Settling for someone who lacks the important (must-have) qualities you are looking for is a bad idea for many reasons. I completely get why people do it, but it is sort of like putting a band aid on something – eventually you may have to rip it off. I believe many of us do this to avoid the perceived unhappiness and fear of being alone, and eventually find that we are discontented anyways — in an unfulfilling relationship.
Here are some reminders of why you should never settle:
1. You are unavailable to meet the right person if your energy is going into a subpar relationship.
2. You will actually be happier on your own in the long run, believe it or not, than if you stay with this person.
3. Life is not a dress rehearsal, so why waste it with someone who isn’t as amazing as you are?
4. Don’t let fear of the unknown drive your decisions.
5. A lack of confidence in someone is an added burden when going through life’s challenging times.
6. Your incompatibilities will eventually become a constant irritant (not a fun way to live, and it’s not good for you either).
7. You run the risk of losing your joy and becoming emotionally drained in a stressful situation.
Now on the flip side, my insightful colleague Grant Langston did bring up a good point, telling me that sometimes singles looking for love have such a lengthy list of must-haves that they aren’t realistic and may never meet a person who will live up to those standards. I think if you narrow it down to ten important character/value traits, and let a lot of the other things go, you will be doing pretty well.
Have you ever settled for someone … and regretted it?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I settled for many years ago and endured years of an emotionally difficult relationship. Now I am divorced. However I also have two wonderful children which I co-parent with their mother. Certainly having wonderful kids within a wonderful marriage relationship would be a beautiful life. Given that people do not change, settling for is creating conditions for much future pain.
This is a very useful post. Every single point of the 7 reminders is very true. I settled with a man 16 years ago who lacked the important qualities. Now I’m divorced as a single mom for my wonderful child. That guy was never much of a husband or father. And now he is completely a deadbeat dad living and sleeping in another country with another woman that he used to cheat his marriage.
I definitely settled a few years ago and when I was finally delivered from that situation I vowed to myself to never do it again ever! Great post
I also settled years ago. I was in a live-in relationship which wasn’t going that great. But being young and in LUST, thought it was love. My mother was constantly on us about “living in sin”. So after being together for 4 years, we married. Things continued on the not so great path. Then one day I realized I made a terrible mistake. Getting out of that marriage was the best decision I could have made. It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from me. Since that time, I have made more bad choices but quickly removed myself. I have been independently happy for 5 years now, working on me. This article is very helpful, if one takes the time to read it and apply it. But of us have to learn through experience and sometimes, some of us don’t come out of it well or alive! Pay attention to the red flags…DANGER AHEAD!!!
Dee,
Some good advice & a great metaphor! Good for you to have come to a place of maturity and contentment! You go, Girl!
We all would like to learn some those difficult life lessons through others’ experience rather than having to go through the pain ourselves in what’s referred to as
“learning things the hard way”
To take your red-flag metaphor and continue with it…
We all have an internal GPS (along with those Red-flags) which tells us when we are heading for some uneven terrain or bumpy roads ahead, when we have taken the wrong way, when we should “proceed with caution” and when all lights ahead are green & say, “GO!”
Sometimes, we choose to shove the GPS in the glove box in favor of the wild ride of being “madly in love”- the result is that eventually we are brought to a place of road-blocks & flashing red lights. If we heed the smaller, more subtle signs along the roadway of Life & relationships, it should save us from navigating unsafe roads or suffering a major collision.
I’m in a new relationship now in which there are definitely caution signs. The longer I know my boyfriend, the more I see my role more as a friend/ mentor (a flag person, perhaps) to him rather than a co-traveler on life’s road. He is a great guy who is very positive about me, but otherwise lacks a basic sense of self and sees life as having done him wrong rather than experiencing JOY in the present and moving forward from past mistakes/ hardship.
I have realized that any man to whom I commit my life and self must have a basic confidence/ optimism. And while we are all basically “in-process”, a person must be fulfilled and happy in their own skin in order to partner with another person in a healthy relationship.
So, I’m keeping a close eye on the signs ahead and proceeding with caution.
Safe Traveling!
-Lizzie
I’m sad because I was married to the wrong man …then divorced 10 years after…all my friends came out afterwards and admitted they had thought and always known he was not for me…now 7 yrs after the divorce I’ve been in 2 relationships and am still in the 2nd …my friends are still saying the same thing and I also feel that he is not the one… but can’t seem to leave him. He’s a very nice person and he is kind to me it’s just something seems to be missing for me…I’m just really not happy at times and am scared that I am settling again.
Sheila,
I just wanted to encourage you to get to know yourself & what matters most to you in LIFE & in a Life-partner. Make a list. Whenever, an issue comes up in your less-than-satisfying relationship, get a pencil or pen & jot down what you CAN & CAN’T live with long-term.
We don’t want to be petty either. We know ourselves to be flawed, imperfect creatures & must accept the same in others. However, there are just certain things which are central to WHO you ARE. It is important to recognize these, so you can know yourself & grow as a person whether you are alone or with someone.
Every relationship has its Up’s & Down’s…
Yet, Ultimately, being in partnership with another human being should ENRICH your life more than cause you strife & pain.
That’s what it comes down to.
Blessings!
-Lizzie
Sorry, Joey.
the last post I wrote in response to yours was mistakenly addressed to Sheila rather than to you.
Blessings, Joey!
-Lizzie
I settled and compromised my belief’s for a man who was a good provider but a horrible person to live with for 22 years (what a waste) It ultimately affected my children (from my previous marriage) and my 14 grandchildren in extremely negative ways. After being divorced now for 3 years, my focus is on rebuilding my family with my children and grandchildren and all of our healing so we can all move on in a more positive life.
My list is really long and it would be really hard to prioritize it to 10. Too many things I just won’t settle for and even though I am alone, I’m not really lonely as my friends and family are very loving and supportive.
I was 15 when I met my ex-husband, and married him at 18. I didn’t know what true love was. he was controlling, abusive(in every way), manipulative and mean. After a hard road back to being single, I was now 27 with two kids. Now older… and always picking the guy who can’t commit and I am not talking about marriage – but just to a live in situation. Not that I am apposed to marriage but I am so weary of what how he truly is that the trust comes very slow!
I attempting to find someone who will want me for all that I am, and all he is (not for what could be) but is the perfect really out there. I didn’t think my expectations of a really great guy were too high – but when I find someone I like – I find it hard NOT to settle.
My only regret at this moment is that I never saw this post earlier. I just broke up with my live-in boyfriend who cheated on me and now has someone else pregnant. I got pregnant (later miscarried) and when I told him he insisted I abort the child. I was devastated at his response – he has someone else pregnant and he can’t manage 2 kids at the same time. To believe we were both planning on getting married and raise our family was just heart-rending in the end.
In retrospect however, I’m happy all this happened to open my eyes about the settling and sacrifices I made for him and the relationship, even when there were times I was emotionally abused and distraught. I thank God now for sparing me further trouble.
I agree with Shelia. There are some things a person should NOT settle for. I have settled too many times. Recently, I also married a man who was a good provider, but controlling and mean. The relationship ended just months after our wedding. I knew that I shouldn’t have been in that relationship, but I wanted to be married. I think my son is happier too now that he is gone. It was just wrong. All that being said, I don’t think it’s the quantity of your list, but the quality. Just how realistic and/or important are your demands? I think talking to someone who you know will help you be critical of your list and not be bias would help. I think I have a good list, now I just need to learn to follow it (and not lose hope of finding the right one).
