Imagine if you will an amazing first date. You’ve spent 5 hours together and the conversation has flowed effortlessly. You planned to just meet for late afternoon coffee, but the evening just took off. You went to dinner, and now you’re taking a stroll through a beautiful green park on a warm spring night. Before you know it, you’re arm in arm and laughing together. Wow, you haven’t felt this way in a long time. You stop to catch your breath. Your date leans over without a word to give you a kiss, and you…
Put your hand up and say, “Hey, I’m sorry. I never kiss on the first date.”
Really? Would you derail a night of romance and connection with a policy like this? I know some people, and yes it’s mostly women, just have a life policy of NO FIRST DATE KISSES. No matter what! It seems a little odd to me, and so I’m interested in hearing from you. Why? Are you worried that a kiss will lead to a premature act of intimacy? Are you afraid of giving the wrong impression? (Like perhaps that you enjoy kissing) What is it about a romantic smooch that makes you adopt such a hard line?
I would REALLY love to hear from a man who has such a policy.
And if you happen to be on a date with someone who says such a thing how does that affect your attraction? Do you just move on with the knowledge that a second date is around the corner? I know a man who went a date with a woman who told him, “I’ve had a great time tonight. I just won’t kiss you on the first date.” He said, “Okay, Have a nice evening. I’ll call you.” He drove away from the restaurant, immediately called her on his mobile phone, and said, “Are you free tonight?” He drove around the block picked her up, said, “Happy 2nd date!” and she happily kissed him. Is that cheating?
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I just married my eHarmony guy two weeks ago! Yippee! I had a no kiss on first date policy because my four-year old daughter equates it with marrying (Disney princesses only kiss when they marry) and she had already told me she’d be checking my lips when I got home.
He, though, had a no kiss until THIRD DATE policy. It was cute when he kissed me on the second cuz he couldn’t help himself, and then audibly chided himself for doing so. lol
It doesn’t have to be a kiss on the lips, a goodnight kiss on the cheek should be ok.
I guess a kiss on the cheek would be okay. I tend to equate a kiss on the lips with a more serious relationship, and I don’t give my heart away easily, so I would definitely be more hesitant with a lip kiss.
This is just so sweet! Congratulations on your marriage. Your daughter sounds absolutely adorable.
I think the flow determines the go
I agree.
I am trying very hard not to box myself into unnecessary corners. I have kissed on the first date and I have not. I think it depends on the ‘atmosphere,’ what type of kiss, and what your instincts tell you.
Funny story: I was so reserved when I kissed during my second date that I was told ‘you may need more practise.’ That comment was quickly forgotten by dates 3, 4, etc…..
Ouch. I don’t know if I would have had dates 3, or 4 after that. The ego can only stand so much. You’re obviously more secure and more forgiving.
good things will come to those who wait !K
Being in the moment is the best when you have a connection. However, if I was going to go for it, I would not be reserved about it.
After just one date, you’re still strangers. It seems strange to be sharing saliva with someone you hardly know.
Go with how it flows for you.
I agree with this completely. To me, a kiss implies more than friends. I like to know someone a little bit first.
I wholeheartedly agree, Chang.
If the date was going along as wonderfully as described I might indulge in the kiss. However, I would never do it lightly. I guess I’m really old-fashioned and I wouldn’t want him to think I’m that “easy”, desperate nor “open” to let just anyone put their mouth on mine. Sorry, I am very private and selective and I feel any intimacy should be reserved for very special and exclusive persons, even if it is just a kiss. Also if it did turn into something more lasting I wouldn’t want him to wonder if I has gone around just kissing strangers left and right.
Go with how you feel. If you are not “easy”, desperate, nor “open”, do you need to prove that to him? I would venture to say if you have chemistry with someone and things do develop, he will get to know how you truly are.
I so agree with Moon. Intimacy, even a kiss, is special. If you let just anyone in, it makes it less special (the act and meaning of it) – which is why, I wait until it’s right and I feel connected before I kiss. If he’s kissing me on a first date, he’s kissing others on a first date – I prefer to stand out and waiting until I see true character before indulging. Hello…people have herpes…hpv…communicable diseases abound at ports of entry.
I couldn’t agree more, MoonGoddess. I, too, am very old-fashioned about relationships and am having a bit of difficulty being single again with the new modes of society. Don’t plan on changing with the times in that way, though.
