For many years eHarmony has had a question on its profile about the last book you really enjoyed. Periodically we get emails from users who say, “Who READS anymore?! Why is this question here?”
I know that the percent of Americans that read books is not in line with consumption of other popular media like film, TV, and music, (Although e-books are raising the overall number of books read) but I’m curious about whether book consumption is important to you, along with these other questions…
1. Do you see the books a person reads as more or less important than the movies they read, the music they like and the television shows they watch?
2. Do you think that reading books are any indicator of intelligence? In all honesty, do you perceive a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television?
3. What matters more to you a) That a person reads at all. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve. (Let’s set aside the crazed person that lists Mein Kampf as their favorite book.)
4. Do you read books as a matter of habit?
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
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Yes, whether a person reads matters to me. How much they read also matters to me. For one thing, it’s a sign of someone who is curious about the world, and is at least somewhat educated (Reading is, after all, an acquired skill, whereas watching tv or movies is not. Any two year old can do that.) Someone who likes to read is also someone who reads well, meaning easily, therefore is more likely to also write, for more than just signing their checks.)
Really, though, I look for someone who reads regularly for two reasons:
1. Because, for me, reading is a way of life, and someone who does not also read as a way of life, for recreation, study, etc. would not be a good match for me.
2. The mere act of reading tends to produce certain habits of thought, simply because the print medium (as opposed to that of film), requires a certain level of conscious thought to extract meaning from the marks on paper. Since I possess these habits of thought, which can be very annoying to nonreaders, but are instantly understood by fellow habitual readers, those who read would be better matches for me.
As far as the content of what is read, it matters some. A person who only reads Twilight would not be as good a match for me as someone who reads Jane Austen, but the fact that they read a BOOK, as opposed to watching Buffy, or Days of Our Lives, means we’re closer than someone who just has a steady diet of tv, movies, or internet.
Just my 2 cents. YMMV
Well put Scot! Reading is without a doubt a way of life, for the readers it is a basic personality trait. Maintaining a friendship with people who aren’t readers can be difficult. They don’t understand why I might stay up till 7 AM and not even realize it because I simply couldn’t put a book down. Or why that scene is so funny I smile for hours thinking about it. But to answer the questions:
1) It’s not that I see reading more or less important than movies/t.v. it is without a doubt important though. I met someone recently who has extremely similar tastes in reading material, but that’s pretty much all we have in common. When it comes down to it, reading is just another trait to consider.
2) Reading doesn’t necessarily indicate intelligence, but it does show a mindset and personality. Someone who is a hardcore Twilight fan would not get along with me.
3) What people read isn’t nearly as important to me as the personality the reader has. If “Mein Kampf” is their favorite book, will they attempt to force these ideas on me or hold it as an example to live up to?
4) Maybe reading is a habit, but it’s definitely a life long one!
I agree, I don’t care what books a man reads as long as he reads. I read often, finding it both relaxing and thought provoking. I would need to be with a man who knows about the world around him, who could discuss current events and important matters. I would like him to be respectful of others, self-confident and comfortable at work and around me; and I believe reading promotes that. I really like Scot’s comments and wish I could meet him or a guy like him.
1. I see the books a person reads as just as important as the movies they read, the music they like and the television shows they watch. It’s all in the category of what a person feeds his mind.
2. Yes, I think that reading books are an indicator of intelligence. It’s not, however, a question of whether there’s a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television. It isn’t quite that simple, black and white, reading vs. television. You’ve got apples and oranges there. Instead, it’s important to me that a man reads a book at least now and then, because that implies things about him and piques my curiosity. People who read books, often love words. That’s a plus for a man’s conversational ability. Does he enjoy learning? If so, he probably enjoys reading different writing styles. If he enjoys a variety of subject matter, then he’s probably at least somewhat open-minded and smart and, again, has decent conversational ability. Does he love that crackle of opening up a brand new book, like when we were kids? The smell of a brand new book? Does he–like me–see the aquisition of a book as a sort of treasure hunt? Does he enjoy sifting through a sale bin in a nice bookstore and finding a great book at a bargain, or maybe perusing the shelves in an old, used book shop and finding something he can’t resist? If he’s reading along silently and comes to a passage that really grabs him, will he read it aloud to me and in a nice voice that I enjoy hearing? I wonder how he will sound when he reads a favorite passage to me, something beautiful or exciting. I want to be with a man like that. He doesn’t have to read all the time, he just needs to read and enjoy it. A tv-watcher or movie-watcher is a viewer, an observer; a reader is a participant, AND he can tell me a lot about himself by having a passion for the written word.
