“I am going to end it, but I need to wait until his birthday’s over” … “I am just waiting for the right time to break it off.” I just had both of these conversations with friends recently, where they tried to figure out when the best time might be to end their failing relationships. I have also watched close friends, male and female, stay in bad situations for months, as life passes them by and they become more and more hopeless.
Breaking up IS very hard to do, and there is never, ever an opportune time to say goodbye. There is also never a better time than the present to end a relationship that you know in your heart is the absolute wrong one for you.
I’m going to go a little Dr. Drew here and remind you of more reasons you shouldn’t put it off:
1. You owe it to yourself to be happy, so don’t remain in an unhappy partnership.
2. Someone else will come along, but they can’t as long as you remain in your current situation.
3. The person you are hoping might change won’t.
4. You are deserving of a great relationship.
5. It’s not going to get any easier breaking it off one, two or three months down the road. In fact, it gets harder the longer you stay emotionally connected to this person.
6. History — and drama — repeats itself.
7. The awkwardness of being alone will only last a very short period — your life will become full again in no time.
8. You aren’t responsible for the other person’s feelings.
This is just a reminder that life is short, so don’t waste precious months or even years with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. Find every ounce of courage inside and face the music – and your future as a free person!
How did you find the courage to break out of a relationship that wasn’t working?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
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Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
These are all valid points but for #8, if you’ve spent time and were/are emotionally vested in the relationship – wouldn’t feelings be hurt? And how can one not be responsible for having that person hurt? Please help!
I feel this way about hurt feelings. I fell “in love” with this guy. He was the best, treated me like a queen, cooked, a real gentleman, spent time together watching tv, etc at his home. But all of a sudden the holidays came up and his kids came first (which is fine) but because I wanted some holiday time too, he just quit talking to me, e-mailing, etc like he dropped off the face of the earth.
So life goes on, am I hurt. Oh my gosh yes, have I cried you betya, am I sorry I put my heart out there, NO. I would rather experience a heartache than to never have loved and enjoyed life.
I had the same thing happen to me, we celebrated my birthday and all of a sudden he fell off the face of the earth, wish he was man enough to same something, imagine how that made me feel
Life is so short my last marriage lasted 17.5 years when she ststed that she hasn’t seen a “Change” in me for the past years (very controlling statement, and I figured since I had a hospital stay and asked her to pick me up and she stated she could not because it was snowing outside that that was the final straw beining faithful and celebate. Now I am converting to being a Jew, Still active with a new job position at the PO and Shriners for Crippled Children is passionate, I am back on track reguardless of a cold bed at night.
Hi, Cat! Hope you’re having a great day! Well, let’s get to it. Let’s rephrase #8 like this: “Cat, you cannot blame yourself for hurting someone’s feelings when you know in your heart you have to move on.” I remember a relationship I was in once and I absolutely knew I had to get out of it. I knew it was headed in the wrong direction after only 3 months, but I didn’t listen to my gut (heart) and let it linger for almost two years. Finally, I said to myself, “Gabe, you are not happy. Even if I won the lottery and we moved to sunny California I would still not be happy. Even if it rained Hershey’s Kisses everywhere we went, I would still not be happy.” I had to face the reality that there was no chance of this relationship working out. You will feel terrible for breaking it off. You will feel like you made a mistake. You will want to run back. But doing so is only going to put you back on the road to sadness. It may take a few months or even a year, but it’s imperative you understand that you will find happiness. The person you broke it off with will also find happiness so don’t beat yourself up about it. Do what you have to do. Afterall, it’s your happiness we’re talking about here! Hope this helps. Take care.
Gabe
Cat,
What I mean is that you are responsible for your own feelings, and they for theirs. Anytime any of us get into a relationship – there is a risk of hurt. But how one deals with the emotions is really up to them and one can’t stay with someone because they are worried about hurting the other person. You have to put yourself first. Good luck! xo
Cat,
I see it this way. Doesn’t that person you’re trying to protect deserve to be with someone who considers themselves the luckiest person on the planet? Isn’t that what we all want? It hurts in the short term, but in the long term, putting off the inevitable is only hurting them more. And maybe costing them a chance at someone who is right for them.
(and yes, I’ve been the recipient of the I-don’t-want-to-hurt-you delay. Hurt a lot more than if he had manned up and gotten it over with.)