I agree! Being back in the dating pool after a 25 year hiatus is very scary for me. I also have a very highly developed personal space bubble. We women have so much to lose while in the dating scene. I still feel it is better to wait and be cautious. Safety first! If he is into you he will come around again…at least that is what I have heard. Like another said …”good things come to those who wait”
Just as we are individuals, our relationships must be treated individually as well. I understand women often need to go slowly and us guys don’t want to. When I have wanted to go slow, I later realized I wasn’t that attracted in the first place. You tend to project your feelings on others and men might just asume your not attracted if you are moving artificially slowly.
Go with how you feel. As long as you are being authentic, it serves.
Hi.. I actually have more to the kissing question… What if you are still going on dates with other people, and it is NOT an exclusive relationship, yet?? Then do people still kiss after the date, and then go kiss the next date as well?? This might sound like a naive question, but I would love to hear other people’s responses to it. It does not have to be just the first date, but say even the second date with the other dates…
Thank-you!! So far,
Kissless in MN
Going on dates with others do not ban you from kissing anyone. Kiss when you are moved to. No need to justify. Don’t do it out of pressure and be genuine.
I think it depends on the person. I’ve never been comfortable kissing more than one person in my life at a time.
Well, first of all I wouldn’t be dating that many people at one time. They would be considered friends and I wouldn’t be kissing them all. When I date, it is only one person at a time. If a friend became a date, out of respect, I would only be dating him. So kissing then doesn’t become a problem.
well dating is Dating,
you don’t turn exclusive the first date, mind you that is why you keep your self until you are sure your date is Mr right or so you though it was..
Why don’t people just relax and be ‘themselves’. If it feels right to you then do it. eh is all about finding your soulmate/lifemate. If you can’t be honest about who you are then what’s the point?
So hear you sister!
If I’m also feeling the chemistry and a woman tried to kiss me I wouldn’t stop her or think any less of her, but I personally won’t initiate a kiss until we’re dating exclusively (or I’m at the point of asking her).
I normally do not kiss a man on the fist date because we just met and I am just getting to know him. I kiss on second dates. However, there are times that I would make an exception if I felt that there was a great connection. If I went on a first date and talked with someone for 5 hours, as mentioned in the above article, and if the man wanted to kiss me, then I would kiss him.
Well, to be honest here…if I felt that there was chemistry on a first date, leaned in for a kiss and it was shied away from, I would assume that there was no mutual interest and to keep looking. Yes, I am male, and understand the intimacy which can accompany a first kiss, however, without some form of reciprocation, it seems as though mutual interest is not there, which is what signals to me like something should be pursued.
I feel it’s liberating to not have any rule. I like what Jane said: “relax and be yourselves”. If you are out to meet your beloved, it is more important than ever to be authentic and let your true light shine through.
Im a guy (really?) Before any first date, we have been texting and talking for at least a few days…getting all that deal breaking info out of the way. I love to kiss on the first date because some people kiss like St. Bernards…YUCK…lol…and that is a deal breaker. However, I have found overall that just a nice, sweet, hug to end the evening goes a long way to show a girl that you are not here just for sex. It’s worth the two cents.
OFGS, it’s 2011, not the 1950s! If a gal won’t allow a goodnite kiss on the 1st date the guy generally gets the message that she doesn’t want a 2nd date. So Miss Prude shouldn’t be too shocked if he never calls again. It’s a kiss, not sex d@mmit!
do not agree
I still think that old-fashioned mores are applicable, even in today’s society.
For me, it is about respect of the other person…
I understand we all have our own priority but if you want to build a relationship with someone, you should be respectful of their wants and needs.
I would not kiss on the first date, because it is all new and i take time to get to know person…
I have a ‘no kiss on the first date’ policy. I agree with Paul:
“When I have wanted to go slow, I later realized I wasn’t that attracted in the first place.”
I move slowly physically to allow my body time to catch up with my mind. I know it’s strange, but I tend to date guys to whom I am not immediately overwhelmingly physically attracted. However, I might be head-over-heels into their personalities. Maybe it’s my built in mechanism for making sure I’m actually interested in the guy as a whole package before being physically intimate. Maybe I think too much. Either way, it’s what I’m most comfortable with so if the guy doesn’t like it, then he’s probably not gonna like a lot of my other quirks.
And, for that matter, in the rare instances where I’ve said no to a guy who attempted a first-date kiss but continued to date him, the relationship didn’t get very far. I think that guys too often EXPECT the first-date kiss rather than FEEL for it. Some girls want it; some girls don’t. But, for the love of cookies, DO NOT ask her ‘why not?’!
I have a no first date kiss policy because I feel a certain responsibility to not only physically protect my partner, but to emotionally protect her as well-even from herself. Kissing gets couples buzzed and if you’re not yet certain if you want to commit to a relationship with a woman I don’t think it’s fair to rev either her engine or your own.