3. In this question you ask what matters more to us a) That a person reads at all. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve. My answer is that it’s just important that he genuinely appreciates books. I certainly don’t have to admire or approve of the books a man in my life reads. And I don’t want to be with someone who wants to approve of my reading material, either.
4. In this one you ask whether we read books as a matter of habit. I do read books as a matter of habit. I always have plenty of books around, but I take my time and read them very sporadically–I’m not a voracious reader, by any means. But I have loved books since I was a child, and always will. And I hope to meet a man who has a similar appreciation.
I always look at the ‘last book I read’ section for some clues of what my matches are like. I believe what a person reads tells a lot about who he is, what beliefs he might hold or hold against, what worldview he has, or at least what he is interested in. A person who likes to read also shows that he has an ongoing interest in knowing this world and other people’s thoughts.
I love that question on eharmony. I am a voracious reader who was married to a non-reader for many years and I wish I had paid more attention to that lack of shared interest prior to saying I do. It is definately a sign of intrelligence if somone reads. I ask the question how many books in the last year as a kind of litmus test. I hope they never remove that question, it is so revealing of who the person is.
Just a quick comment! I’m on my iPhone.
I love the question! It helps me understand where a person is in life! My Dad never read much because he was always studying his Sunday School lesson if he had a spare moment. My ex husband read and I loved it! He read Dean Koontz, Greg Isles, CS Lewis and every night while I was puttering around he would read and when I came to bed I would excitingly ask him what has happened now! I love to read but if I have a spare moment I’m online reading news (no commercials and not biased by locals) or listening to Pandora while I putter. I don’t even have cable.. Never watch TV, nothing worth watching most of the time. I think there’s a bigger picture than if he’s a reader, he’s more intelligent. I DO agree that I am attracted to a reader MUCH more than a non-reader… And I dont read fiction, only Medical Industry books or Self Help books. But I’ve been told I’m a pretty smart cookie! Ha Just different temperament! Not to mention ADD can make it difficult to start a book, but after starting, can’t put it down til finished!
If a man is reading Boundaries or Born to be Wild, I know he’s probably been to marital counseling to try to save his marriage. If he’s reading History of the Jews or a biography of Charles Vanderbilt, he’s a History buff and probably follows international affairs. If he reads Money and Investing ‘How to’ books, he’s not really a ‘reader’ as much as a ‘learner’! Which is great, but it definitely shows he’s probably in the Corporate Rat race! A fiction novel like DaVinci Code or Enders Game tells me he needs an escape from reality and he’s probably pretty calculating in his own personal affairs! Oh and if he’s reading The Giving Tree or Chronicles of Narnia, he’s trying to instill the love of books to his children!
Anyway, this was supposed to be short. Ooops! I hope that my match would read to me something deep or something he is passionate about and know that I am sharing that with him as opposed to having to be sitting down reading at the same time. Freedom to be me, the non-reader, but sharing personal enlightenments with my lover and book reader!! By the way, the reason my Ex is my Ex had NOTHING to do with him being a reader, although he was very intelligent. It had to do with him bailing out and wanting a new life starting over with his secretary after losing his job. The eHarmony question never could have prepared me for that, but the question definitely has value in analysizing match compatibility and I hope we leave it as a get to know you question!
Oh, it matters to me immensely. My ex didn’t read a lot, but if you don’t enjoy reading at all, there would be a massive disconnect between us. And I think it says a lot about a person, as to what they read. Not only does it give you something to talk about (much like movies, TV, or any other hobby), it also gives you insight into their intelligence and to to their personality. I’m not saying I wouldn’t date someone unless they’re an avid reader – my ex was only a casual reader (which still caused a little friction.. I remember him getting mad at me once for staying up all night to finish a new book.. but that’s just something I love to splurge and do on occasion), but if he wasn’t a reader at all, I just don’t think he would be able to understand me enough to be a good partner.
Please do not take out the question about the last book one read. It would be a mistake. I FIRST go to this part of the profile when I am sent a match, even before looking at pictures.
Reading a book is NOT “book consumption.” Reading is how human minds grow and become complex, imaginative, mature, interesting. Most importantly, it is the most key indicator of whether people are intellectually compatible. If I do not see that my match is a reader I cannot even envision continuing the conversation.
eHarmony is making the grave error of not matching people on intellectual compatibility, which has been a source of endless frustrations for me. This has nothing (or little) to do with intelligence. It has everything to do with a certain lifestyle which includes a cultivated life of the mind. Please do not take out the one question that deals with having (or not) an intellectual life style in the whole of your questionnaire.