Good luck!
I kind of agree/disagree with both Cat and Jeannie.
We do need to consider other’s feelings. This ability is a key element of interperson skill. It works not only in business, but also everyday life, including relationship. The famous book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is one of many books that talk about this ability.
However, we can not ONLY think about other’s feeling and ignore ours. The All About Me attitude and All About the Other are both very harmful. Somewhere in between is the best choice.
Once I was at a meeting. All the cell phones were turned off except one girl. And she happened to receive a phone call during the meeting. The atmosphere was frozen. I could see someone got annoyed, someone eyed the girl with ice cold look. But the manager heard the ring tone and said “Yeah, party time!” Everybody laughed and relaxed. That is a great demonstration of interperson skill. Yes, nobody but the girl herself was responsible for her feelings. But if the manager also got pissed off and only care about lashing out his feelings, the situation would be total different.
Unfortunately, it seems like more and more boys and girls are focus on “me”, “my feelings”, “my needs” ONLY and don’t give any thoughts about others. Well, not just boys and girls. The wall street fat cats showed same trail. Maybe we should think more about how to balance “we” and “me”, not just focus one.
JustRelax,
I agree with you and considering someone else, or course, is extremely important. I guess the point I was trying to make was more about the fact that I see people stay in relationships too long because they are afraid of their partner not being able to emotionally handle the breakup. At a certain point, I feel like you have to say … enough, I have to live for myself and can’t worry about this other person to the point where I sacrifice my own wants/needs.
Hi Jeannie,
Thank you for the followup. I think what you said to “JustRelax” says it all… and I aggree… at some point, I have to live for myself.
Meow,
Cat
Jeannie,
got it. I agree with you. They should speak up. I think even themselves know that. The only reason they fail to do so is because they don’t know how to. Think this way. After a period relationship, after reach certain degree emotions connection, they still don’t know how to communicate each other effectively. It is such a sad situation.
“You aren’t responsible for the other person’s feelings”
What a selfish advice! So, as long as it works for you, you could care less how the other party feels, huh? Most people who have had their hearts ripped out of them by a breakup will vehemently disagree with you.
When you have been with someone for a significant period of time, you are both responsible for each other’s feelings when things turn sour. The least you could do is to minimize the damage, not act as if you don’t care.
Read the comments above yours; you’ve misunderstood what the blogger meant.
I respectfully disagree. Only because it was a list and it never explained like the “comment above” they may have well meant that but it just looked like a bunch of do it for your self talk. Which isn’t all bad it just looked one sided to me
When it’s happen as many times as it has to me you get hardened to it. My emotions have been shattered over the years so I don’t think I have any left. People say I won’t let someone get close to me but what is the point when you keep getting kicked in teeth.
@Rob. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but when I read your comment, I teared up a little. I’ve been there and completely understand how you feel. But please don’t give up. I know that’s easier said than done.
I’d be concerned about ruining something for another person for years to come. I knew a man whose wife loved Christmas. He told her he wanted a divorce on Christmas Eve. I don’t know how she feels about Christmas now. Never a good time but wasn’t that like the worst time possible. Isn’t December 1st or January 4th maybe a better day for a life altering announcement. Really have some impulse control. It’s not working out fine but choose a different day than their birthday, valentines day or christmas day to break up with them. There are still plenty of perfectly good days in the year to break up with people.
I am more concerned about the length of TIME you stay in the relationship before you decide to call it quits. I am in one now for a little over 2 months. It has been both great and in some cases not so great. We are both decent communicators, but that seems to be an area of major concern. When does the issue of length of TIME raise the issue of breaking off a budding relationship?
ps ypu don’t stay married to “Change your spouse if you have issues, you change your self or atititude***
Why did the blogger not add the most important point–
9. The person you’re dating deserves to be with someone who can wholeheartedly be with him–not someone who is trying to exit. Breaking up with someone is painful for the person, but it can be done respectfully and graciously and is fairer than hanging on when you really don’t want to be there anymore.
completely agree with you Annie! Thanks for this important point!
Exactly!!
I totally agree with you, Annie. It’s just not fair to stay with someone if you are trying to get out of the relationship. As much as it’ll hurt the person, it is also the nicest and most respectful thing you can do for them, since you are not on the same page as each other. Also, I think the not being responsible for the other’s feelings is valid. I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me just because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. It’s just wrong on both ends.