Trevor, Thank you for your considerate attitude! It’s really cool to hear about someone who’s looking out for his date.
agreed!
Trevor, I really appreciate your perspective. To me, it is the perspective of a true gentleman and, unfortunately, I don’t see much of that these days.
“I” think that on a first date, A woman/man should not be expected to kiss. After all you are there to get to know each other. Be patient, (U may like the person) I think people who are hung up on instant gratification may have the “me, me,me” syndrome. When you’re attracted to each other there is no need to indulge in physical clossness – waiting provides more excitement for the second date. I think if a man/woman feels the attraction he/she can wait for a kiss and not have a child tantrum and decide “I wont see her/him again because I didnt get a Kiss. Grow up little toddler!
If a date was going so well that I KNEW for a fact the connection was mutual and a woman turned away from my kiss, my attraction to her would instantly disappear, I mean, immediatly. I would move on to someone who is more easy going and flexible with her “rules”. She could be hard with someone else while I enjoy my time with someone who doesn’t have a wall up.
I had the rule of no kiss on the first date. Reason being after I had my first date and was saying goodbye she leaned over and gave me a kiss that lasted 15 mins. Next day I called her to ask for a 2nd date. She started talking about marriage and kids. WHOA!!!!!
Next lady I met I told her about my policy. She then mentioned we were on a Non-date then. End of the non date I kissed her. 1 week later I closed my profile. Note to all other Gents. Don’t make any rules…you might miss out on something spectacular!!!!
(No offense intended) But if you’re date is going well, and you feel that there’s a mutual connection. Why would the attraction instantly disappear? Sounds like it was purely physical and if that’s the case the girl is lucky not to get a call back. This is not abourt walls but self respect, why not be intrigued and go on a second date to get to know the person better? AH! Unless, this person is just looking for an easy & instant make me feel good date. This type probably has a load of frozen meals. Fast & Easy in their frige! A date is the start of a foundation! A foundation is only as strong as what its built on.
Right on, Lupe!
I ended up ruining a perfectly great evening with a man because I adopted this rule after reading it in some dumb dating book somewhere. I threw that rule, and the book, out the window after I never heard from him again.
On the other hand, my philosophy is that if such a small mistake led to our never meeting again, then it really wasn’t meant to be. When there truly is a strong connection between people, such mishaps on either person’s part will not deter the truly interested in giving it another go!
For instance, my current honey did not kiss me until the third date because I sent him mixed messages having just broke up with my ex, and yet, he still pursued!
I don’t want to confuse myself by “embedding” the burgeoning emotional connection in my body. It’s easier to think clearly by holding off on a kiss for several dates even. Also, the relationship should be an exclusive one before you kiss, I think, and that is not usually immediately defined. Of course, w/ the distance dating on eharmony and the infrequency of in person connection, the possibility of a first date kiss might be reconsidered. Personally, I have never kissed a man at all, not b/c I am frigid but b/c I’ve never dated one I seriously thought I might marry by the time he tried. I need to at least be thinking that is a likely direction before I add some “physical glue.”
Dating is the process of getting to know one another. I do have clients that have met online, spent the upfront time to get to know one another, talk on the phone and then meet. It’s like they know each other already. Then they have an amazing first date and spend a couple of hours together. If the chemistry is mutual, then a kiss may be appropriate. One does have to respect physical boundaries. You are still strangers and may need to see that there is continuity before feeling comfortable kissing. It’s about self preservation, not being a prude.
Kissing creates a physical bond. That’s fine if you are ready for that, but on a first date it’s unlikely that you know that much about him, no matter how much you have talked. It’s better to let the relationship develop emotionally than to put the physical part first.
Katya,
I agree with your philosophy, you are right on! When there is a true connection hardly anything stands in the way of the pursue. I think what gets us in trouble is our emotions as they can deceitful; so you have to ask yourself why do I like this person? Do they fill a void, are they a challenge or am I just plainly lonely right now. I’ve had girlfriends that find a guy a catch just because he has a good financial status. And convince themself to be in love? Let me tell you it doesn’t last long. Many of us spend more time researching what type of vehicle, or house we’re going to buy as opposed to someone whom we will be investing our time in. Deborah you make a lot of sense; yes once we’re emotionally connnected it’s extremely hard to pull away knowing that the person you’re with may not be the one. I had a male friend who was dating a beautiful brazilian girl and they lived together for a while but he knew he didnt’ want to marry her but he was so emotinally entangled he didn’t know how to get out. In his bittersweet favor, she left him for someone else.
