I got this very interesting comment on a previous blog post –
“I have a friend who was very attracted to a younger man. She is 62 he is 38 and she looks much younger, about 46-48. My friend did not tell her real age and told him she was 46. the younger guy told her at first that he had a girlfriend, but later on maybe weeks later the younger guy started to pursue my friend.He told her that he had broken up with his girlfriend. They talked at first on the phone then they started to see each other. It ended up they had sex and after that he seemed no longer interested. Even though she knows she lied to him about her age she still feels this strong attraction to him. I told her that it never could have worked out anyway because of the age difference.”
Several interesting issues in this situation:
1. Is it ever okay to lie about your age? For men, we’re always told to never ask a woman’s age. Publicly there is some sort of free pass given to women who shave off a few years. Did this woman commit an unpardonable sin by shaving 16 years off her age?
2. When a relationship starts with this kind of untruth does it doom the relationship to failure? Clearly the woman looks like she could be 46, or he wouldn’t have believed her. Does that matter?
3. I’ve mentioned this story to several female friends and they all say the same thing, “A 62-year-old woman and a 38-year-old man? You go girl!” Is it even necessary to write that if I swapped the genders they would say, “That’s disgusting – an old man chasing a young woman like that!” Why the double standard?
4. We all know that a 62-year-old man and a 38 year-old-woman can live happily ever after. We see if quite often. Can the reverse situation work just as well?
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Wow! this is so funny and interesting. I was married once to a man who was almost thirty years my senior..I was 27 at the time…he was 59 go figure..It wasn’t about the age difference for me…he was very attentive, and spoiled me somewhat..he was also the father of our two children..and he had 2 older kids of his own..While the age gap posed a problem for some people, and eventually him…(insecurity issues) caused by “neigh sayers” it never entered my mind because of the man he was. He was very passionate about life and me as well..ergo, the two children three years apart. That been said.. I think after their initial encounter, she should have disclosed the age difference. Eventhough she looks 46, that was a complement to her, my question is Did he actually pursue her? Or, is this what she read into it? Somehow rationalizing what was going on between them, to justify…eventually what happened…having sex. I can’t say this enough, Intimacy changes everything…once you’ve crossed that line…there’s no turning back.. Funny, how sometimes we as women forget, we lacks our instincts or standards when someone shows a little interest in us, after being alone for a period of time…Maybe if she had maintained them…he’d still be there..I’m thinking he did what he initially wanted to do…and that was to sleep with her..Not wanting to generalize…maybe he had a hidden agenda..to try something new! In my mothers day…she would call it the “Ole settler chasing young chickens”…if that was the case…you get what you get, and sad to say it but “she got played”…maybe next time she’ll be a little more forthcoming about herself (age) that is…It’s okay to keep some secrets to yourself, but this one shouldn’t have been one of them. But then, maybe she felt the need to take care of him, I hear most “Cougars” have that maternal clock ticking..who knows…my opinion is I don’t do the cougar thing…and trust me there are opportunities when I can without any effort..but I think about my 2 kids; Son-22 an daughter 25…and to me that’s just taboo! As for as the double standard..I don’t think there’s one…I wouldn’t call it disgusting either…life happens, you just have to be a little more cautious about who you deal with…if the young man was mature enough to put in the work it takes to secure a solid relationship..with proven results…then I don’t see any problem with it…just not for me! Like I said, That’s just my opinion…Holla
Peachez, you idiot. If you were 27 and he was 59 he wasn’t “almost 30 years older than you”. He was than 30 years older than you and then some.
If a man initially resists a woman and later sleeps with her it’s not because he changed his mind about the woman. It’s because women are like chocolate bars. You might reject the idea of having one initially but if it sits there available long enough eventually you’ll indulge.
There are 62 year old women who can pass for 46. However, if a guy is 38 he can sleep with 46 year olds and 30 year olds and the 46 years olds will be something of a let down. A 62 year old trying to pass herself off as a 46 year old will have the guy slapping his forehead for weeks asking “What was I thinking?”
From a woman’s perspective this is a relationship question. From a guy’s perspective it’s a question of a lack of willpower and poor judgement.
The lesson here? If you lie about your age and claim to be 16 years younger than you actually are, enjoy the sex the first time because that’s where it will likely end 80% of the time or more.
If you had asked me, I would have said – shame on her for lying about her age, and yes, that relationship based on a lie is absolutely doomed.
@Jeannie, I agree. Trust, honesty and communication. Yikes!
Although I understand her initial physical attraction to a younger man (men in our age group seem to be grumpy, grouchy, and have given up on taking care of themselves), she was VERY WRONG to lie. Just my opinion!
And if you think a man can’t tell the difference between a younger woman and an older woman, as a woman, you are just delusional….
I do not understand why older women can’t have a short romans or marriage with younger man.
You are all wrong and very oldfashion base your jugement on times when women used to age faster then men due to having so many children and no education,career nor possibily to take care of herself physically,intellectually and emotionally.
It is absolutely nothing wrong to take a few years off innitially to start dating .Lots of men are taking their years off when starting to date and when comes to marriage proposal ,then they clear that matter.
To put everything on the table on the first date /,which might even not come to the second one/ is totally unneccessary.
To think that women has to marry older man used to be based on the fact that older men as a provider for the family was better marriage candidate.
At present times however professional women are not neccessery looking for good provider ,because they can provide for themself ,however they are looking for a men ,who is equally educated ,so they do not feel insecure to be with her in marriage contract because they have equal opportunity to provide.
Please stop thinking that there is something wrong with older women been married to younger men.
My sister is marred to 16 y younger man having 1 child and they never talk about age and nobody even ask or think about that.They are happy as much as you can be happy in our times.
Absolutely nothing wrong with having younger husband especially when you do not look for one.It might just happen. Be brave.Important thing is that you make your younger man or woman feel secure in your relationship,it goes both way.It is absured to feel that way,and it goes to men too.It is quite normal that some men like older,more mature women.Do not redicule them.Loves makes wonders.
The key in this situation is that she lied about her age:
1. It is not okay for anyone to lie about their age.
2. Regardless if someone thinks I look younger (which I am proud to say I do lol), I do not lie about my age.
3. For me I think the problem is that since the woman lied, the man did not really have the woman’s true age. It is one thing to know the person’s age and be okay with it….it is quite another to lie and the other person not know your real age.
4. Can the reverse happen? That is a great question! I think each person needs to be honest in any relationship where there is a significant age gap. While anything in life can happen at any time, I do think it is important for individuals to weigh the pros and cons. A con for me as a woman, is that if I decided to marry a man 30 years older than men……what if when I turn 55 years old and he has dementia and needs 24 hour care? Love is important, but I think people just need to honestly look at age, like any other part of a relationship and be okay with “years from now”.