I was in the reverse of this for two years, clinging to a woman who didn’t really love me, but kept going with me to be kind. Finally she broke it off, and I went through eight months of pure hell … I had to admit I was totally obsessed with her. She was the first woman I had dated seriously after my wife of many years died, and I had suppressed looking at the (now obvious) things that made us NOT a good match for one another. She literally rescued me from a downward spiral, but when it was time for her to finally move on, she did. She found a guy who was much better FOR her, and I got over it. Now, a bunch of years later, turns out he was not so good TO her, and she and I are now good friends. We both know we will never make it as a couple, but we both care deeply about one another and probably always will. So I don’t have a hopeless love, but I do have a friend for life. Good deal all the way around. And I thank her for having the courage to do the right thing those years ago, even though it hurt like hell.
A similar thing happened to me. She ended it as nicely as she could, but it still broke my heart. She actually ended it too nicely which kept me hanging on. It was probably for the best, but it still hurts tremendously. I have tried to maintain a friendship with her but I can’t do it. I vent my hurt on occasion. I am naive. How can someone who swore their love to you turn around and hurt you like this? Someday I will get over it.
It’s so refreshing to hear your comment Morgan. It’s shows a lot of growth on your part, and by hearing what you’ve written, we can feel confident that we will get over a hurtful relationship. I believe that every relationship is a gift, and we can take the positive, as well as the negative from each and everyone we meet. From your comments, you have definately grown and come full circle.
I know that I’m learning as I go. It seems that men in my life show up when I’m not looking for a relationship. I think the healthiest place to be is when you are nourishing yourself. When you are whole and healthy, the right person will show up for you.
I’ve got to disagree with everyone here. Putting God first should be the most important thing in a relationship. Even when dating, if a couple puts God first, then themselves (with the appropriate focus on biblical guidelines for the man and the woman), then everything else, a couple will quickly learn whether they’re meant for one another and, if so, everything else will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be, either member of the couple should feel free to break things off, but to do so as gently and positively as possible. Saying something positive like “I’ve really enjoyed dating you and getting to know you, but as we’ve gotten to know each other I’ve realized your not the one for me, but I know God has someone special out there for you” is so much nicer than breaking things off with no phone calls or snide or derogatory remarks. My own personal opinion is that e-mail, Twitter, etc. should not be used to end a relationship — have the wherewithal to end things in person. BTW, alhtough the Bible is, IMO, clear as to the responsibilities of a man and woman in a relationship, I believe it also is far more accepting of men and women as equals than many people believe.
Good for you Scott
@Scott,
I think you are welcome to your viewpoint and the truth as you see it. However, many people don’t put God first in their lives, if at all. eHarmony is not just for those who believe in God (at least last I checked).
I would tend to agree that having enough respect for your partner to break up with them is ideal. However, I do have a counter point. I found myself in a situation due to work and other commitments that I wasn’t going to be able to meet with my prospective breakup partner for about a week.
I made the mistake of intimating that we were going to have dinner and some conversation about the future. That whole week, I was getting emails and phone calls asking me what I meant.
Finally because I had to reschedule, I realized that I was making far too much work and logistical hell out of what really was going to be a simple conversation that was probably best done over coffee (as opposed to dinner which implies a message counter to, Hey, I don’t want to be with you anymore).
After being questioned for the umpteenth time, I ended up letting her know how I felt via Skype chat. And while I wouldn’t recommend this approach, it actually worked out fine. We both ended up in better relationships and we seem to be getting along as platonic friends.
I recognize that my situation might be an exception, but I think a reasonable policy is, “Do it in person, unless doing it in person requires so much drama or logistical foolishness that you’d be better served by sending a message by whatever means necessary.”
I would also say that its important to be available for the conversation. I made myself available for the next hour to field any questions, concerns, or just to allow myself to be the target of vitriol.
Also, keep it simple and be direct. If you start getting too much into the how or why you want to break up, it becomes a negotiation. And if you’re really certain that you don’t want to be with someone, negotiation is the last thing you want to do, imo.
Just my $0.02. Hope this helps someone.
*edits in previous post*
having enough respect for your partner to break up with them ***in person*** is ideal.