Good luck girls I can tell you’re being wise about your relationships.
I’m surprised no one else has mentioned how delicious an “almost kiss goodnight” can be – doesn’t anyone appreciate a little tension and anticipation anymore?
Amber I do!
The anticipation is probably better than the kiss it self? (almost as good) You can’t wait to see him again, you start thinking of how good he smelled, picture his eyes n lips and you imagine how great your first kiss will be? Also, since you’re not quite sure if he likes you – you playback the conversation you had in your first dates and try to find clues.
It reminds me of a vacation: the planning is almost as exciting as the travel.
For the date you described, then ‘yes’ – a kiss would seem natural. Many first dates (most?) don’t go that well – and a kiss would not fit. So it really depends on the chemistry.
But to have a “policy” going into the situation. That would concern me. Why a “policy”? What’s wrong with deciding in the moment? If I learned it was a “policy” with my date, I would move on. There would be no date #2. As a “policy” it feels too much like a hang-up – baggage. I wouldn’t take the chance.
David, do you not see the irony in your statement? You have a policy to not date any woman who has a policy!
As for me, I’m not interested in guys who expect intimacy on the first few dates, and kissing IS intimate. Makes me wonder where his mouth has been lately! There are several STI’s transmissible by kissing, as well as a host of other oral infections. For example: the #1 cause of oral cancer is HPV.
I wouldn’t characterized waiting for a first kiss as a policy that sounds too corporate. I would say its like a “fun” and cautius game. You prompt yourself to leave the best for last and saver it as long as possible. But definitely not meant for all dates if there is no connection, my lips are sealed and probably no 2nd date. The anticipation I was refering to was more of wishful thinking if the date went really well.
I can see the reason for the no kiss on a first date policy. I personally don’t generally like kissing on the first date. However, if things are going really well and it’s obvious that we have really good chemistry then I’ll sometimes break the rule.
However, I do have a rule of no open mouth kissing on a first date. I think that’s a little too much.
I prefer a man to ask me if he can kiss me first. I think it shows that he respects me and that he’s not just making assumptions. I hate it when a guy leans in for a kiss and I have to say no.
I am dismayed to find articles of this nature on eharmony. A few weeks ago, I read an article encouraging women to accept texting as an integral part of the dating process. It is polite and logical to consider that a phone call is a better way for people to get to know each other. While I recognize there are men with a ‘no kiss on the first day’ policy, the author of this article comments that it is ‘mostly women’ who have this policy. What ever happened to courting? During the dating process, I hope to know somebody’s character before I move onto anything else. And, yes, that includes kissing. Why are we being asked to defend ourselves? Why are the people who expect kissing on the first date not being asked to explain themselves?? Perhaps because the author of this article is also the Senior Director of Content.
Marie,
I do appreciate your opinion and am thrilled that you would voice it here. I’m curious why you would be dismayed to see an article about such an important and interesting question. Clearly, as you see in these comments, there is a variety of opinion on the matter. Is it not a fair topic to discuss?
It seems to me that everyone who is posting here is explaining themselves, and the reasons why they hold the ideas that they do on both sides of the issue. That is the point of having comments on a blog.
Yes, this blog is from my perspective. That’s what blogs are. I’m interested in why a person would choose to make a life policy of never kissing a person on a first date. That’s the question at hand. You seem a bit put out at the idea that a person might choose to kiss someone that they’ve known for a few hours. I certainly wouldn’t do it on every date I’ve ever had, but there have been times when it seemed like the perfect choice…and it was.
Long and formal courtship has it’s advantages I suppose. But I’d be curious to hear what you think they are.
Finally, while it’s no sin to text someone,I’m not a fan. I’d like to see the eHarmony Advice article to which you refer promoting texting. I think it’s been terrible for dating and I would be surprised if eHarmony is “promoting” it as an important dating tool.
Thanks
Grant
I agree Grant that texting has been absolutely terrible for dating and marriage. Since communication is the key; texting is just one more way to back out of true communication.
So the first date no kissing policy: My belief is that kissing is so personal that it should not be shared with just any one. It should be reserved until you know if the person is a potential keeper and that may be many dates into the relationship. I personally make poor decisions on mates if I am intimate too quickly because that is the way I bond.
