves the luckiest person on the planet? Isn’t that what we all want? It hurts in the short term, but in the long term, putting off the inevitable is only hurting them more. And maybe costing them a chance at someone who is right for them.

(and yes, I’ve been the recipient of the I-don’t-want-to-hurt-you delay. Hurt a lot more than if he had manned up and gotten it over with.)

Good luck!