I am genuinely disappointed that your 29 dimensions do not include intellectual compatibility. What I mean by this is not ‘having an intellect.’ All human beings have intellects. I am referring to what I already called above an intellectual lifestyle, or, put differently, having a cultivated mind, especially through reading. As it is, your compatibility schema is blind to this most crucial dimension of life, and, to give an example, can match semi-literate people with winners of the Pulitzer prize in literature. (NB the Pulitzer prize is one of the most reputable in the world.) Whatever other psychological traits are a match, it would be preposterous to think that the exclusion of intellectual compatibility would lead to a satisfying long term marriage. A Harvard professor specializing in French contemporary philosophy would NOT be a good match to someone who can just talk about baseball–in grammar mutilating sentences.
Intellectually sophisticated minds are not a match to intellectually unformed minds. eHarmony misses this entirely.
To some extent, intellectual compatibility is a matter of formal education, but not only. It takes READING. There are numerous people who graduate with advanced degrees in engineering and business (to give just two examples) who do not read anything non-technical, who do not talk about ideas, and do not engage the world in intellectually complex ways. Also, there are extremely large numbers of college graduates who do not have the habit of reading. Now, such people may in fact read self-help books sometimes, or devotional literature, or business or technical material, or how-to books and magazines. But this is not reading in the sense in which an intellectual person reads. An intellectual reads good literature, whether classical or contemporary, books about arts and ideas, usually the kinds of things that count as within the broad division of humanities. My point is simply that while being an intellectual is often a matter of being highly educated, advanced education is an insufficient condition for it. Conversely, one may be less educated formally, and be an avid reader of extraordinarily interesting books.
More to the central point I am trying to make here, intellectuals tend to have their minds shaped in a manner of complexity and aesthetic proclivities that do not lend themselves to intimacy with non-intellectuals. They would simply have close to nothing to talk about. An African bushman and a Yale professor of comparative literature may have psychological similarities that according to your 29 dimensions would deem them a perfect match. Alas, they are NOT.
Bottom line suggestion: please add a 30th dimension that matches people on the basis of a compatibly cultivated mind. It is an unpardonable omission. And please do not give up this question about the last book read and enjoyed.
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Direct answers to your four questions:
1. Do you see the books a person reads as more or less important than the movies they read, the music they like and the television shows they watch?
Immensely more important.
2. Do you think that reading books are any indicator of intelligence? In all honesty, do you perceive a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television?
This is not necessarily a matter of intelligence, although I believe there is a correlation: someone who only reads Sports Illustrated may be in a different intelligence zone than someone who reads Greek philosophy and writes about it scholarly articles. That said, intelligence alone is not a sufficient matching criterion, plus there are many types of intelligence. What DOES matter is that reading shapes one’s mind in a way that non-reading NEVER does. This is why compatibility does include a similarly cultivated mind.
3. What matters more to you a) That a person reads at all. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve. (Let’s set aside the crazed person that lists Mein Kampf as their favorite book.)
a) is a necessary but insufficient aspect; b) matters a lot
4. Do you read books as a matter of habit?
Absolutely yes. Many!
It simply cannot be expressed more perfectly than Scot and Alexandra have iterated it here. I whole-heartedly concur!
It is critical! It is one of three things I scan for immediately and usually the item for which I archive a match. If they have chosen not to cultivate their minds, not to expand their thoughts and ideas, not to grow then they are dying. Not a good match!
I don’t understand how reading a book can determine someone’s “curiosity of the world” or “intelligence.”
I for one do not read books, magazines, nor newspapers. However, my interest in the world is not compromised nor is my intelligence. I find my world adventures through exploring everyday life and my intelligence is kept in tact with puzzles and other mental games/exercises. I do not need to read to hold an intellectual conversation. I work in a position where I need to think critically and outside the box to solve issues. Am I inhibited in my thought process because I do not read? No, I am not.
Now, I get the concept of a “match” between a reader and non-reader. However, if that is the only trait that matter’s to a reader, then something is wrong. You didn’t get along with you’re Ex because he/she didn’t read is a little “off” to me. There’s more a relationship match than reading. Sure, maybe a little awkward if you’re reading and your partner is not. But outside of reading, there should be more chemistry if you 2 were a “good” match.
If my partner is a reader, that’s perfectly fine. I would actually be interested in what she is reading and would love to hear how she is liking the book. I will show genuine interest in her passions as she would with my passions. If that is not enough to hold a match between us, then we were never a match to start with.
I have nothing against those who love to read, but I do not like how reading is a way to judge a person. Just because someone cannot get interested in books does not mean the person is not intelligent. To be honest, I have yet to find a book that holds MY interest past the first 3 chapters. And Yes, I do know how to read and read well.