E-harmony posted an article referencing the male ego as fragile. While denying someone affection could easily be taken as rejection, this woman’s policy is for her own heart protection- not specifically because of this man. If the stereo type is true that sex is more physical for men and emotional for women, then it is not surprising that this man is confused about what the big deal is. For some women, kissing only once may involve her heart more than she deems wise for a first date. Perhaps it is difficult for her to only engage in a single kiss without going farther then she’d later deem wise at this stage. Perhaps it is much harder for her to remain objective or get out of the situation unscathed once she has engaged physically. For many a kiss is ‘just a kiss.’ However, a woman with this policy likely has it for good reason. How a person responds to another’s boundary demonstrates a level of respect- a true test of character. A man might even take it as a complement that this woman who does not give out to just anyone (though she clearly is drawn to him) chooses restraint because she wants the best chance for this budding relationship to develop into one that lasts a life time.
“How a person responds to another’s boundary demonstrates a level of respect- a true test of character”
Great point, V!
I really don’t have a policy. I think you just allow things to happen naturally. The man I am currently seeing kissed me on the first date and it was really great! I have no regrets at all!
If a guy I date for the first time tries to initiate a kiss on the first date, it somehow tells me he’s a bit impatient and don’t respect me enough to ask what I think about kissing on the first dates, or at all.
I’m “young” (in my 20′s), but I do like the idea of the old times chivalry and courting. You get to know a person without all the pressure then, and might see some sides you don’t get to see while just dating that can be crucial to know if this is the right guy or not.
If a guy told me he had a no kiss on the first dates policy, even though the date went really great, etc, I would respect it. That one say one don’t kiss on the first dates doesn’t mean one don’t want to, just that one protects one self a bit. Many people might not think over that you share a crucial part of yourself by kissing another on the mouth, it may even be harder to get over a person if he shows to be interested in someone else later.
I’ve experience enough on the side where the first dates turn into kissing, and the few meets I’ve had with guys that hasn’t seen the first time, it’s always better. You get time on your hand to think if he’s the one, or move further with someone else, without leaving them wondering because you kissed them.
I had been on a first date not to long ago and it went well. I do not usally kiss on a first date, do like to get to know someone better first.
However when we were leaving, I had a couple of Hershey Kisses in my jacket pocket and when I asked if I could give her a kiss, I was putting the kiss in her hand. She told me that she didn,t kiss on first dates, I motioned to her hand. She laughed at that and said she didn,t see that coming. We have a second date coming up.
In the scenario described in the narrative – 5 hours together, mutual physical, emotional and intellectual attraction (which is rare!) Yes, I’d kiss the guy on the first date. On a “typical” first date, tho, I don’t usually kiss. Typical meaning no real connection, no strong mutual chemistry, Obvious signs that this isn’t going to be a long-term match, I might accept a peck on the lips, and certainly a friendly peck on the cheek as a departing gesture. But I HATE it when a guy thinks it’s ok to plant a huge french kiss on me on a first date. That’s an invasive act, especially when he’s the only one feeling the chemistry. Guys need to let the woman have time to get comfortable with him and decide if she likes him first – If she likes him, then she will willingly kiss him. That doesn’t always happen on a first date.
I’m in total agreement Angelina. That’s why I asked about a “policy” of not kissing. We’ve all been on dates that didn’t deserve a kiss.
thanks
g
What if you kiss on the first date, and the date takes that as a hint you want sex on the first date? That’s presuming you don’t want sex on the first date. A nice date could end up in rape if the date refuses to stop or doesn’t want to stop. Stick by your principles if it really matters to you.
When I went on my first date with my fiance, he asked if he could have a kiss and I smiled and said “I don’t kiss on the first date” He took it pleasantly well and the truth is I did kiss on the first date but I was nervous and had butterflies but nearly 2 years later we’re still together and getting married.
These day a kiss without a full blown health certificate is playing Russian Roulette. Sorry ladies, but some of us are just as finicky (or more so)as you are. I’ve met some very “unusual” gals over the years, some of whom made ME quite uncomfortable, and THAT’s saying a lot!
Kissing is a biological way to find out if your compatible so why not get it over with. Kissing can make or break some relationships
I have been on dates where I didnot connect, and I did not kiss my date. Why send the wrong message. However, my lovely current partner and I did kiss each other on the cheek on our first date, and that date lasted for hours, talking and learning about each other. So I do believe that if there is a connection, and that chemistry word, we are adults, and know where this is going, why not indulge, and enjoy each other. You can’t stop what is a natural human instinct of loving each other…..
Thank you V,
I just loved the way you explained what’s behind the thinking of the many who don’t agree with first date kissing.
And yes it is true that “some” men do find it complimentary that you don’t give out to just anyone. At least that’s the experience I’ve gather from most of the few men I’ve dated. There was someone whom I didn’t kiss for 3 months and when I finally did he laughed because I didn’t have much experience but after a year he asked me to marry him. Later I dated someone else who didn’t believe in kissing before marriage so all I ever got from him was a peck and a proposal. Most of the gentlemen I’ve dated have been very patient. With the exception of a nut I dated only a few times he was a friend of a friend. He had a tantrum, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs after a dinner date because I refused to kiss him after our 3rd date (but I wasn’t comfortable with him yet)? He said there was definitely a problem with me he had done all the right things… flowers, nice dinner; he said usually his dates gave him more than a kiss by now. He drove really fast all the way to my home I was really scared. Later he to apologize, I refused to go out again. Needless to say he scared me straight I didn’t go out on a date for a very long time.
I usually don’t kiss or any act of intimacy does not take place until the person has been medically screened. It is best to wait for those who really are worth it!!
Perhaps Im a little out of date, but I will say it anyway, I personnally wait until she makes the effort for a kiss. In this manner I dont crowd or rush anything. This however should be communicated before she gets frustrated. I feel that a relationship is like making wine….time…patience…and the right mixture……………I personallly dont like the smell of viniger. g
I need to really get to know the guy and be friends first. If he isn’t OK with this, I can assume (1) my wishes aren’t important to him and (2) his top priorty is a physical relationship.
I really liked reading all the diferent comments. My little story. I had dinner with a woman that I knew from school 20 years earler. I met her at my 20yr reunion. She is beatiful, educated, succesful and outgoing. We had great conversation and an all around awesome time. I definately felt we had a lot in common. When we were saying goodby, I asked “can I give you a kiss”? (On a first date I always ask. Always just a smooch, nothing more). She smiled and said Yes! When I leaned forward she turned her cheek to me. (not what I was aiming for) I kissed her cheek and thanked her for having dinner. She texted me about 5 minutes later to say she had a great time. I realy didn’t know what to make of it. I was still trying to get up from being knocked of my horse. We kept in touch and are now good friends and talk often. I’ve never mentioned that night. I think I would have rather her said she does not kiss on the first date or that she didn’t want to go in that direction. I left feeling totally foolish.
On occasion (obviously not apparent in this particular venue), there will be those who refrain from kissing on a first date due to religious convictions. Depending on one’s beliefs, the kissing may not take place until long after the relationship is under way, perhaps until marriage. While many people in the Western culture would think this odd, it’s highly surprising it does not even occur to either the author of this article nor any of the respondents prior to this entry.
Thank you, Keren…thank you.
Precisely! Not kissing has nothing to do with the number of dates and everything to do with the fact that such a gesture should be reserved for someone you feel has great potential to be the one you kiss for the rest of your life. It’s about being patient and waiting on God’s timing. In addition, the reason women may have this “rule” more than men is because women tend to attach more emotion to physical intimacy than men. To a man, a kiss is probably just a kiss, but to a woman, she’s more likely to give her heart away in that moment.
My view is this:No matter how good the date, homeboy is still a stranger. Yes, we’ve had many conversations prior to the date and it SEEMS like we know each other, but we really don’t. It’s sounds romantic to let yourself get swept away in the moment, but you should be thinking with your head. Personally, I would be turned off if a first date tried to kiss me.
I agree with you 100%!!! It’s so strange but the person you think you know so well those first few hours was (and still is) a total stranger just a few hours ago!
This situation happened to me last night. I met up with a guy I’d been emailing with for a few weeks and we had a good evening and then when we said goodbye, I was just going to give him a hug and it ended up in kind of a wrestle and he was trying to kiss me. I actually had to let go, back away and say: sorry, don’t kiss on a first date. He actually was like: “Why?” Some people might say I’m being ridiculous, but I do think the whole online dating thing creates this false sense of closeness.
The last 3 times I’ve met people in person, there are these expectations that weren’t there when I just dated people I met through friends. To me, the whole situation last night felt like an instant relationship and I don’t think I’m comfortable with that. He came across as desperate and really, he doesn’t know THAT much about me. It was just a major turnoff. I’m not a monster, damaged or high maintenance. I didn’t kiss my last boyfriend on our first date either, and I think it was a good thing.
I am being cautious and slow about this process. I’m looking for a life partner, not another friend.
It’s pretty obvious if there is chemistry. That doesn’t mean I will or will not kiss on the first date, if I do it’s just a smooch.
I need time later to recall who this person really was. There is a difference between chemistry and true compatability.