Couldn’t agree more! I dated a girl again for a couple months (after 8 months apart, we had dated for a couple months before that) … but the second time around I knew it was not a healthy match (very different personalities). Anyways I tried to fake it til after Christmas (it was in December that I decided to end things for good) … it was a trainwreck. Putting it off made a bad situation that much worse. When you truly decide its a “no go” you need to let the other person lovingly, firmly … and PROMPTLY know. And no, we didn’t actually make it to Christmas day. I still regret the way it ended … and waiting to end it.
Oh … and yes, drama repeats itself. The issues from our first go-round were repeated the 2nd time we tried. Personalities don’t fundamentally change, and we shouldn’t settle hoping that they will. That’s not fair or a good fit for either person.
Thanks for the good reminder!
I am in the midst of a break up. I think that as adults the most fair and honest way to end a relationship is to tell the person that he or she is just not the right person for you and to be positive. Remember relationships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Mine was for a season and a reason. I am moving on and we are still friends. There are no ill feelings. Remember ladies DON’T SLEEP WITH THEM until after 8 to 12 months of dating!
This advice is good. But they almost seem more geared towards somebody that’s no necessarily sure it’s the right move. You should also always ask yourself before you are breaking things off, am I doing it for the right reasons? Remember no relationship is perfect, and no person is perfect. I think people have a tendency to break things off or feel like “something must be wrong” if there is just the slightest bit of work having to be done in the relationship today. You might have a disagreement from time to time, or things might not be a “honeymoon” every day, but that doesn’t mean the person you are with is wrong, more or less it could mean you’ve just been sold a false sense of what a real relationship is from society, IE ..TV, Movies, books, magazines. or you could just not be ready for a committed relationship. Don’t over-think or over-analyze every situation you are in with somebody, always communicate openly, and always go with your gut and not what somebody else is telling you. As long as you do all that, you wont have a doubt in your mind about breaking things off, and most likely you wont even be thinking much about the 8 points above, you will just do it.
All of the points seem to be about “me – me – me”. How *I* can be happy as an individual. But relationships are also about sacrifice, patience and udnerstanding of the other person’s viewpoint. It may be a heresy to say it, but sometimes your happiness isn’t the *only* thing that matters, sometimes the other person does too. A relationship is about moving from being a lone individual (nothing wrong with that) to a shared bond between two united individuals.
Not breaking up with someone cause you don’t want to hurt their feelings? Aren’t you wasting their time and yours. Both of you should be looking focusing your energy on something that will work. Why throw it all away on a unfulfilling relationship? I understand having empathy for the hurt person but how a person has to spend their time should be more important.
I agree with Craig. I know that the post is about trying to assure someone that it really is okay to break up when the relationship isn’t right. But the take-away could have also been that you are number one and that’s what matters. That would be wrong.
I know it would hurt, but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me and I really don’t want to be led on thinking everything is fine. I would hope that I would be let down quickly with dignity and consideration, like I would for them.
@Cat above, re #8. I took #8 to mean that you can’t let the other person’s reaction and feelings stop you from doing what you know is right. That doesn’t mean you have to be cruel about anything. I would still try to make it as painless as possible, but I would know at the same time the other person will still be hurting. If they really cared for you in the first place, IMO. My last break-up was very hard, and I knew it would hurt him a lot. But I knew it was the right thing for me, and had to be done. I was calm and respectful, and tried to be gentle about the whole thing. I think eventually he understood. We are still friends today. (But he’s the only one I still talk to of my exes. LOL) All in all I guess, just treat them as you would like to be treated. If you knew someone was going to break up with you, how would you prefer it be done? Mean and hateful, or nice and calm, etc. I know I’d pick the second. Anyway, feelings are going to be hurt no matter what. But that doesn’t mean we have to make it a worse situation than it already is. And as I said before, we can’t dwell on how they’re going to take it, or feel afterwards. Because if we did that, then I know I would feel too guilty for hurting them, and I would still be stuck in the pointless relationship. Just my opinion. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, because that was not my intention. =)
I have been there too. We likely don’t want to consider that it is a very self-centered thing to think that “I control” my partners happiness or sadness. Really? I CAN MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY? We can completely discredit another by not allowing them to be in charge of their emotional outcome. Only I can make myself happy. I can feel support, love and many other things due to action or inaction of my significant other. But, to be perfectly honest, it is dependent on the individual to make their own way in life and be responsible for their health and personal feelings by living a balanced life. I’ve seen it both ways, I’m too involved in my boyfriend or him too involved in me (simply put self-esteem issues) We can only strive to find the middle point. We all have some weak points that allow us to get off kilter when love is concerned. We’re human and we will get hurt sometimes. Live and learn.
A question for those out there. Have you ever told a person you are breaking up with them, but you still love them and enjoy being with them? Then you have sex with that person and walk out the door forever? This is what happened in my breakup. I should have told her to just get the hell out, but I loved her too much. Is this a nice way to break up with someone or a way to mess with their head?
I think this is generally true for dating relationships, but marriage is completely different. You do need to take care of yourself, but marriage isn’t all about YOU. You don’t commit to someone only to suddenly decide one day that you don’t feel happy & should scamper off elsewhere for happiness. Relationships take work & effort & putting your own happiness first is very selfish & makes for a lifetime of sadness as you constantly run from one job/person to the next seeking happiness. You deserve to be happy but so does the other person – don’t throw it all away the second you aren’t happy.
My last relationship was especially hard to end because while the relationship had only been 2 years I had been best friends with him for over 6 years. I knew I wasn’t going to make him stay in something that was making him miserable and you could plainly see it in his every word or lack of and actions. We finally sat down and made a mutual decision and while it still hurts I knew that ending it then would actually allow for us to keep the friendship which is more than important now that we have a son together. Slowly we are talking again and just being friends but it will never be easy again like it was years before and while I will never regret my son ( I love him more than life itself) there are times I wish the relationship had never happened. So while I agree that you should end the relationship if it is failing and there is no hope of working it out I will also agree that it is one of the hardest things to do especially when only one in the relationship wasn’t happy until the other said something.
I’m absolutely in love with someone for the first time but don’t feel like he is anywhere I am. He is a commited bachalor and I know we will never marry. But, I have so much fun with him and never knew anyone I wanted to be with so much. Should I just break it off since it’s apparent “He’s not that into me”?
Yes. sorry to be so brunt but it’s true.
Anne- why not first ‘back off’ slowly and await developments. Too much drama,at the wrong time, will NOT be helpful
Thank you so much for this article. I found great reassurance and confirmation from it after ending my 20 year marriage to a controlling man who completely neglected my feelings. Any feelings that I would express (including from accidental injuries in the house) were totally irritating to him. So I learned to not react when I stubbed my toe, or burned my hand on the stove, so as to not irritate him. Because I am a Christian, I thought I’d be ‘wrong’ by leaving, so I gave him 2 decades of my life. Now, at 41, I am determined to live life for me, but continue to feel responsible (and a little guilty) for his feelings. But, I am learning to not feel guilty about seeking my own happiness. Thanks again!
It is about feelings that need to be balanced fairly from both sides.
My view is that when you can not longer give to the other person from the heart – or if you feel used in any regular way, then pull out.
We all make mistakes, but if someone isn’t caring about your feelings enough and sharing the ‘same space’ emotionally it plays havoc with getting along well and soon becomes hard work.
Clinging on is not a solution for either side that can ever work.
If in a committed relationship, we are responsible for the other persons feelings but that doesn’t mean never to end the relationship. Almost always someone is going to hurt but with any luck the hurting will be quickly overcome.
The Idea that your life will be full again soon is wishful thinking. I left my marriage years ago and have nothing but terrible short lived relationships since.
Yes, the person leaving a marriage takes on a lot of responsibility. Not to say it’s wrong thing to do -but that is why marriage is held to be special,isn’t it?
I had 2 children with a g/f after my 25 yr marriage ended- I learned my lesson not to get too hurt again,but was there for the kids [again!].
Other relationships can be pretty meaningless,but one can only ‘fly the wire’ when it presents- and bear the undoubted loneliness in between.
This is a serious issue and there are some great comments. I can only offer two things…
1. Be kind. That goes for your husband, kids, wife, friend, mother, mother in law, and yourself. Treat everyone with kindness. If you are hurting, imagine if you were your friend and do what your friend would advise you to do. If you don’t want to be with your partner, be kind and tell them in that way.