I wonder if we can apply this thought into music. How many of you Readers enjoy classical, orchestras, and/or opera? I do. If you don’t should I consider you any different?
I AGREE with Jeff. I am new to this community of singles looking for singles. Not because I have not been single, just never wanted to be desperate enough (LOL that’s what friends say) I am an intellectual, and a reader. As I read the comments from people how enjoy reading, I was thinking, so if he likes to hunt and you don’t does that mean he is more in touch with his true self and you are plastic? NO. The last man I thought was the one, and wasn’t, was not a reader, however highly intellegent. He was also extremely cultured, informed and articulate. Didn’t enjoy reading. It was the seditary nature, he loved to sit and reflect, just not on someone elses idea of what would ‘fix’ him, or a dream that did not belong to him personally. Yes, we got along fine, I think we would forever, if I could have accepted he could not commit totally, no marriage. See, it had nothing to do with me being a teacher and artist and him being a humble southern country man. OPOSITES ATTRACT. If you intellectuals are looking for a twin, I don’t think you will be happy. live, laugh and love. Don’t give up until someone wants that, can have that with you, AND will commit to it is what I think, not if they are your clone.
Jeff I totally agree. There are a lot more things to be concerned with instead of whether someone reads or not. I am an avid reader but I do not care one bit if a guy reads or not, that is only one of my interests. It does not denote intelligence either. And music, even my very best friend doesnt have my exact taste in music and neither have any of the guys I’ve dated and for that I am glad because their taste opened my horizons.
Thanks for all these great comments…
Alexandra, I had a couple of questions for you that might provide some real learning for us.
Can you tell me which online dating sites do a great job, in your opinion, matching people on intellectual compatibility?
What do you think are some of the best tools to help us sort the intellectually sophisticated minds from those that are not?
In terms of the matching you’ve received from eHarmony what percentage do you feel are at your cultivated intellectual level and what percentage do you feel are in the class you would consider non-intellectuals?
thanks, Grant
I hope eH will continue to include the reading question. It does not carry as much weight for me as it does for Alexandra, but I think a person’s literary interests may reflect his or her intelligence, education level, and interests. Consequently, a man’s answer to the reading question interests me and gives me an additional glimpse into his soul.
This is one of the most important questions you have. It makes a difference if one is a passive learner or an active learner. There is nothing like a good book. Have you ever watched the movie after reading the book? I cannot even do it anymore. The movie is watered down and can bear little similarity to the book. I have many books that I keep as reference books after reading them. I will never read a novel twice until there are no new ones to read – many people disagree, but I would rather read something new. It is a great question. I look at the reading question as being so important – along with spelling! It says so much.
Dear Grant,
Thank you for asking me these questions. Here are some (imperfect, I’m afraid) answers.
1) Can you tell me which online dating sites do a great job, in your opinion, matching people on intellectual compatibility?
I do not have a vast knowledge of dating sites in general. However, from what I do know, eHarmony is the only one that does the matching for its subscribers. Most others that I know of let you do searches based on your own criteria. eH is the only one which imposes its criteria (the 29 dimensions). Hence, it is hard to make any comparison.
2) What do you think are some of the best tools to help us sort the intellectually sophisticated minds from those that are not?
Add relevant questions to your questionnaire. For example, ask people to say how many books they read in the last year, and do not match the ones who read 0-2 with those who read 30-40. Or, ask some multiple choice questions about what books people like to read (books, not newspapers), with categories such as philosophy, classic literature, self-help, technical/business, or “I don’t read many books.” Then do not match the ones who check “technical/business” or “I don’t read many books” with the ones who check “philosophy” and “classical literature.” Cross-reference a question like this with the one referring to how many books one reads. Also ask something like this: “do you consider yourself an intellectual?” and provide some multiple choice answers that help the matching process, such as “Yes, I am an intellectual or an academic,” “Yes, I cultivate my mind through much reading and talking about ideas,” “Somewhat, I read every now and then, but reading is not a core part of my life,” “Not really, I do not read much, but I have a great intellect in other ways” (which means that such a person is NOT and intellectual), “Not sure what you mean by intellectual,” etc. Then match people who read, and avoid matching someone who says s/he is an intellectual or academic with someone who’s not even sure what on earth an intellectual is.
3) In terms of the matching you’ve received from eHarmony what percentage do you feel are at your cultivated intellectual level and what percentage do you feel are in the class you would consider non-intellectuals?
I cannot speak in percentages, because I am the farthest possible from being oriented towards numbers and ratios. But, I can testify to having received extremely RARE a match with an active intellectual life. Very sorry to have to report this. I would love it to be otherwise.