A kiss on the first date. Yeah why not. It’s good to know if he is a good kisser. Important to me. Just cause you kiss someone doesn’t mean your going to necessarily get serious. Just means you liked them. I don’t believe in premarital sex. That’s probably the mistake I made with my ex of 34 years. I didn’t think things thru. I do have 3 wonderful, successful children, so it wasn’t all bad.
HSV 1 or 2.
No cold sores doesn’t mean no viral shed, and I doubt most people discuss this on a first date.
As a microbiologist, I can’t tell you how glad I am that someone else shares my concerns!
“no first date kiss” rule makes about as much sense as the “third date sex” rule. When the time is right, the time is right. Throw these stupid rules out, and if the situation warrants, TAKE THE RISK. How many potential relationships never happened because one party didn’t want to take a chance? A kiss is a kiss, not a lifelong commitment.
Besides, there are kisses, and then there are kisses. A quick good night kiss is a nice way to end a good date. It gives you both something to think about (and the little endorphin rush is nice, too). If you don’t feel comfortable with this, a good-night hug at least leaves open future possibilities. If there is an instant passionate connection, a real makeout session (or more) is OK, if that is what makes you happy. Will it work out in the end? Who knows? But in my eye, it’s always better to take the chance and live life, than try and over protect yourself. It’s honest and real, and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, there are no obligations to go further than you feel comfortable (remember, we threw the rules out); and taking it slow is ok if that is what feels right.
Personally, I expect some physical contact on a first date; even if it is nothing more than holding hands or a hug or something. Without, I feel my enthusiasm drop, as it is hard to be interested about someone who doesn’t seem interested in return. For just conversation, I have more friends than I know what to do with. I’m looking for something more. And time is too precious to spend wooing a girl who doesn’t seem interested in being wooed.
If I kissed everybody that I wanted to kiss….I associate kissing with sexuality, and not dating.
Thats right
I agree! If you feel its right than its right! I personally am a huger. I hug everyone when i meet them and when i say goodbye. Why do i need to change because of these “social rules”?
Be yourself and stop with making/following these unwritten rules!
I’m one of the guys who has a no first date kiss policy, but not because I’m a prude or afraid of viral shed.
Quite by accident, I discovered after one first date without attempting to kiss my date more intimately than on the cheek, her insecurity made her more interested in having a second date! I found out that she was so surprised I didn’t kiss her, she thought I found her unattractive. The truth was, I wasn’t sure if she was interested, so I opted for the gentlemanly approach.
Since then, I’ve realized that first dates with kisses had less second and third dates to follow. Apparently, women seem to want to prove their attractiveness more than they want a man to seem eager right away.
My conclusion is, even if you think she might be the woman for you right away, it’s better if she doesn’t know you think so.
My opinion…being just a little mysterious (but not too much) about your attraction to her will generally have her asking herself more questions about how you felt about her, than how she feels about you. If she knows you’re hot for her, she has her mind free to decide whether or not she’s really into you.
On the second date…make sure you kiss her! It’ll be a relief to her to know you’re into her, and then you have a better shot at seeing more of her in the future. Once she has the validation, she is more open to getting to know you.
I don’t want to kiss on a first date for a variety of reasons. One, I consider kisses for serious relationships only, and get turned off by guys who say things like, “It’s just a kiss? What’s the big deal?” If a kiss isn’t such a big deal to the guy, then I don’t want him to bother. Being pushed in any way also is a huge turnoff, and having a no first date kiss policy weeds out those who are selfish and impatient. It has nothing to do with not enjoying kisses, I am perfectly willing to inform a date that I do enjoy kissing at an appropriate point in the relationship. I don’t think it’s good that the communication should be based on physical signs of affection and attraction. They are simply unreliable, since a kiss can mean a lot of different things to different people. Also, the other person is still a stranger, and you don’t even know if they are interested in another date or not. I don’t know myself whether or not I want a second date with a man until I go home and think about it when I am alone. Not kissing on a first date does NOT mean (at least for me) that I am not attracted to the other person or capable of being attracted once I get to know them better, so I wish men would quit assuming that I’m not attracted to them or not a passionate type just because I don’t want to kiss on the first date.
Exactly, Karen! If a man doesn’t take something as intimate as a kiss seriously, guess what other things he won’t take seriously – sex, your relationship, and YOU. Look at it this way – hookers don’t even kiss their johns because it’s deemed too intimate!
One thing that I have seen is that men are turned on by what they see and women by touch. Men and women are totally different. So a kiss may not mean much to the man but has a totally different effect on the woman. Men really do not know how the woman feels when touched and woman do not understand what men feel by site. Each think that the other responds the same way they do. That is why women dress sexy but wonder why men are looking at them (they are probably trying to be fashionable and are actually dressing to impress other women with their fashion sense and do not realize what they are doing to the men).