Sara,
I usually don’t respond to this comments, but your touch me deeply. I can relate so much, I made the mistake of marrying someone that is controlling and full of red red that all my friend and family saw and they try to warn but I wanted to be married 2 months after the wedding I filed for divorce I thank you and everyone else for their post and comments it gives me strength and courage to make the right decision for me and 14 yr old son next time.Good luck to you.
I would not settle again. I married the guy i liked in college because it was time and we got along well. There was no passion and it just didnt work out and we left friends.
The second time i thought the guy that was Nice to me and my twins was nice hard working and treated his mother great. But he wouldnt committ either in the MARRIAGE way even though we had a child together . After seven years and much verbal abuse i got my kids and I out, even though i had to live with my parents. My kids have been effected for the rest of their lives. NEGATIVELY. Im alone, lonely but i dont think its worth it anymore. Men cause too much pain.
My last ex boyfriend I know I settled. I thought it shouldn’t take me longer than a year to find that special someone after my previous relationship ended. Things started out great known as the honeymoon period, yet after a month, 6 months I began to feel the strain and continued to do so for 2 1/2 years. We really didn’t connect, very very little in common, we really didn’t talk nor communicate. He was a very unhappy person in general, issues, a cheater, critical, didn’t know what he wanted….Of course I developed feelings for him so I stayed as long as I did. Anyway when one settles it creates alot of problems possibly or it’s just not meant to be and eventually it will end because at the end of the day your just not right for each other.
I can’t say that I’ve ever settled for a relationship. I would say I have more of a problem like what Grant describes (not finding someone because of a lengthy list of “must have” traits in a girlfriend). Although I don’t feel my list is that extensive or that demanding. I’ve just always chalked it up more to me having an “eclectic” set of needs in a relationship, and there aren’t that many women my age that can fit those needs.
I’m 25, I don’t drink, smoke, or party. Even though I’m 25, I’m very much an old man (“darn kids and their rap and roll!”… OK, not that bad). I prefer small group activities, and love good conversation, whether it be silly, intellectual, or somewhere in between. A lot of people my age seem to have the attention span of a chihuahua, and get bored very quickly with those kinds of situations. I tend to sometimes be attracted to women that are older than I am namely because I am more engaged with them as they are more capable of holding up their end of a conversation and have interesting and charming input. But of course, people tend to be kind of weird about age. So, really, I find myself in a catch 22.
Point being, with all things considered, yes, it can be somewhat difficult when you have some extensive needs. But I find that I’m perfectly happy being single. A girlfriend would be wonderful, but I think settling would be a much bigger problem than being single.
Hi Bryan – I very much relate to what you shared, so it was encouraging to hear your thoughts. I meet a lot of great guys…but it just never seems to be quite right. I know that I”m not perfect, and am not asking for perfection either. But I’m definitely holding out for a really unique connection. And it sometimes seems like the “right fit” for who I am might not actually exist – I relate to your comment on having an “eclectic set of needs.” I sometimes marvel at all the people I know who are married…how did they all find “the one”!? I think some people are more willing to go with good enough – and I just can’t. For one of the biggest and most permanent decisions of my life, I want to hold out for an incredible connection. And like you said, being single (to some at least) is better than settling for a mediocre relationship. Thanks for sharing. And best of luck in finding someone who fits you well!
~Molly
Bryan,
It sounds like you are a great guy in the ideal position of being happy with yourself but open to a relationship. Good for you!
Don’t worry. It will come along….
And so will a girl (or woman) who has the same sort of eclectic needs & personality- who is fun, charming, intelligent, strong, sweet, confident, well-grounded and also
“AN OLD SOUL” (well, SEASONED perhaps
as you are.
Oh, where were YOU when I was 25!
Blessings!
-Lizzie =)
Thank you again for this blog, its helping me to get out of a difficult relationship with the father of my last child. I have 3 children with different men, and hoped this one would last and end in happily ever after. we make each other happy, and are totally happy but there are those qualities that you mention that i have noticed in our relationship. I just cant get past the issues, leave him because too many people have told me he is no good for me, but the kids adore him, and look to him. i have never had a male figure in my life, dad and mom seperated when i was 5 and since then i always wanted someone to lean on, someone to share with. i know i can be demanding, but feel its for the benefit of my kids. how do i move past and move on without hurting myself, the kids and him? i would really appreciate any advice from people in similar relationships. thank you
I am so glad to read this post because I too settled for the wrong man. What happened was I met someone who said all the right things. However, his approach to relationships was rushed. After only 3 dates he called me his girlfriend. We got engaged on my birthday after only 4 months of dating. We were married a year later. It was then I found out we had nothing in common. We fought constantly during our marriage. Thankfully we didn’t have kids though. I could never and would never put my children through that kind of pain. The problem is I like to really take my time to get to know the other person. I don’t believe in rushed relationships. Relationships in general take time to grow and blossom into something beautiful. A rushed relationship only leads to heartbreak in the end. My ex-husband was a control-freak and ended up cheating on me with his current wife. We got divorced 2 years ago. It was like a HUGE weigh had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I know better. I want to do the whole relationship thing the right way.
I am so glad I saw this article. I’m at work now and I was just thinking about how lonley I am and want to be in a good relationship leading to marriage. I’m 49, single woman, never married, no kids. However, after reading the articles and talking to several unhappily married friends, I feel like I can wait a little longer. Even it marriage never happens, at this age, I don’t think I can or will settle just to have someone. N’ever say never,’ but it appears to me that most of you are saying it’s better to be alone than to settle. GOD grant me the wisdom…You know the rest!
You deserve the very best and don’t settle for anything less!! you’re doing the right thing WAIT !! I settled 29 years ago, knew in my heart not to marry this man, God even told me “do not marry him” but did anyway because of fear of people. I married on LOOKS, LUST and LUXURY, which only last about 4-8 months, after 10 years of living hell and surviving attempted murder/suicide, i finally started to work on myself. I’ve survived several deadly things in my life and there is NOTHING WORST THAN BEING MARRIED AND FEELING ALONE. I call it the 20 year detour (10 yrs down the wrong road, 10 yrs back healing). it wasn’t God’s desire for me to live on plan B, but He does turn trash into treasures (now I’m able to help other broken people heal), listen to your heart, He knows what’s best for us!!
I’m almost 49, (really the new 39) been single for 18 yrs, stopped dating after the first 5 years of wreaking peoples lives. because HURTING people HURT people. God told me as long as I had a companion (lustful or platonic relationship) I didn’t need or was available for a husband!! WOW. As long as I was in a relationship I wasn’t working on my healing. Because it’s difficult for a person to process pain (a survival mode) and be in the excitement of new relationship (emotional mode) at the same time. A person will always choose the emotional high of what feels good to bury the pain. BUT THE PAIN ALWAYS COMES OUT, if it’s not processed out with words, it comes out in our ACTIONS and UNCONSCIOUS BEHAVIORS, that always cause more pain and hurt people we care about. Just because we’re single doesn’t mean we’re AVAILABLE !!
I’m right back where I was when I was 18 whole, HAPPY and alive!! Most people go from relationship to brokenness to relationship to brokenness – never taking the time to heal, thats why 60% of marriages end in divorce. The world’s marriage counseling system says to take 6 months for every year your married or in a relationship before dating again, but Gods time is different, sometimes its faster and sometimes its equal – like mine was. I’m very happy now, and most important just received my WHOLE HEART, able to love again the right way and with the right person God will bless me with (now working the out body 19.5 years to heal the heart half year to heal the body). God told me I’d be this age when I got divorced and I said I’ll never wait that long to have a family again. But so glad I did it God’s way & God’s wisdom !!!
Here I am whole and healthy with a friend of ten years that has also been working on his healing and our eyes are opened and our hearts spiritually connect. ITS WORTH THE WAIT. Six years ago we tried to make it work but both of us were still broken and he wasn’t what I wanted. Two half broken hearts don’t make ONE whole heart. If we connected then it would have ended in divorce and just caused more pain for the both of us.
I wanted to tell this man I loved him when he told me he loved me, but… the Lord told me “he needed and deserved to here it from a whole heart”. I checked my heart and said to myself thats not me, I’m only 3/4 healed (almost, but not whole) so I didn’t respond, he took it as a rejection, but it was a sacrifice. because I thought if I don’t tell him he might hear it from someone else with a whole heart. BUT God said “or after your healed he’ll still be available” here I am, whole hearted and he’s still available, were still friends, and his heart is almost whole also, see its all about WHOLE healthy hearts being connected at the right time.
I know many people that got divorced 20 years ago, like I did, but didn’t take the time to heal. Most have been married or in unhealthy relationships 4-5 times since then, now with children that will have to endure the heartache, and learned bad behaviors of multiple relationships, causing another generations of heartbreaks. Because they didn’t take the time to heal or wait they have constantly lived in a hurting mode. going from emotional high & excitement of meeting someone new to emotional low of wanting to die because they are right back where they were 20 years ago – BROKEN and shattered again. Broken women don’t have anything to offer or can’t hold on to another man with the respect and admiration that the man needs to be fulfilled and able to fully love his wife, which will last forever that way!!
Our hearts are like a flower, when its whole it radiates with a beautiful perfume scent, a LIGHT of LOVE and LIFE that will be GLORIOUS, GROW and GLISTEN. My light illuminates from within to the outside, attracting men and women to see what real love is like and I’m still single and almost available. ITS WORTH THE WAIT. When God connects us with the right person in the right time our hearts will blossom and sing. Until then make sure the darkness in the heart and pain of anything has been processed so we will be available for the right one at the right time that God picks. Just remember if your ready, maybe your husband God has for you isn’t yet, but when the divine time is right it will happen and be a beautiful thing that people will be in awe of and say thats what I want and see its worth the wait. Beautiful and blessed things come to those who wait on the Lord. Appreciate and love yourself for who you are and where you are (WISE, single, whole, healthy) and let the connection happen in the right season. Walk in His light so we can shine!! Use the wisdom shared from others – you deserve the very best and never settle for anything less. (the best means best husband God picks for us, usually its not the one we would have picked for ourselves) God know exactly what we NEED, when we need it, and what we desire!
great article! perfect timing! i was in a relationship for a little over a year and it was not long before i knew it was not what i wanted. i gave it the benefit of the doubt and gave it an extra 3 months…long story short…after 1 year and a couple weeks i called it quits. my friends say i am too picky… i believe i have standards and am not asking for too much. in this past relationship i did settle. my standards kept getting lower and lower. i have never been married as i decided to put my life on hold for my daughter who is 21 now…it’s my time, so i KNOW what i want in a relationship. all i want to feel special, important, wanted..a bit of romance…not asking for much…well he is a great guy, not speaking ill of him but he was just NOT the great guy for me. after we broke up i decided to never, EVER date again. lol…i don’t feel like it had been a waste of a year instead as a lesson of what i did NOT want in a relationship. it takes courage to leave a relationship and know that you won’t have that someone to hang out with, go to a movie with, maybe sleep with on occasions…but in the end it sure makes you feel a whole lot better. i would rather feel alone and lonely because i AM alone than feel that way and having someone that is supposed to make me feel good. i am living proof that settling is not an option, i will NEVER do it…and now i am dating a wonderful man who is the “perfect” man for ME. everything i have ever wanted in a man, he is! i’m glad i did not throw in the towel. this man has showed and proven to me that what i was asking for is not much…it’s everything HE has been wanting in a relationship as well…it’s been a month and the feelings just keep growing and i have yet to find the one thing that i just can’t stand or perhaps a deal-breaker…it takes time…and i know he really isn’t “perfect” and i am not either…but i know the art of compromising which makes for a better relationship. is there a perfect match for everyone? yes! sometimes it takes time…i’m 47 and i have found mine…ladies and gentlemen, don’t give up and don’t settle for anything less than what YOU need in a relationship. it can happen! to me…what is happening to me is like a dream come true…here’s to hoping it will last for a long long time…
Wows! I absolutely loved your story – very inspiring! So very happy for you. : ) I will be 42 in August and honestly am scared that love won’t find me, but try to replace that with positive thoughts as much as possible. Question for you is that’s ok? Before you met your guy, did you ever feel that this love business was just all hype? or something similar, hard to really put into words, I hope you can understand what I am meaning??? Anyway, reading about your relationship truly gives me hope and I thank you very much for that and wish you nothing but the very best!!!
I am a firm believer that love business is all hypes, it’s similar as terrorism fear, way too much and too commercialized as much as banning liquid in the airplanes!! My take on this is all 7 points in a right (not too left/right) perspective. To live is also to take a risk, to learn is also by making mistakes, tone down the noises in my head, give positive energy to people around with nothing to expect, love and spend quality time with my parents and siblings. Life is perfect the way it is..
I love my current wife of 16 years (and mother of our two beautiful daughters), but have come to realize over the years that she was a “rebound” for me, immediately after two consecutive 3-year “roller-coaster” relationships with very outgoing blue-eyed blonde women. My wife was the exact opposite – short brown hair, brown eyes, and relatively demure. She was a “safe” place for me to be after deciding to “give up” on blondes. In hindsight, I wish I (we) would have placed more emphasis on compatibility. While we did certain things together at the time, we should have taken the initiative up front to dig deeper and realize that we really don’t have many of the same interests at all. For example, she would rather read and watch fictional entertainment, while I’m completely turned off by that genre and would rather learn about people, places, and events in history that actually took place. The physical things have definitely changed too, but I won’t go into that here. Sounds like a good case for divorce, right? Well, it’s not that simple when you have daughters still in school and a nice house for them to live in, among other things. Like I said, I do love my wife, but have to say we’re just not compatible.
But do you have a connection?
I don’t think it sounds like a good case for divorce. Is she still “safe” for you? I think we talk about safe as bad in dating situations but I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Also, I believe that just because you don’t seem to have many interests in common doesn’t mean you can’t find a new one together. Ultimately if both people in a relationship are willing to continue working on and building the relationship who’s to say it won’t survive? My parents divorced b/c my dad was too busy noticing what his marriage didn’t have instead of appreciating what it did have. Best of luck to you in finding the things you are truly compatible in.
Hi Todd, you mentioned you still love your wief but are not compatible in some ways. I don’t think these are grounds for a divorce. Have you both spoken? Does your wife know how you feel? If you still love her and she does you, I hope you can find a solution to how you both may be feeling. Sometime couples tend to become bogged down with the daily grind, or one person is waiting on the other for “change.” Best way to start is with self. I wish you and your marriage the best for a happier future together.
I can totally identify with you Todd, I too am currently in a relationship with a man that has never shown interest in marrying,even after 11 years and 2 wonderful children. It started out as a safe choice for me and, unfortunately instead of ending it when I started to realize we really didn’t have that much in common after all, we compounded our folly by having two children together. Even though he is a good man, his parenting and spousal skills leave a lot to be desired but because of my children,who love him blindly, as only children can, my one attempt at breaking free failed. With him, my children and I have a semblance of family life and security if nothing else, something I myself have never known, since I grew up without a father and came to know my mom later on in life. I will say this however, it never is too late to correct that mistake and I’m currently working on ways to do just that, in the least destructive way to my children’s way of life.
I have always dated with the idea of finding the “right” one. After decades, I pretty much gave up, then at age 48, the “right” one came along. 6 1/2 years later, she died. Enjoy your life. The “right” one may never come, and if she does you may not have her for long.
Thank you for sharing your LOVE. I’m so sorry for your loss, and know it takes time to heal. how beautiful that you waited for the “right one” until she came. although a short time for a loving gift, it is 6 1/2 years more than most people in a life time will ever experience. Isn’t it better to love for a short season than to never really love at all?? I loss my soon to be husband that God gave me when I was 18 in an accident i survived, I locked away his last words in my heart never to feel pain again, which also locked out the real love able to give and receive from anyone. Then again at 19 watching my next godly relationship died in another accident. I ran from God, then did it my way and settled for looks, lust, and luxury – which never last because its not love!! then rebounded and married someone I shouldn’t have – living in hell for 10 years. After 22 years of buried pain, I healed, I was so blessed to have experience the time of LOVE I did have because those short seasons is so much better than a lifetime of settling. If you want to watch a great movie or read the book which is better “A walk to remember” I like to call it a “season to remember” It puts things in perspective of what really matters and how short live & love is. Yes enjoy your Life, EVERY BREATH IS A GIFT and when SHARED WITH LOVE, IT BECOMES PRECIOUS (or should I say PRICELESS)!! which means of high price, great value, highly esteem spiritually, excessively delicate, costly, rich, worth a kings ransom – it COST!! it’s a RISK!! But so WORTH any amount of time when found !! Most people try to tell me that my happiness is fake, and that no one could be this happy all the time… Until they hear my testimony of what I’ve survived and realize I cherish my every breath and enjoy life to its fullest because its so short! Enjoy the memories of love that you had, although brief, it will keep her love alive, so you can continue to share what you did have… its a beautiful gift
I too have realized that i settled without realizing it. I was married for 20 years to my EX. Discovered he had been cheating on me and lying about it repeatedly. The problem is that i first discovered him cheating a month before we were married, considered calling off the wedding, however he assured me that it was a big mistake and would not happen again. Obviously it did, and i later learned he had been cheating and lying to me through our dating and married life. My friends cautioned me, however the saying that love is blind is true. Well my eyes are wide open now. He has been trying to get back together ever since we separated/divorced, my confidence and trust in him is gone and I will never settle again.
I used to feel bad about being single, but then I realized that a lot of the bad feelings were culturally imposed. In this society, if you are an unmarried woman with no kids at 40, you’re supposed to feel like a failure, but what if it’s not what you really want?
It’s not that I ever lacked for people wanting to marry me. Lord knows, I’ve had plenty of opportunities. But I finally realized that the reason why I never married is because I’m a big fat commitmentphobe. I’m more afraid of being in the wrong relationship than I am of being alone. It’s NOT because of any character defect that I’m still single, like I’ve been told all my life, but that for better or for worse, I’ve been in the driver’s seat the whole time. Knowing that has made me feel loads better about myself.
I’m in a relationship now with a nice man, but I don’t know if I want to commit to him or not. He kinda freaked me out with premature jewelry (that’s any jewelry received before the fourth date), but as he’s divorced, he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to get hitched.
I think the only way I could get over my commitmentphobia is if I meet someone I’m totally crazy about, and that really hasn’t happened. If I meet that wonderful guy and the only way to hold on to him would be to marry him and bear his kids, I’d do it. Until then, I’m not in any hurry to be tied down.
I lost my husband four years ago after a long and lovely marriage. I have been dating a wonderful man for about two years, and I feel like I am settling because he is not the love of my life. Yet he DOES have wonderful values, etc. So am I really settling or am I just wanting too much?
Or maybe comparing him to the “love of your life” and he seems to be falling short? If he is great, really appreciate him for his values and how he treats you and how you feel around him. Appreciate and love him for his own gifts and individuality.
Judith,
Is it just a lack of enthusiasm or is the relationship lacking some essential ingredient or connection?
It sounds like you are at a pivotal point in determining if this man you are with is your soul mate.
Maybe list-making is called for.
Decide what qualities in a relationship/ partner are essential to WHO you ARE, then decide what you CAN & CAN’T Live with and without.
The main Question:
Does he ENRICH your life more than he brings Pain/ Strife to it?
Also, Can you picture a life without him?
Or is walking through life hand-in-hand your heart’s desire?
Only YOU can answer these questions.
Life is too short to be feeling as if you’re settling, Judith.
Blessings!
-Lizzie
never settle for less that what is Best for me: to settle is to put myself on the back burner. Live & Learn: “If I keep a bird in a cage: the bird will never fly” Integrity & Dignity are most important to me: covers much. I had to learn what was most important to me & Know it & Believe it & I live it. It’s all about the Intent of a person’s heart that I look for first. I would rather live by myself than ever settle again in my entire life on this planet! Happiness is a choice. Think & Believe = I will have what I desire! Emotions change as the wind & emotions lie: I use Logic above all!
Very good Philosophy, wish that it was that easy to Live Life by.
I honestly believe that the problem about picking wrong and settling is that most people subconciously have things like good looks at the top in their list of must-haves for a partner (instead of the things that truly matter for a lasting relationship). Because of that most people (specially the ones that marry young and quickly) pick wrong. I mean they pick someone they like, but who may not be compatible with who they are in the long run.
What everyone needs to do is to ensure that they are not settling because of the above (i.e. good looks, necessity of sex, etc etc) but rather because that other person truthfully cares about them and has things in common. This is more important for women because having a kid with the wrong guy will certainly change your life forever, and it will also drive away a good # of good compatible men you may find later. Trust me. I dream with having my own family and one of the people I avoid dating are young moms because I cannot start the great family I want with them; and for me this is far more important than getting laid. Other guys who only care about getting laid will certainly have no problem with single moms. I am sorry, but this is the truth. Making bad decisions when young can make dating good people later on even harder.
I agree with you Pedro – looks can cause a lot of heartbreak. Looks are why I chose my ex-husband, who was a disaster, although I have two wonderful children who have managed to come through it quite well. I seem to go for looks or charm. My last boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because we “were so different”. But in those 4 years, my heart flipped if he just drove in my driveway. He was the love of my life. Now I have to go on trying to be happy with just me. I’m now 55 and looks are not going to work anymore. But better to be alone than to be unhappy with someone else.
thank you Pedro for your words. I am 32, but I have never been married or have kids because I followed my heart instead of compromising my needs and have just been laid off because I expressed a desire to have children once I marry. I am very happy to hear that there are men out there like you. Wishing you best of luck in your search.
This idea of settling has been weighing on my mind a lot lately but what Pedro said struck a chord with me because of the many conversations I’ve had with friends and family on the subject. I do agree that personality similarities and differences are immensely important when choosing a mate, but at the same time, physical attraction is also a very necessary part of any intimate relationship. Friends and family are always giving me a hard time when I say I’m not physically attracted to a woman as a basis for not wanting to date her, but when it comes down to it, you end up having to lie or change the subject when faced with responding to statements from your partner about how attractive they deem you to be when you don’t feel you’re on quite the same page. I guess my point is if the scale of physical attraction isn’t balanced then it makes it uncomfortable for all involved. No, physical attraction isn’t the only criteria one should use when choosing whom to date, but I don’t believe it should be overlooked or put at the bottom of the list either.
Thanks, Paul, for bringing looks into the equation. My ex-wife was a sexy 5-0, 95 pounds when we got married. After 3 kids and 10 years she ended up weighing 200 pounds. For the first 40 pounds, I never said a word. When she got up around 150, I tried suggesting to her in a loving, caring way that maybe her weight was affecting her health and maybe she should try exercising and more nutritious meal choices. I was even careful not to use the word “diet.” Finally, when she hit 200, she wondered why I no longer wanted to make love to her any more. When I told her I was not longer attracted to her, she vilified me for being “shallow” and she insisted that I should love her “for who she was inside.” Look. It’s not like she gained an extra 20 or 30 pounds and suddenly I found her undesirable. I wasn’t asking for perfection — just someone with an average BMI. Finally, I figured life was too short to waste being unhappy. I wanted someone I could carry over the threshold, not someone I’d have to drag through a doorway on a dolly. Was I being unreasonable?
At the time of meeting Mr. wrong, I was a single parent and a hard worker. I knew he wasn’t right on the first phone call! My cell was dieing and needed to switch to the house ph, he was so into his self he didn’t hear me say hold on. As i called he answered as I said “hey it’s me” he said he was talking to his grandfather. I stayed though for six dysfunctional years, and we have a three yr old. Ladies PLEASE DON’T SETTLE, even though we are just friends now I’m reminded everyday we talk what a mess I made!!
I lost my husband 4 years ago,it was sudden, tragic, and he died way too young.I had just turned 40 when I lost him and he was 44, we were together since I was 16 and we have 3 children. I met a man last year, but my heart’s not in it. He can be controlling, opinionated, and he drives me out of my mind.I’m not attracted to him at this point, but he tells me that he loves me all the time. I’m moving across the country next week, and he can’t go because he’s not allowed to leave the state we’re in now until December. I don’t want to be with him, but I know he’ll be extremely hurt, he’ll cry to me all the time, and I don’t know if he’s capable of doing something scary. I never thought that this would ever be my life and I just don’t know how to handle the situation I’m in now..I want to be with someone I love..or I’d rather be alone! Help!!
Jill, don’t allow fear to make you feel powerless. You are not and should not be responsible for someone else’s actions. Believe in yourself and trust yourself enough to do what is right for you.
Jill, do you think your healed in 4 short years?? you lost your heart, a part of you for your whole life. please take the time to heal for you and your children. read the post under Vivica, i posted yesterday at 11:13am about healing. At this point its best for you to be alone, taking the time to heal, without taking the time your setting yourself up for more pain. I know its hard to be alone, process the pain, and to start over but it get easier. until you heal you’ll be attracting men just like this but with a different name and face. Its best not to worry about what he does except to stay out of your life – you had nothing good to say about him except your sorry for him. thats not a reason to hang on to anyone. you said he’s a mix of controlling and possible scary – that usually ends up as murder/suicide. I’m a surviver of this type of situation and lost 4 friends this way also. just last month I had another friend I was able to warn about a girl he was dating only for 6 weeks that was planning on a murder/suicide because he ended it. we intervened in time, with the counsel of never being alone, don’t upset, and got her some help. remember whatever he does with his life is his choice, its not your responsibility or do you have any control over it – except to never be alone with him. anytime call the police for any type of threat or concern. the police would rather help in assisting in a potential harm rather than picking up a body bag. I know this is graphic, but you have all the red flags that turn that way. get him out of your life and tell your support friends (groups) about him being controlling and scary, and if you talk to him again suggest he gets some help. After your healed you’ll be able to love again, giving the respect and admiration that a man needs to be able to love his wife. And you’ll teach your 3 children how to choose healthy relationships, just by your actions. I hope you had a great mothers day!!
Run, Jill, RUN!
This move sounds like the perfect opportunity to cut ties with this guy.
You are not responsible for his lack of emotional health. Don’t let his attempt to control & manipulate you lead you to do the opposite of what your heart is telling you.
Listen to that Voice inside you!
Jill, You are a strong, confident, beautiful woman & nurturing mother- don’t think otherwise!
You are better ALONE being the woman & parent you are made to be than with a man who will just make you & your kids MISERABLE & your life a MESS!
Take heart!
Blessings!
-Lizzie
I have been in a relationship? for 2 years. Not once have I heard how he feels about me. The other day he informed me I was a companion. Talk about a kick in the gut. I now realize my feelings of one person in this relationship were ringing true.
Jill Patella: you have to do what is best for you and your kids. don’t stay with someone just because they love you. you have to love him back and from reading your post, it’s pretty clear that you’re really not that into him. you’re not responsible for his actions, just make sure you are clear with him about your intentions and don’t lead him on or give him false hope. leave with a clear conscience.
I read the article and I believe it was trying to provide reasons for our minds to stop opposing our inner voice. I’ve been in a situation when the inner voice cried out loud “no, please, not him!”, but the mind was listing all the positive qualities that man had and how “compatible” we were. Once, I listened to my mind and it turned out to have been a mistake later. Long story short, ladies and gentleman, listen to your inner voice: it knows what’s best for you…
So many of these articles appear just when I need to read them. I definitely do not think you should settle. All of the points made by the author are probably very valid. As long as you are really focusing on the important values that a person must possess, I think you should go for what you want if you do not want to be divorced (again!!!).
I wish I could agree with everyone about this being a great article but I cannot. For a woman in her late thirties, who absolutely wants children but has no boyfriend and no money to freeze her eggs, I cannot help but wonder if settling is really not such a bad thing. I read many of the comments from those who say they settled and the one positive outcome from settling was getting the children. So is the joy of parenthood worth the awfulness of settling with the wrong one? What if the wrong one is all wrong for you but would make an excellent parent? The reality is that we will all get old and we will need someone. I would very much like to hear from those who settled and do not regret it. That would have been a good question to end this article with!!
@someone, I can definitely feel you. I was with this guy for over 10 years, and just felt that if I married him I would be settling. Now I can honestly say that I regret, since I just turned 42 and have no kids. He may not have been the right one for me, I think the joy of having kids would definitely be worth sacrificing my happinness. At least everyone here can talk about the kids being the only good thing to come out of these relationships. I know in my heart I would be a good parent and would sacrifice ALL if only I could have a baby.
Someone;
I hear your loneliness & pain & desire for a child.
But, isn’t being a parent alone by adoption or AI (sperm is cheaper than freezing eggs) better for you and any children than experiencing the bitter loneliness of being with someone you aren’t supposed to be with?!
Being lonely ALONE isn’t the worst thing…
being WITH someone while feeling disconnected & intensely ALONE is worse.
So many of the posters describe this.
Life is too short. don’t sacrifice yourself.
Blessings!
-Lizzie
It was brave to write this. I think many people have unrealistic expectations and would be happier with less than they realize. I, too, would have enjoyed hearing from people who “settled.” Check out the book, “Marry Him.” Highly recommend it.
Are you kidding me? I was in your spot….only, I was approaching 30 and was trying to stick to my “schedule”. Trust me, nothing is joyful about having to split the holidays down the middle with a co-parent after you get divorced. And that’s if it is amicable. Better to just get knocked up and settle for going it alone….skip the drama and the cost of a divorce from your sperm donor….but I reckon this would be the wrong website for that.
I know this sounds hollow, but wait for the right one. I finally went back to dating a guy I passed up out of “pride” and he was the perfect guy for me. Sure, having been through a terrible divorce with the wrong guy taught me to appreciate and discover the really important things to have in a relationship, so I don’t regret learning that lesson the hard way, but when you are with the right one, things are easy peasy lemon cheesy. Trust me, the right one is well worth the wait!!!
Hind sight is 20/20 if we take the time to look back and see what there is to be learned from the past. I definitely settled, but couldn’t see it at the time. He put on a really good show.
there are way worse things in life than being single and “alone”. I’ve been single over a year now and I much prefer it to being in a marriage where I was miserable and having to work my tail off to make it work and listen to all his complaints and criticisms, etc. long story, but anyway, I prefer single over dysfunctional, unstatisfying, draining, demoralizing, mediocre relationship on any given Sunday.
cban – the first year of being single is such a weight off your shoulders after a dysfunctional relationship. But after a couple of years you start to feel like something is missing.
To Someone – I knew I was settling when I married my ex. I was 35 and did not want to get back out on the dating scene so I convinced myself he was the right man even though the red flags were waving. We did have two children but when he started to treat them the way he treated me, I just couldn’t stay with him anymore. My children will have many scars from this and I am lucky they are doing as well as they are. I am definitely glad I have them as I grow older but the 17 years plus of a bad relationship has worn me down.
I kind of agree with telly. If you want kids, get knocked up, don’t settle. Or adopt. There’s an option. I think settling hurts everyone in the long run, including the kids.
I recently broke up with a man who I was, and still am, in love with. Even though it was painful and difficult, I know that staying with him would have left me continuing to to feel frustrated and unloved. Instead of dwelling on the loss, I am focusing on his qualities that made me adore him, and hope to find those same traits in a man who is ready to move on and have a whole relationship.
If someone feels they are “settling” then they shouldn’t be there in the first place.
I don’t think that there is any such thing as a perfect person or person relationship…
compromises will have to be made at some point…that’s what a relationship is. Of course noone should stay in an abusive situation,and you might not see that until you’re in it for awhile…. but if you are really “ready” for a relationship and know what you want from the start I don’t think you would end up being in a situation that makes you feel you are settling…if you put yourself in that position you will end up not only hurting yourself, but hurting the other person and will make it seem like it’s their fault.. but ultimately it means that you were the one who didn’t really know what you wanted or didn’t want.
Well, I was with a guy for 9 months we had our issues, then he proposed, but the way it was done was very reactionary to him not wanting to get dumped it felt like & that this was the only way to keep me, because he knew I’d not stay with a guy for years, if there was no future (no thanks I am smarter than that).I was put on the spot & accepted but we had issues before & after the proposal, I know I had a lot of growing up to do & he was my first man I had ever been with at 35 (yes you all I waited that long with no regrets, I am completely non-religious, I did it for me & I am so glad I did) because yes my first guy went to become my fiance, due to different values & upbringing and some red flags, I decided this was not the man for me to marry, however what a great experience it was to learn about myself; it was very hard at first to throw away a potential marriage/family, but you know what ladies, putting my self-respect first WAS ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do. I then went on take a trip on my own & men were approaching me left & right even in my post-trauma break up state. Now absolutely know that no matter what I can trust myself to be OK with or without a man, and that freed me to wait for the right man, I have dated non-stop since then, and now finally feel ready to welcome Mr. Right not Mr. Wrong or Mr. Maybe into my life.I know I will make a damn wonderful wife & mother & set a great example for any children & especially girls that I will have. I still believe in true love&have grown so much.I hope none of you man or woman ever settle when it comes to your must haves & I am not talking about looks here, I am talking about a man (not a boy) who will treat you like the valuable woman that you are; you deserve to be treated like a precious, gentle creature, not used for sex, money & waste your time on losers, stand up for yourself, bad boys=men with low-esteem & very screwed up mental attitudes will never make you happy,Go for a great quality guy who knows the value of a woman that will become his wife and the mother of his children, and let the boys go play until they grow up at 40,50,or 80, who really cares, focus on the One (and there are great men out there) who are worth your time & energy & for Gods sake don’t have sex for a while…he can get that anywhere, if you don’t wait to get to know him & wait until you are in a serious committed relationship, don’t fall for the I love yous & you are the one etc, and all that, actions speak louder…don’t listen to words, it frustrates the hell out of me to see so many friends & other women these days that think it’s “freedom” to sleep with a man & be equal to him;it’s not equality it’s called stupidity to give yourself, your body, your soul away to someone you hardly know as a woman, you secrete hormones that attach you to him & then even if he is the devil you won’t be able to distinguish it because you are drugged, so you need to know someone really really well & be in a serious monogamous relationship before even going there…I am honestly saying this to all women because I hate to see so many of you waste your lives away…I am saying it from the bottom of my heart, I have nothing to gain from it, and if I wake up one woman & save her from wasting her youth & life & body on men that don’t deserve you, my job is done…Good luck I wish you all Great men & women all the love in the world and the best relationships that will make you grow and become all that you can be…and for that ladies, men need strong men or where are we headed?
sorry I meant to type in the last sentence above, Men need strong women or where would we be?
we are so…..WORTH IT!!!!!
life is to…short!
Great power points. yes, to look with in and look at our
Fear of being alone and settling for {What I thought was
my security} Now, I embrace the fear of being alone.
Its been 3yrs. and IAM happy and look forward to meet
a like minded prince charming!lol
I too settled for the wrong one for all the wrong reasons. I was young, insecure, afraid of being alone, wanting so much to be wanted/needed. I also didn’t have a clear understanding of what I was looking for in a relationship only that I wanted to be in one. The marriage was based on very little commonality but never easy to walk away especially after 2 children. It became hostile, agressive and abusive. I was often so depressed, feeling hopeless and I didn’t care about my life any more. But my kids finally brought me to my senses and I got out. It will take a lot to rebuild my trust in a relationship but I know I will never settle again.
I settled and married young to someone who is not a bad person but does not possess all the characteristics I find essential. In my youth I made a decision that has affected my whole life. It hasn’t been an awful situation like some of these people describe but I have certainly felt unfulfilled. And I’ve since met someone who is everything I’ve always wanted in a mate but I’m not free to pursue my happiness. I know people divorce at the drop of a hat but I have been wrestling with how I could end a marriage with a decent woman who I’ve been with for years but just is not the right one for me. Meanwhile, the woman of my dreams right under my nose and I can never build the life with her I was meant to have. I feel like I’m living a lie. Do I continue to live an empty existence or shatter lives to pursue my happiness? I wish I’d had this advice years ago.
Rosa – Wow, thanks for that.
Charles – Be careful. The grass is always greener. Weigh the pros and cons. I think what you are going through is why so many people have affairs. They see this wonderful and exciting opportunity of true love. They go on to mess up their lives and then that new found love is no longer there for them. I think the wisest advice is to learn to be happy with yourself first – don’t jump from one relationship into another. You can’t figure out what is in your head if it’s clouded with love, lust and longing. If you are going to divorce, do it for you, not for someone else.
My boyfriend is such a wonderful guy who loves to spoil me with breakfast in bed and surprise trips to Disneyland. And yet from the beginning I have had the nagging feeling that something is missing and he wasnt the the one. I felt like he didnt measure up to a previous relationship in terms because our emotional and spiritual compatibility. He would make an incredible father and I know we would both want kids. And yet I am 24 and feel like I have the luxury of time if I choose to keep looking for the level of satisfaction in terms of the emotional connection and compatibility that i want. But what if the grass is always greener on the other side?
I’m reading all the comments and comforted by many of them. I have been with my husband for nearly 16 years (coming up on our 10 year wedding anniversary). From the moment I met him, I knew he was everything mamma told me not to deal with. But then being young, overweight, and very low self-esteem, I settled…so much so, that we’ve had the verbal, mental, and physical abuse, drugs, alcoholism, and adultery….need I go on. True enough those issues are long gone due to ultimatums, yet countless regrets and 2 beautiful children later, there’s not a day I wake up wondering what my life would be like had I just walked away when he approached me!!!
Now in my mid-30′s, my outlook on life, ambitions, expectations, and passions are very different! Currently, I own 2 businesses, have lost the weight, and turn heads on a daily basis (a woman always wants to know she’s still got it) – yet I appreciate my inner beauty more! With confidence, grace, sophistication, and much pride, I find myself envisioning myself with my ‘dream guy’ – often! So, what keeps me in the marriage? My kids? Finances? Fear? Ironically, none of the above! As a Christian, I feel trapped in this miserable marriage due to Matthew 19:9…”I tell you, if anyone divorces (his wife) except for adultery, and marries another, he’s living in adultery.” His affair was 8 years ago and I forgave him a long time ago, so I cannot honestly say that’s my motive for divorce – My desire for divorce is purely misery. I feel like the last person on earth who is a firm believer in my vows to God I made on that sacred day.
I have more fear of not being right with God – afterall, I got myself in this mess. Then again, I had 2 wonderful children…so was this REALLY a mistake being that God has a purpose for them?? I recently used the analogy of someone committing a crime when they are young and ending up serving a life sentence due to the choices they made. They may be the extreme, but we always get ourselves into situations that we knew we should’ve been wise enough to avoid. So, I guess I stay in my bed that I’ve made. Yet, constantly wonder if that’s the right decision. Ever wonder why God doesn’t burn that bush anymore?? Would love a quick and dirty, “This is what you are to do, my child”! I’m done rambling, but one can hope….
First I just want to say that I respect your beliefs and commend you for them. I think that you have worked on yourself enough recently to know you are not happy, and in fact miserable.
Sooo with that being said…Do you believe that GOD would punish you like this, that he would condone a loveless marriage? It seems that to me that the fact you still need to bring up the adultery is that you may have forgiven but not forgotten.
If there is a GOD, I don’t think he would want this for anyone.
I just turned 50, am a widow (2 years), highly-educated, and have being able to really fine-tune 2 careers. Lead a busy Life … however, I am now searching for my next New Love of my Life, and/or, a travel partner.
The PROBLEM that I keep encountering is that there is a lot of Women on eH & other sites, that are either, still Playing Adolescent Games (like Quiet Observer noted – STILL Expecting a Man to completely do all the Initiating, Planning, maintain all contacts, planning dates, etc, as if SHE is still 20 years of age) or, after a couple of Failed marriages (with kids); are still Desiring to have their “White Knight on a White Horse” childhood FANTASY! WHY?
I mean if you are a Woman at age 40 and Above, with Children + a couple of Divorces under your belt, IMHO, I believe that You should be Above all this Shallowness, Game playing, and Stop living in some Fantasy World!
Now, you can stop Wondering WHY some Men
start dating Women outside their local Pool or borders … because, It’s BORING & Tiresome, and I just don’t have the Time to Waste on you, princess! You Feel Me?
After my divorce, I settled for a boyfriend who was not right for me for a whole year. I settled because he was nice and I did not think that he would cheat on me. My Xhusband was cheating on me. Although being nice and not cheating are important, relationships are much more complex. I finally started listening to my heart instead of my head and broke up with this guy. I never missed him and was happy for him when I found out that he was with someone else.
I also settled for another boyfriend for about 6 months while going through a job loss. He’s a great guy and really helped me but was not right for me at all. He wanted to marry me and I could be retired, but I would not have been happy. Think about how unhappy Princess Diana was. Life is too short to not be happy.
Bryan,
I’m quite like you are only a bit further down the road in life than you are. My second marriage ended in 1998 and I’ve been single ever since, all the while looking for that “special someone”.
I think my expectations have been realistic. Yet, I am unable to find any women who meet them. Basically, I’ve been looking for a woman who has at least a bachelor degree (I’m a bit beyond that level), who is physically fit and enjoys staying fit (I’m a personal trainer on the side), and who is past the baby-making stage of life (as am I). Seems fairly basic to me.
Living alone as long as I have has no doubt impacted how I relate. No longer have a need or compulsion to come home from work and “share about my day” that’s for sure. Do as I want when I want.
Figuring if I haven’t found the woman I’m looking for after this much time, I am likely not ever going to. So, in a manner of speaking, I chose to drop the expectation she have at least a bachelor degree and would accept someone with at least a high school diploma but could still talk intelligently.
It was not long before I met a woman whom I am very interested in (and she in me). We are talking about marriage.
I spent the last 12 years living alone. That is 12 years of my life I will never have to share with someone. I only hope I will not spend another 12 or so years living alone.
Website advice goes only so far in the face of reality.
Your post about settling for someone who isn’t right for you: I thought it was very good advise, especially the part about energy wasted and your own energy taking a downturn when stuck in that kind of limbo,then u have no energy to give or receive from the right person. Thnx, cause I needed a clearer perspective on this.
What to think….I used to have a very romantic, idealistic, “no settling” view on relationships but being now in my mid thirties with no ltr under my belt, and the still hopeful goal of having biological children the old fashioned way(no AI for me, due to my belief system), I’m starting to view things differently. I met someone on EH earlier this year and after a couple months of whirlwind romance I cut things off, because of my aforementioned “no settling” policy – the main barriers being that I didn’t find him super attractive (although oddly enough, from a physical intimacy standpoint, things turned out to be great!), and, more importantly, that he didn’t “raise my game” intellectually (which sounds horribly snobbish but, having a masters level education and evolving in similar circles all my life, I guess I have always imagined myself with a guy who was smarter/quicker than me – I find subtle wit and strategic vision to be total turn-ons! ). HOWEVER, hanging out as friends now, I have come to realize what an incredibly beautiful heart this man has, how honorable and how devoted he is to those he cares about, how determined he is to improve himself and follow his dreams. Not to mention the fact that we have very compatible values and life goals, and he would make an amazing dad (he already raised two step-kids from a previous relationship). I don’t get butterflies each time I see him, but my feelings have started to shift into something I can only describe as love. Not the “sweaty palms and butterflies” type though – possibly a kindred spirit/soul type of thing. So, would this be settling? (Assuming he would even want to start again, of course) Argh……..
@StellaR, I believe it takes time apart to figure out how we really feel. It sounds like you do have feeling for this man.. can you picture your life w/o him? Or would you be willing to try and see where it goes? Either way, I’d say, sometimes, just sometimes, you got to give it a chance and then you can make the call on whether or not if you are settling!
I recommended it above and will do it again here – read Marry Him (The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough). Then re-evaluate. Good luck!
My situation is difficult. My husband is a good person that struggles with addiction (is currently in the process of recovery), self-hatred, low self-esteem, depression, lack of confidence and lack of libido.
I too have struggled with depression, and thought we were a good match because we could understand each other. My family’s opinion has always been very important to me, and they loved him. Although he shared about his alcohol and chewing tobacco addiction while we were dating, he definitely made it sound less serious than it was.
When we dated (about 2 and a half years), he had a fear of getting married, and in my own warped mind, made me want to marry him. Yet, I felt a sense of gloom in our relationship that was unpleasant and unsettling. We had moments of being broken up- the last time we were, I focused on my health and was very happy.
The day we got engaged, his demeanor was off and not happy. I thought about immediately breaking off the engagement, but was elated that he had finally asked me. I had also broken off a year-long engagement in the past and was embarrassed to have to break off another engagement.
We’ve been married now almost 4 years, and it’s been a rough road. I am miserable. He’s not interested in sex and says it isn’t me. But no matter how often I talk to him about it, he provides no solutions. Noncommittal is one of his character traits that I have come to know well. Although through recovery, I can see that changing already.
I know for a fact he isn’t cheating on me because he isn’t that kind of person. I do however feel that he has deep-seated issues that he needs to deal with.
But time is ticking, and I can’t see myself living in this marriage much longer. I have no JOY. I am emotionally and physically drained on a regular basis. I feel like the life is sucked out of me.
[side note: this feeling of not being my best started around the time of my broken engagement and meeting him (we met 6 months after my devastating broken engagement- where I just needed a day to myself to think, and my ex was not willing to give me that much without assuming things were over and moving forward with the "break up" while angrily blaming me for it and demanding his ring back- It ended on horrific, unexpected terms).]
Although I had my struggles with depression before meeting my husband, I feel as if it’s been worse with him. He is not capable of providing me with the emotional support I need. Although he hasn’t blatantly mistreated me; he does show passive aggressive tendencies, and has given me awful, mean looks for no reason, when we are just eating out at a restaurant, and I’m trying to be positive and have a good time.
Since he’s been in recovery, he seems happier and approaches me more positively, but is even less interested in sex; and does NOTHING and says NOTHING when he sees me upset, asks me what’s wrong, and I tell him. I’ve talked to him about scheduling sex; about having a plan of action; if it isn’t me, then seek counseling about it. But it just gets swept under the rug. And I get resentful, hurt, angry, and short with him. I’m losing my patience.
Just now, he came in to “my” room (I’m the only one who sleeps here on a regular basis; he prefers the couch- Quite frankly I prefer our sleeping arrangement like this now too, because he’s so cold and distant in bed; I’d rather not have him next to me.] He sees me crying; asks me what’s wrong, I tell him I’ve talked to him about it before- he knows what it is- gives me a kiss on the forehead and leaves.
What am I to do? I know I have my own issues to work on. I’m 34, want children (we currently don’t have any); and am tired of this sterile relationship. He talks to me as if everything is fine; expects me to be supportive of whatever he is going through- but I can’t count on him being “there” for me to meet my needs.
I used to have to work on Saturday mornings, when he was addicted to alcohol. He gave me the hardest time for it even though I explained that it was temporary; and we never did much on Saturday mornings anyways. Now, he goes to a recovery group at the same time in which I used to work. I wouldn’t naturally want to give him a hard time for it; but I’m tempted to to give him a taste of his own medicine.
I love him. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. I’m not happy. I have a high sexual drive; I’m very attracted to him- and am devastated by his lack of interest. At this time, we have not had satisfying sex in 6 months. In that time frame, he tried one time about a month ago, but he didn’t stay erect. I’ve told him there are other things we can do to satisfy one another. But he hasn’t tried other things within these 6 months either. My hands are in the air. I now understand why affairs happen and feel that if I were to have one, he’d only have himself to blame.
Yet, logically thinking- he has explained to me that the idea of not meeting my sexual needs only adds to his self-hatred, which makes him even less interested in sex. I feel sorry for him; but what am I supposed to do?
I don’t want to hurt his recovery process with talk of a divorce. But I feel like I am not getting any needs met. If our sex is bad now, I can’t imagine with children in the picture.
Part II Update
I confronted my husband again about the situation and asked him some questions that were advised in reading up on this on the internet. He admitted to using pornography and masturbation to satisfy his needs, as he’s been doing this on and off since he was 13.
I am utterly devastated. I know many men struggle with pornography. But he hid it very well. I would have never suspected it.
I’m not sure why people still view pornography as such a negative thing. As he said, he uses it as stimulation on and off since he was 13; long before he met you. It sounds like his use of it is a result of a problem he has with himself, not one he has with you.
Pornography offers him a disconnected way of dealing with his own sexual frustration, without having to deal with intimacy, which clearly seems to be the real issue he is having. An issue has has NO clue how to deal with.
Although some men and women do indeed have addictions to pornography, to think the average man doesn’t look at it on a semi regular basis is rather naive. Almost everyone masturbates or has done so at some point in their lifetime.
I hope you two consider couples therapy to see if it can help repair the problems. There is no shame in admitting that help is needed, especially when there are some complex variables in the relationship, such as yours.
Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I want to clarify that masturbating is not what shocked me. It’s the fact that it’s replaced being with me completely that is so hurtful. Where I would much rather be with him than masturbate; apparently he’d much rather be with himself and some fantasy that’s not me. That hurts.
With regard to the pornography- he’s a very honest person; and I’m surprised at how long it took for the truth to come out. For 3 years, I’m thinking his sex drive is gone; and now all of a sudden I must deal with the reality that his sex drive is alive and well (sometimes masturbating every day); but not with me. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
In reading up on this, I came across the book “Every Man’s Battle”. I ordered it for me to understand things better. In conversation, he tells me a friend mentioned it to him and he was going to order it. When I told him I ordered it; he decided he’d just read mine. I gave it to him 2 weeks ago. He hasn’t read it yet. He hasn’t picked it up.
I’m open to couples therapy; but when he won’t even pick up a book that might help- it makes me want to throw in the towel. I can’t be the only one “working” on us, for us. He’s initiated a Christian couples retreat thing for us this weekend. I’ll participate fully cooperating with him on it- but why can’t he participate in something important to me? (reading the book). It needs to be a two-way street.