2. Accept that your happiness is completely up to you. The last message I see on this list has ‘terrible short lived relationships’ in it. That person needs to create their own happiness. As do each one of us.
wow! what a stash of stuff:)! i’m sitting here thinkin a distinction must be kept btw dating and marriage relationships. Marriage involves a vow b4 God and man (and then children if we have them) that is not to be broken. My experience in longterm group therapy has given me a new level/depth of understanding of all that contributes to the problems we have in relationships. The maturing/unselfish person looks at and understands the contributing factors and then works with the other to overcome and unify. That is the purpose of the covenant. It’s a decision based in character and goodwill rather than emotion and can bring us to a place of great reward (personal/emotional/psychological/spiritual) at having cared and worked enough to traverse the deepest depths of another beings inner workings and simultaneously discover unknown streets in the city of our own hearts. Then we can go forward together in strength and confidence and the oneness we desire. I have found that as much as we think we know another, the hurts and nagging things we don’t understand may be stemming from wounds/fears from the other’s, or our own, (almost always both) childhood and beyond that we don’t recognize and both deserve to be love thru that rather than viewed as the problem or as not compatible or the many other terms used to excuse us from the effort that love and committment may require. This may well take the assistance of a very well trained therapist, but is soooo worth it. The underlying issues i mentioned are the silent killers that bring about the demise of 2nd, and consecutive marriages/relationships. We can go on forever blaming the other person (or saying we are “not compatible” or “have grown apart” , but it has been shown over and over that we can set or change the trojectory of a relationship by simple small choices. The same as we can destroy a relationship with simple, small choices. Let’s not be deceived or so easily swayed by our own desires but seek the deeper understanding which can then spill over into all of our life and relationships. I have such an increased compassion and acceptance of people now b/c of this understanding. It has taken a tremendous amount of pain to bring me here but I am grateful for the new perspective. It has reduced my anger, tension and hurt in all areas (work, dating, parenting, world events, all !) Even as i write this, i am aware of areas that i must choose to work on in myself – the point being that i now have the knowledge to be able to choose to grow more or ignore my areas of weakness (which i honestly am tempted to do at times). One example to tie this in with the topic at hand (dating). In a current relationship, the lady i have been getting to know recently asked if i was calling to yell at her (we had discussed the practicality of continuing our dating relationship due to geographical distance and time and some compatibility and long term desire/goal issues). She was fully expecting me to be upset b/c of her past experiences – but b/c of my new experience-based understanding i had already perceived that she expected me to be upset and I was able to assure her there would be no yelling or degrading b/c I value her for the wonderful unique person God has made her and b/c i understand the source of her perceptions; and i acknowledge my own areas of sensitivity/over-sensitivity. We are at a point where we understand that we may decide to be great encouraging friends rather than dating. A word to the one who commented about waiting 8 or 12 months for sex. You and I are not the standard setters, even tho we often want to be. Sex is for marriage and whatever we decide to do outside of or b4 that is placing one or both of us in a place of greater potential for hurt/distrust/disease and at odds with the protective/providing/delighting heart of God. I certainly understand the struggle as i am just one year into divorce after nearly 17 years of marriage to the woman i was looking forward to being with for the next 20 yrs. I daily wrestle with these issues and repeatedly recognize my areas of hurt and needed growth.
Grace and peace to each of you – may you walk forward with a new desire to see the magnificence of your own being and that of everyone you meet, and to impart life to all.
Paul,
I agree with your comments. I think marriage is a lifetime commitment, and it takes hard work. It is a promise to love, honor and protect the other person till death do you part. If children are involved, it’s even more apparent that it is completely selfish to simply decide to call it quits because you’re no longer “happy”. Happiness is an intrinsic state. Open communication is the only solution to working through problems. It requires commitment.
I too was married for a significant period (23 years) and had hoped it would be for the next 40 as well. As it stands, our family has been “broken”, and the tragedy is evident in all of us, including my former husband. There is just no easy answer to a problem. Bailing is not the solution.