Karen, I agree wholeheartedly. It’s a first date, for goodness’ sake! If “this” is anything of substance, there’s plenty of time for kissing as the relationship progresses. And, if we aren’t connecting in other ways, why would I want to connect with a man in this way? Deviating from what’s expected does not render me a deviant. I prefer kissing (and all intimacy) to be reserved for more than, “hey, you’re kinda cute and we’ve known each other for three hours.” Our society has cheapened kissing, cheapened intimacy… I choose not to. Also, I can quickly see whether a man is more focused on his own desires than on my beliefs and comfort level. If he puts himself first on a first date, that’s unlikely to change.
When I was young, about 30 years ago, I can’t remember any date I didn’t kiss on the first date, and there were great dates to follow. Now that I read all this it makes me wonder about the issue. I have never had a girl/ young lady upset with me. I don’t know if it is me, or my location or what, and I kind of thought I was expected to if the date went well.
It’s called becoming friends first. You can’t have a successful relationship based on passion first and friendship second, and last I checked, friends don’t make out five hours after they meet each other.
This might sound funny. I was chatting a guy up one day. He looked like he wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss him, but I had to refrain myself.
I was not dating him.
I kiss the guys I like. I don’t kiss the guys I don’t like. A good first date is a huge rarity for me, so while I have no expectations either way, I’m definitely up for a goodnight kiss when it happens.
I frankly can’t think of a 2nd date that I ever had after NOT having a first date kiss. If the chemistry isn’t there for a kiss, it’s certainly not there for a 2nd date, and anyone with a firm policy of no first dates isn’t for me anyway.
I don’t kiss on the first date. To me it is a very intimate act and reality is, I *do not know* this person. Having a guy get pushy with me to get a kiss is intimidating. I am a woman, and in some ways this *does* make me more vulnerable when it comes to all things physical.
I guess I would like guys to consider, “Would you want a guy getting pushy with your sister?” Think about it from that perspective. I guess I am an “old fashioned person” because even though I am capable and independent, I do believe that a guy is the protector. I don’t feel safe if you are getting pushy with me. Does not wanting to kiss on the first date mean that I am not passionate? Absolutely not. I *love* to kiss. I just don’t want to kiss someone I don’t know.
definitely no. If I feel like it, I will, if I don’t, and the girl does, I will let her kiss me. Hey, Jacob kissed Rachel before they knew each other (read the story in Genesis). Romance is a wonderful thing, it’s too bad so many people try to destroy it, or like they say, “nip it in the bud.” There are much worse things to do on(or to) a date, you know.
Then again, there are those people who will do ANYTHING for a kiss, just to get a kiss from some “handsome” or “beautiful” stranger, for its own sake. If there’s no connection, or chemistry, or romance, forget it. i.e. Cardboard is not the best thing to kiss, in other words, if your connection is dry as a bone, it’s time to say “next!”
My policy is to go with the flow. If things are going well and I know I want to see him again, he gets a kiss (assuming he wants one). If they’re not going well or I’m not sure how I feel, then I’m not likely to kiss. I will almost always give a brief hug after a first date, even if I’m not up for a kiss. I just think it’s a nice way to end the date (unless he was awful).
That said, there are different kinds of kisses and to me a first date kiss is a closed mouth kiss. Also, I would be put off by a guy who was pushy about it.
Life is too short for strict rules. You never know what may happen…take a chance!
Just for the record, I’m sixty-one years old and happily involved with a man who didn’t try to kiss me on our first date, but did hold my hand across the table…and I almost never hold hands on a first date!
In most cases, I am not going to go out with a man or meet someone that I do not know a bit about or am interested in. I will know for the most part early on if I want to kiss him. I can also gauge how soon the date needs to be over with. If I am enjoying myself I will be more open to spending more time with him. I guard my safety and often do several things to check them out. Sexuality is an important factor in a relationship for me and some older men just ARE not! I am 60 years old, feel and look much younger.
cough, cough
“do you have a cold?” he said
“yes”
“I’m not kissing you,”
“You always kiss the girl on your first date?”
“I always try.”
I didn’t kiss him on the first date only because I couldn’t. We couldn’t wait to see each other again and he was definitely worth the wait.
I know within the first five minutes whether my date’s kissable or not. If I have to wait for the third date to kiss, it’s too late- you’re already in the “friend” category.
Bottom line- I have very few rules when it comes to having fun.