Many of us have learned this the hard way. We date a guy for several months, start spending lots of time together and then we assume it’s exclusive – and that he is officially “the boyfriend.” After all, you spend every Friday night together and he has met most of your friends…why would you think otherwise?
Because men don’t always operate the same way women do!
Dating Don’t Number 4,599: don’t assume anything about your relationship unless you have had the conversation and are both perfectly clear of your status.
I don’t know exactly why men and women differ so much in this area, but it happens again and again. A good friend of mine was dating her now-husband for several years, and only recently found out that he continued to date other women well into the first six months or so they were seeing each other. This did not go over well with her, although she had to admit she had just assumed he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I think as women we get tend to get more invested early on, while men don’t until much later.
To solve this potential landmine, please remember to clarify things with him when the time is right. Either way – you will know where you stand, and have the opportunity to cut things off if he reveals he isn’t interested in a commitment and you are.
Just a little gentle reminder!
Has this happened to you? Please share any experiences because we can all learn from each other.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Well, I have to admit. I have to agree with guys must act differently. I was recently caught off guard one day when I was dating a ralatively new girl. She new a friend of mine from her work, complete coincidence, she told me she talked to him and told him that we were dating. She referred to my friend as if we are an official couple. I was completely drawn back, and put a stop to it right away. It is potentially my fault as well….lack of clarity.
Jeannie,
I am not sure if this is in direct response to your blog, but I felt it was relevent. What is you are EXTREMELY clear, he agrees on exclusiveness and then pulls back a bit on commitment, without dating someone else. I don’t mean live with or possess, but old girlfriends are still in contact, regularly? Is it wrong to look at that as a warning? How long should you hold off on making it clear that you are a one/one win/win kinda person if he doesn’t bring it up? Is there some kind of test to tell if he is a player?
Sammy – always trust your instincts. It could poss. be a red flag if he is in contact with old girlfriends. I think at this point it might be a good idea if you just be direct with him and find out what he is looking for. Good luck to you and keep your eyes open
Okay, this one I simply don’t get. How is it any different when a woman does the same thing??
It has been my experience that women do this too. Men are not the only social butterflies on the planet.
When did become a “men do this but women don’t” issue?
I agree with this as well. Masao is right. I recently been seeing a new girl who was fantastic. I traveled out to see her 5 times. Spent weeks together. We enjoyed each other, until after the middle of March, so wrote on a note and marked, will i be her boyfriend. I was taken aback from this. We never discuss the relationship. I lived in Calif and she lived in Texas. So my last trip she said i didn’t step it up to make her mines, well all she did while we were together was texting people, ex boyfriends, talk to other guys while were in sports bars, so i really didn’t get the feeling that she was ready for me.
Now, she said she has a date. She seems so desperate to have a man. She’s been divorced for 17yrs, what is the problem? I guess on both our parts, the communication, she was afraid to tell me in my face that this wasn’t gonna work out. Her lost not mine.
I actually agree with Masao, because I am a woman, and I usually act like ‘a man’. They are usually the ones thinking we’re exclusive, and I don’t haha, which is why I always tell them a wee bit into it that in order for me to be your girlfriend, you have to ask the question! Once you ask me to be your girlfriend, and I say yes, we are official =). No drama, no misunderstandings, no complications. I know you may think you’re too old for such ‘fairytale-youngster-stuff’, but seriously try it – it’s rid everyone of confusion. And also, your anniverary will be MUCH easier to pin-point =)! Ah!
Women are as capable of this as men! I have lived it first hand! I did not ask the right question, and she kept her secrets until I was all in! 7 months, twice a week! Two other men, I had no idea! Then it was to late, I wanted forever, and she wanted to pass the time! I can’t put blame on her she would have told me if I had asked!
Just ask and be clear! OUCH
Clint, you and I are in the same boat.
I think women are more emotional than Men. They invest their time and emotion in one assuming that this one may be their perfect.