Many good points listed. I being a widow for over 5-1/2 yrs.in my early 60′s began dating a widower in the same age bracket about 4 mos. ago and met through an on-line dating site. Nice person, same Faith as I,he’s retired and I’m still actively employed in a busy profession. We enjoy each others’pleasant company and have become friends. But I don’t feel any chemistry and certainly no desire for a long term commitment or love interest due to different interests and lifestyles.He seems to be very lonely and I fear that he will interpret the time we spend together as leading to a love relationship. Is it possible to remain friends or is it best to break it off before more time goes by and his feelings will be hurt? I don’t want to hurt his feelings but then again I don’t want to give him false hopes, and waste his time and mine. Is it possible to maintain a platonic relationship or better to go on our own ways? My friends tell me “just enjoy the moment” and don’t read into it too much. But somehow, I am not satisfied with that answer. It is quite different dating in the 60-ish age group than when I was in early 20′s!! Anybody have any advice for me?
I recently has a year as only ‘friends’ with a woman staying here from US to work. I always understood it was platonically based and that she had an eye for a guy back home.
All the same we enjoyed travel to shared group walks. meals out and she offered to care for me in her flat when I came out of hospital. This was cancelled anyway- but I valued our time together and I helped her out a lot practically, also. Typical bloke, I suppose, but I understood the age gap of ~20 yrs and some cultural differences. The main thing to remember is be honest and maybe not get drunk together!
I miss her company as she was lively, but I always knew of the differences existing and that a barrier was there. I think she had to work at this a bit- so maybe you will have to also, as it’s a tricky tightrope to walk.
Sorry for the long post. This was on my mind for a long time.
C-Ann: I was at the other end of the type of platonic relationship you describe yourself to be in. She was a co-worker (let’s call her ‘Terri’, she’s 42, I’m 52) who initially worked in a different branch in the same city. I met her 10 years ago when inter-office ‘backfills’ had us work together one day every 3-4 months or longer, but we never had anything other than a work relationship, and we didn’t maintain contact between those times.
About two years ago, I was permanently transferred to Terri’s office. It was then that we discovered that we had actually met for the first time about 20 years earlier, when we were both in the military, on a Base at the other end of the country during a half-day audit. She was married then, but in the 2 decades since had divorced, and had become a single mom with a different man, who was no longer in the picture. I had remained single, no kids. It turned out we were almost neighbours, living about eight blocks apart in a city of 350,000.
We became close friends, going for regular walks together, where we would talk about past relationships; things we could do together; our families; and of course, work. Terri would call me at home almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day, even if we had worked together that day (she works only two-three days a week). She would often visit at my house with her 7 year old daughter, sometimes with little more than 15 minutes notice that she was coming over. I was often at her house too, helping out with some of the heavy yard work, and one time, rushing over when she had a flood in her yard, and she called me in a panic, even though it was six in the morning and I was on holidays. When I invited Terri and her daughter for a barbeque on a day off, she brought her mother along to meet me, and then we went to her mothers house, where we spent the rest of the evening. About mid-June last year, she said during one of her phone calls “you know we’re just friends, and always will be…”. Our daily phone calls continued, with her calling me at least 4 out of 5 times. One day in July, when my brother and his wife were visiting from New Zealand, she ‘just happened’ to be driving by, and decided to drop in to meet them, even though I hadn’t invited her over. Our close friendship was noticed and commented on by co-workers – all of whom encouraged us as being ‘right for each other’.
Yet nothing was happening romantically. So starting early last September, I tried to distance myself a bit from Terri. But if we went two days without contact, she would call me again. When I cut a call short one evening, because I “had to go get groceries”, Terri told me to wait for her at the store, and she, her daughter and I did our grocery shopping together – this happened a few times over the next month. She invited me to attend a dinner theatre with her – and her mother – with her paying for the tickets. About four months after her “we’re just friends…” comment, Terri invited herself and her daughter to my house for the next evening to carve pumpkins for Halloween, which was in a couple days. One day at work early in November, she brought an expensive souvenir item for a local pro-sports team, which she knew I was a big fan of, and showed it off to everyone in the lunchroom at the end of the day, saying “Someone is getting this for his birthday”. Three weeks later, she did give it to me on my birthday, along with a card from her, and a hand drawn card from her daughter. I invited her to a social event that she knew was important to me to be held the next week, but she turned me down, saying “I’m not a going-out person”. About two weeks before Christmas, when I asked her (and her daughter) to go to a popular Christmas display with me that evening, she said yes. When I went to pick them up, she said we couldn’t go until we decorated her tree together, which we did. We spent a very pleasant evening together the next week at my house creating a gag gift for a co-worker; and she came over on Christmas eve, when she, her daughter and I exchanged gifts. Terri was ill for five days over New Years, but we talked daily. On New Years Day, though she was still sick, I went to her house. Her mother was there, but then left with her daughter, so Terri and I were alone. We talked for a bit, but because she was on medication, she was extremely tired and had to go to sleep. So I got up to leave, but because it was New Years Day, I took advantage of it and gave her a big hug. We held each other for about a minute, without any conversation. She didn’t seem to want to let go – I released her first. This was the only physical contact we’ve ever had.
Through the next three weeks, the almost daily phone calls by Terri continued, and we spent a great evening at my house with her and her daughter. But still, nothing romantic was happening.
I finally decided this had to end, one way or another. Late in January, I went to her house with a rose, intending to tell her that I cared about her, loved her, I wanted us to be a real couple, and so on. But as soon as she saw it, she exploded in anger, saying things like ‘friends don`t give friends flowers’. She didn’t take it, and wouldn’t let me say anything, and said that she didn’t want to talk to me for a while. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls, or talk to me at work if she could avoid it. I waited a week, then e-mailed her a video I`d shot of her when she was carving pumpkins at my place, and included a segment where I apologize on video and asked her if we could talk again soon. She then started making up stories about what had happened between us to co-workers, bad-mouthing me to everyone. A female co-worker and friend, Simone, who knew everything that had been happening between us, tried to help work things out between us, but Terri would have none of it. Terri told her she needed ‘space’. After about two months, there was still a lot of tension at work. When an opportunity for a temporary transfer to another office came up, I took it, just to put some distance between us. I’ve been away from my home office for over a month now, and my boss from there calls me about twice a week saying how much they all want me to come back. He’s even said that he’d rather it was Terri that left, but he understood why I did. It turns out she hadn’t been well-liked at work before I came there, but they had been nice to her when they saw we had a close friendship. I am supposed to go back in two months, and would rather work in that office, but I’m not really looking forward to it.
So C-Ann, you were looking for advice. Based on my own recent experience, you need to keep contact with him to a minimum. Definitely don’t be giving him any little gifts; don’t tell him you’re just friends and then act like you’re more than that. It’s deeds, not words – people know you for what you do, not what you say you would do! You can remain friends, but you must put some distance between yourselves first. Don’t be available to be company any time you talk, and don’t ask him to attend events with you…in other words, don’t do anything that could be considered a ‘date’, don’t let situations develop where he thinks he is successfully pursuing you. And accept that it may take a couple months before he recognizes that there will be no romance between you, and decides he must move on. You will still be friends if he thinks it is his decision. If he is as lonely as you suggest he is, you will cause him a lot of pain and confusion if he sees more to this relationship than you do, and you will both lose a good friend.
And you really can be wasting time for both of you. In this last month I’ve started a relationship with Simone, a beautiful woman 20 years my junior. She’s already said she loves me, and has for some time. She said she envied the relationship Terri and I had, but she didn’t want to get between us. When I tried to wind things down with Terri last September, I had intended to ask Simone out. I haven’t told her I love her too, but I know I will very soon. This could have started with Simone over seven months ago, but Terri kept giving me signals that there was something between us.
@C-Ann – I’m only 48 (only – hahaha) but I think it’s all the same, whatever age bracket. If you think he believes your dating is leading to a long termand you are SURE that it is not, let him know and probably let him go. It seems that peole in your age bracket are often in better situations than mine having never been married at all. There are other men your age (or whatever age you choose to date)that you may find more compatible than this gentleman and you won’t be available to find him if you’re spending too much time with this man. Just my thoughts.
Imagine waiting until 4 days before a 25th wedding anniversary to hear that your partner has been unfaithful at least 3 times within the last 6 months and wants a divorce. Then to turn around 3 months later to say he wants the marriage to work then 2 weeks later gets arrested for assault because I said I didn’t want things to work out. If he was so unhappy for years. I wish he had been MAN enough to just file for divorce and end things before things got painful and expensive. Dont wait, if unhappy end things immediately.
Wow!
Man, it is like you wrote this for me. A mantra of sorts. I was in an unhealthy relationship for over five years involving a woman, a kid, and potential marriage. After countless breakups and subsequent get back togethers I read this and it spoke a truth I could not face. I deserve and will find a partner that will share a life not take it from me. Life is too short. Do not stay in an unhappy relationship.