Hi Alexandra,
Thanks for answering my questions. A few observations:
Yes, as far as I know no company does a great job matching people based on detailed intellectual pursuits. I think one of the reasons for this is that it may be harder than you think to do this well.
But more importantly, our research has shown that classes of intellectual interest have less to do with long term marital happiness than general levels of intellectual ability.
For instance, a couple where he is a research scientist, and reads mostly dense scientific journals, and she is a English Professor and reads mostly novels have a tendency to be happy over a lifetime. She may or may not be able to talk to him about the emotional weight of a particular passage in her latest novel, but in their life together she can and will certain experience him as an intellectual equal in dealing with life together. The same may be said for a brilliant business man and a woman who is an academic or vice versa.
As a reader, I see the value in a person who consumes books as a matter of course, but I leave myself open to the possibility that one could be very smart, intellectually curious, and not a big reader. In fact, if a person was extremely compatible with me in all ways except books, I would want to meet them. I don’t want to miss out on meeting a great person, because we aren’t perfectly aligned in every area. I may decide that they aren’t a good fit, but I’d like to make that determination after seeing and chatting with them.
Lastly, I would say, not knowing you that you may be so smart that it is extremely difficult to find someone at your level. It’s all on a bell curve, you know. If you’re in the top 2%, finding a man who matches you in all the ways that matter AND is in the top 2% as well is a tall order.
But if you’re using eHarmony, you’re in the right place to have it happen.
best,
Grant
Oie….pardon the poor grammar. I was typing really fast.
that’s ok isn’t Grant, i mean us fast typers aren’t suppost to feel bad if we don’t spell check or… ok in this forum?
I do agree reading is a very important part of my life and I would like to find someone with the same interests.
Grant, I appreciate that you are trying to speak directly to what my own life may or may not need, but I did NOT engage in this conversation at a personal level, and I do not desire that this exchange goes in a personal direction such as in your last paragraph. I am sorry, but such a thing would just not be appropriate for me for a public space among strangers. Thank you, sincerely and humbly, for understanding.
Regarding your general points, this is not about matching people on detailed intellectual pursuits. It is about matching people who read with other people who read–and I simply mean reading non-fluff! That’s all. This can, and is worth pursuing. I suggested some options, and I am sure there are hundreds of other ways to address it.
Again, eHarmony matching is not to be compared with other services, because other sites do NOT match people but let them browse through their respective databases. So, the issue is that if eH wants to brand itself as the one dating site that substitutes browsing with pre-selected matches based on various dimensions of human life, than it ought to not leave out a most key feature of human life: THE MIND.
Cultivating the mind then matters. A lot. And no matter what other features a person has, a cultivated mind will lend itself to a whole different way of being in the world than a non-cultivated mind. And the thought that reading is optional for cultivating one’s mind is… simply unrealistic. Or, more strongly put, naive.
So, I am not suggesting matching people who are in similar professions, or pursue a related form of research, etc. Far from it. I am suggesting matching people who read with other people who read, because their minds are of a more compatible complexity. I am not qualifying the type of reading in any big way, just suggesting that self-help and sports magazines (for example) are not exactly cultivating anyone’s mind, because of the lack of DEPTH of such printed matter.
I am not either trying to be pretentious in any way. In all humility, I suspect someone who is at home with complexity (which comes through reading texts of depth) would be a burden to someone who is at home in front of TV watching Desperate Housewives. Conversely, someone whose mind is not used to complexity and nuances (which again, comes through reading) would have a hard time processing life together with someone who thinks in sophisticated ways.
In sum, this is why reading matters: because it shapes the whole person and her mode of life and being in the world. It is not just one feature alongside liking sushi or not. An intellectual would process ALL things at a level of complexity that longs for a match in kind. Whether it’s a conversation about how the day went, or it’s taking a trip to Guatemala to help with sustainable agriculture, or whether it’s watching a movie and discussing it, it’s all about the cultivation of the mind that makes a key difference. People with cultivated minds will reflect on their days, their trips, the movies they watch, and all else, in more complex ways than those who do not read. This is why reading is not a feature of life comparable to many others. It shapes who one is in the sense of processing at a deeper level ALL ELSE.
Peace to you.
So, in summary, if you don’t read you’re stupid.
I can’t believe the amount of prejudiced I’m seeing here. There are so many other avenues of intellectual pursuits.
I am a “bibliophile”, because I am curious about the world and other cultures, and garnering knowledge (as opposed to stereotypes), is how I live my life. I am not comfortable with people (as friends or potential partners), who do not share that same curiosity and zest for learning and expanding their horizons.
Whether a person reads or not and how often they read is important to me! It is not a deal breaker if they don’t read a lot but would be one part that would not match with my lifestyle.
I don’t necessarily assume that the person is not intelligent if they say they “don’t read anything”. It does cause me to stop and think, just as when I read a profile that has an great deal of misspelled words, improper grammar and misused captial letters gives me some hesitation.
Their opinon of reading and how often they read can be something that will make me respond to someone who I might otherwise have hestiated to respond to.
Some printed (or online) publications that are written for a more intelligent readership than those of tabloids have dating sites associated with them that have been carefully constructed specifically to reveal nuances and differences in the ‘life of the mind’. In contrast, because eHarmony fails so utterly to address what is the single most important criteria for a match for me, I found its compatibility criteria and the matches it produced quite useless for my purposes.
Instead I now rely on sites such as The Guardian newspaper’s UK Soulmates for example. There I can go a lot further than specifying that my match should read very frequently, or very broadly, but can even make a point of avoiding contact with anyone who doesn’t include ‘Fiction’ among the list of genres that they read.
My life’s experience has taught me that this single feature has a 100% correlation with my intellectual compatibility with someone, as it is ALWAYS associated with habits of thought that I sooner or later have to admit I find limited and unimaginative, eHarmony’s ‘research’ results (quoted above) notwithstanding.
Statistical analysis of comments from the pool of eHarmony’s membership will be analysis of the lower and central portions of the bell curve only, as it already excludes outliers such as myself (and no doubt soon, Alexandra too), thus producing results that prioritize the ‘average’, which is of course eHarmony’s target market.
At one stage I used Match.com and there, for want of any other options, I tried stating explicitly ‘Please don’t contact me if you are religious or DO NOT READ FICTION”, but this warning was ignored (unread?) by its largely (surprisingly) illiterate membership, so I had streams of unwanted messages from ‘unsuitables’ who wrote to me simply because they liked my photo. Match.com with its huge membership focusses even more than eHarmony on the ‘average user, who will of course never be a match for me.
This factor, enjoying reading fiction (which in the Guardian’s site benefits from being already filtered by the association with a newspaper whose readership is limited to a more educated, liberal audience than the average, thus implying reading rather more ‘literary fiction’ than junk), is a singularly important and revealing feature for me, so it is an ESSENTIAL criterion for purposes of date-matching, but is not exclusive. Many other filtering factors contribute to attempts to specify an ‘ideal’ match, but still there will be the inevitable differences and disappointments that arise when living humans are compared with carefully composed digital profiles.
I have actually been surprised at how often in profiles everywhere I’ve come across the proud declaration: “I don’t read fiction”, but even among those for whom this is an admirable quality it obviously is acknowledged to be a significant feature within the ‘matching’ process.
Whatever definitions of intelligence are used, there will always be a wide ranging scale of difference on this feature between people, so creative ways to describe this difference need to be incorporated in profile matching systems just as other differences are quantified. People being people, without detailed questionnaires that are really revealing of the profile writer’s qualities, users will be left to learn the hard way that just as there exists on dating sites an extraordinary number of men who are 6ft tall but look shorter in real life, intellectual capacity too will often be overestimated.
Micha,
No offense Micha, but do you think that maybe you are far too above most humans ‘intellectually’ to be physically or humanly stimulated by anything less than an ignema? I can tell you as a MENZA member since young adulthood, letting go of whom is superior to whom will go much farther in the heart.
I read/write daily as an integral part of my occupation; there simply is no way that I am going to spend what precious little free time remains with my nose in a book, under the guise of intellectual pursuit or anything else for that matter. It probably does make sense to leave the question alone, with the proviso that using any one question as a barometer for the ever-elusive “compatibility” is probably not very well advised. But then again, if one could muster the wherewithall to tear themselves away from the latest spellbinder, they probably could eliminate altogether the need to lean on the likes of eHarmony for some semblance of a social life.
Yes – this questions is very important to me. I am an avid reader, and collect books. I raised my daughter to do the same. Knowing that someone continues to educate themselves through books is important. The type of books or magazines that people read tells a lot about the kind of person they are, and can also indicate the things that are most important to them.
The whole point of online dating is to learn about the person you may be interested in. Figure out if there is a “fit.”
1. I think all of the media a person elects to consume is important in learning more about them. I don’t think anyone would doubt the assertion that if a woman is reading “Soldier of Fortune” and listening to Megadeath, she is likely very different than the woman reading”The Art of Racing in the Rain,” and listing to Cheryl Crow. It’s all part of getting insight into a person.
2. Reading books may not be an indicator of intelligence, but it is an indicator that the person, be they man or woman, is interested in something enough to read about it. I think it is an indicator of someone who is at least intellectually inclined enough to want to keep their brain active and the consciousness raised, depending upon the books they elect to read.
3. I think the type, genre of books matters to a lesser degree. The act of reading takes effort and a desire to keep one’s mind active. A person’s reading habits typically says a lot about them and their interests.
4. The motivation to read a particular book is often different. Sometimes you are simply looking for escapism and entertainment, other times, you are trying to learn something or at least gain insight into a topic that you have interest in. There may be some notion of habit, as it is likely if you were encouraged to read as a youngster, you often carry that through adulthood.
I agree with Alexandra and others who realize that reading is an indicator of an active, inquiring mind. Because of that, a person’s reading habits and interests are significant and important to me, and whether they recognize it or not, to others.
Illiteracy is not a charming trait—as exemplified by George Rainone’s remark: “I can’t believe the amount of prejudiced I’m seeing here.” It’s as if Rainone considers ignorance a virtue…
eHarmony comes across as a stuffy, youth-oriented, politically correct organization that seeks the maximum return on its investment.
If eHarmony is to have a future to include any customers over age 29, never, ever delete the question about reading!
There—I’m finished now.
Let me say this from the perspective of a 42 year old african-american professional. It’s not only imporant to me that I date a woman who reads but it’s also important to me WHAT she reads. I mean, I’ve dated women from many different backgrounds that are all into reading these gossip magazines and stuff like that isn’t impressive AT ALL. Yeah they read but they read a lot of trash. It’s nice to see a woman who reads some non-fiction books, some self-help or what Carrie on Sex & The City coined “self-hell”, some books on developing good people-skills so you know how to talk “to” a person rather than how to talk “at” a person, as well as some good cerebral fictional books. If I go into a woman’s place and see books like that on her bookshelf I know right then and there that this is a very well-rounded and knowledgeable woman. At that point she doesn’t have to do much to earn my respect.
Yes, I am college educated and have been reading books since I was a little kid. Reading a book enables your mind to grow and your imagination to run wild, no matter what the subject matter is. I will be honest, when I see a match write ” I don’t read books or it’s been forever”,typically along with the rest of his profile, I close the match. Hint to non readers, GO TO THE LIBRARY!
YES it matters! I am married to a non-reader. She says I act bored around her. Well…I am. There is not much to talk about outside of the day-to-day stuff of bills, kids, and fixing the car. Her intellectual curiosity is pretty negligible and she resents me for mine. Next life, I’ll take this litmus test more seriously!
I have been a avid reader since 2nd grade, I read on the average over 300 books per year. I have never known anyone who loves to read as I do. I would always prefer to read a good book more than watch a movie. Therefore over the years I have accepted that most individuals have very busy lives and TV, movies, and other medium is their escape, both men and women are under such stress and the world moves so fast that a good book is my way to relax and escape the world. I truly enjoy all types of reading, biographies, history, music, fiction, self help along with medicine, science etc. I attended universities for may years, and trained myself to read very quickly. If I were to exclude all men and/or women from my life simply because I judged them to be non intelligent do to the fact that they were not readers, I am afraid I would be a very lonely person. I was married for a long time to an avid reader and I found that he was more of an observer rather than a participant in life. Me, myself and I prefer friend be they may or female to be a more well rounded involved person. I therefore would not exclude an individual from my life who was not a reader. Your mate, will never be able to fill all your needs, the more friends you have to share your life with is what makes for a very interesting and exciting life.
bravo
There are a lot of improper generalizations being made by such enlightened readers. I’m a member of Mensa- IQ in the top 2% in the world, and I don’t read. So if all you saw in my profile was “I don’t like to read” you would automatically make judgements about my intelligence and intellectual curiosity? I am interested in a lot of topics but I explore them in other ways, such as finding things on the internet or on TV related to them, or actually going out and DOING things instead of just reading about them. And I am a wiz at crosswords so you can’t say I don’t love words and don’t know how to think about language either.
My point is, if you are using that question as a screener for intelligence and language skills, you’re getting a lot of false negatives and ruling out a lot of people unfairly. What matters is how big a part of your lifestyle reading is and if that is a match for you. For me, I don’t care how smart someone is- if they spend more time reading than actually doing things in life, that’s not a good match for me.
I agree with your sentiments. The difference between astronomers and astronauts.
Totally agree. I love to read but that only involves one person. The real world and real experiences are waiting. Dont be so stuck up ‘readers’ I find that to be unintelligent.
When I review profiles I read the general comments and look at photos and then look to the “last read” section. Sometimes I am moderately interested prior to seeing what the person reads, and have my interests raised by a sense of compatibility in reading choices. Other times I’m very interested, but find that interest wane if the person doesn’t read.
I do take issue with what I feel is a misjudgment of “non-intellectuals” by many academics. I have advanced degrees in English Literature and read over 100 books a year. I don’t find the same intellectual stimulation in movies, though I like movies as well. I feel most academics tend to grow arrogant about their ability to think well and look down on those who do not have their training in their field. It is a highly undemocratic sentiment.
I think that the general public has a better grasp on what makes for a good story to read than anyone with excessive exposure to literary theory. We are in danger if we start taking our schooling quite that seriously.
Still, if you only read romance novels or People magazine, there will be large portions of my interior experiences that you may not be able to understand, and a great many references, allusions, quotations and related humor that arise in dialogue with me that will prevent true comparability.
Yet, who can tell? If I share books with someone and they shake me out of my safe, literary existence more than I’m bound to do on my own by inviting me into something they love, it could be a match I would never have predicted. All the best stories tell me that’s the way these things go. ;0)
READER…Male or Female??
Question, with your educational background, why is it that schools will continue to have reading lists that are the same as they were
40 or 50 years ago.
Just can’t understand that. I know that they are considered the best of the best…there there has to be some that are more current that are also qualified.
Just wondering your opinion.
Hope some day someone cause you to take that trip out of your safe literary world..it seems to be a very big world out there to visit.
Bravo, Reader!
My ex actually cited the fact that I didn’t read as one of her reasons why I wasn’t “the one.” Nevermind the fact that I loved and cared for her deeply and wanted to have a life together with her, the fact that I didn’t read was a deal-breaker for her.
The person’s answer to the question regarding what he has read recently is one of the most important indicators of compatibility to me in terms of both what he reads and how much he reads. Reading is a central element of my life, and someone who doesn’t read would not be a good match for me. People who don’t read good books have a fundamentally different mindset and inhabit a profoundly different reality than those of us who do–I’m not implying one is better or worse than the other, but they are different.
Oh boy, am I going to be in trouble…
I do not like to read books. If asked what was the last book I read, I would not even know, maybe somewhere years ago while in school…many years ago.
I seem to always be reading, but not books.
I picked up a hobby of trying to understand investing when I was 15 years old so in the past 40 years I have read truck loads of articles, newsletters, annual reports and so on, for fun and enjoyment.When I see someone reading I am happy for them because I know that they are enjoying something that i never aquired a taste for.
I remember being in London and for some reason I walked into the most remakable book store.
I must have walked around for about an hour looking and admiring all the people enjoying looking, reading and buying the books.
Since I am in the health field, I drifted to the area that had books from my field. After looking at many books, I found one that was remarkable and by far the best I had ever seen on the subject. It turned out that the author lived six miles from me in the USA.
I did buy the book but enjoyed most, the contact with the auther after I got home.
From a young age, I have always felt that using the mind to day dream or think was a much better use of that time than reading a book.I remember a nun in high school pulling me aside one day and she asked me why it seemed so difficult for me to read Great Expectations. I rememeber my answer to her.
With some fear of being hit, I responded, I would rather spend this time thinking about and planning out my own great expections. She smiled and said, I bet you could fill a book,but in the mean time, read this one.
Alexandria brought up a good point about intellectual lifestyle and the lack thereof in the process of the matching. Maybe that’s why none of my matches pan out. I can usually tell right away from their profile and how well they write if there is enough intellectual stimulation to hold my interest. But I give the benefit of the doubt if there seems to be something there.
As another avid reader, I must agree with my ‘fellows’ (regardless of gender). To read means keeping the mind active, ever on the prowl for greater depth and breadth of understanding. That question is one of the first ones I check when examining a profile as it speaks volumes on the nature, intersts, and overall orientation of the owner of that profile. While it is not the only, or even the most important, indicator it has often been the deciding one when the decision whether or not to pursue contact is a close one.
To date, I have made only one solid contact here, and one of the major elements in our ongoing journey of friendship is intellectual compatibility, which was initially flagged by the question on reading.
I think reading is important .I read mostly non fiction..i like real stories although there are great fiction books out there ..its what i like.IM not a book worm and would not want to be with someone who is reading all the time ..do you need a partner for that.IM more into research / learning and sharing.So does it matter ? i guess so
I’m not a member of EH, but just happened upon this thread.
I 200% agree with Scott and Alexandra! I am a reader. I don’t care how intelligent (on whatever scale — IQ, creativity, etc.) someone is, I would only date another reader. This belief is based on both experience and observation. I don’t care what they read, as long as they read some type of good literature, at least “occasionally.” Magazines, self-help books, and work-related material do not count. