The unfortunate truth is that sometimes people lie. A made up story can have many purposes – said in hopes of making the other person like you (you love The Office, I do too), said as a form of self-protection (I said it because I would be embarrassed if she knew the truth), or unfortunately, said for a more malicious purpose.
When we meet someone for the first time, we absorb as much information as we can from them trying to understand who the person is and what they are like. We consider the person’s choice of words, the accent, the body language, their clothes – anything we can see, hear, touch, or smell. The more we know and understand about the other person, the more help we have in deciding whether to trust the other person and pursue a relationship with him or her.
When meeting someone for the first time online, there is limited information available. And in some situations, like online dating sites, most of the information you get is provided by that other person. How do you know whether you can trust that information? Although not a background check, services like eHarmony’s RelyID help to verify that the person is who he/she says they are. And while there are no 100% guarantees, there may be a few other things you may do to get a little added peace of mind.
A recent study found that online daters used a number of strategies “to verify what people said in their profiles” (Gibbs, Ellison, & Lai, 2011). Strategies included things like:
1. Asking specific follow-up questions – if he states in his profile that he loves college basketball, follow-up about the recent NCAA championship
2. Keeping an eye out for discrepancies – there should be some amount of consistency between their photos, their profile, and from one conversation to the next
3. Searching public databases – online tools can provide added information, including public records, Google, or Facebook
4. Checking references – the world can be small, sometimes knowing someone who knows someone who knows your match can help
5. If in doubt, just asking – sometimes the most direct approach is the best – maybe ask for a recent picture holding something specific (like a piece of paper with your name on it)
According to the study, people who were more likely to engage in these kinds of behaviors were also more concerned about their personal security online and felt less confident about being able to pick out a good match online. But it wasn’t that people just needed more information. People who engaged in these behaviors, and presumably found the information they were looking for, also tended to reveal more information about themselves too.
With limited information, taking the steps to get to know someone can be difficult at first, but a little careful investigation may help put some pieces together. Remember to take your time and trust your instincts. Processes like eHarmony’s guided communication can help you get to know your match one step at a time. For more advice on how to have a safe experience on eHarmony, click here.
And for those finding themselves on the other side wanting to stretch the truth, read more about how choosing an honest profile picture and being authentic may provide added benefits in the long run.
Further Reading:
Gibbs, J., Ellison, N., & Lai, C. (2010). First Comes Love, Then Comes Google: An Investigation of Uncertainty Reduction Strategies and Self-Disclosure in Online Dating Communication Research, 38 (1), 70-100 DOI: 10.1177/0093650210377091
For more articles from eHarmony Labs, click here.
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
Great post! Thank you
I might SEND someone a photo of me holding a piece of paper with her name on it. I would not POST such a picture on my profile. THAT is going a bit too far. And she’ll probably get one of those never-very-good phone-camera shots from the bathroom mirror, too. Don’t expect a studio protrait quality shot if you want something on the spur of the moment like that.
(Which reminds me, it’s been almost two years since I’ve updated my profile photos … time to do it!!!!!)
For me eharmony has been a waste of time and money.I honestly believe that many people are there simply trolling and fishing.
It has not been a good experience for me.
Any communication I have had has been initiated by me and now I have simply become totally disinterested in the process.
Just my personal experience! Simply do not like the cloak and dagger stuff and hate the notion of being “up for inspection”.
How do I do a background check when only the first name is known?
You don’t worry about background checks….yet…but you do plan to meet in an open, public place, and share emails first, then phone numbers after a few chats have made you comfortable. Have alternate emails for such meetings; one that doesn’t directly give away your name. Once you know the full name, you don’t have to be sneaky; you can come out and ask permission…total upfront honesty might surprise you.
How do I do a background check if only first name is known?
Another question: first experience with a eharmony match was quite confusing. We got to the point where we met and we sat and talked for 2 hours. We both agreed we wanted to pursue the relationship and every time we text the same message of continuing was relayed to me by him yet never came to fruition. Why would someone continue to tell you they wanted to pursue the relationship, yet not. What was the point?
We don’t live in a vacuum. All of us who do post on dating sites are to some degree ending, or trying to forget, a past relationship. Be patient. It (s)he was wishy washy about getting in touch with you; just keep up your search and hope for the best…don’t re-message, don’t beg. Give them time and space to wrap up what their pre-dating life was, and you might be pleasantly surprised.
I am a new member to the e harmony site. I’ve been on for 3 weeks and the matches that I send messages to don’t respond back.If someone does not respond to your messages then move on and don’t waste your time they are just to damn picky.
If you have only been on for 3 weeks you need to give people time. Some people don’t get on that often. Don’t take it personally. Also there is a good chance they are just persuing another relationship.
It helps to send a smile; that’s free, and if you get a smile back, (or two or three) then it might be time to give EH your credit card and get serious.
Just a comment, I have been on e-harmony since June 24/2011 for a 3 month introductory offer. I’m a good catch, good-looking/professional/athletic/well read and informed however I too have initiated every communication with no results, what is the matter gentleman are you on the site for entertainment only?
Genuinely impressive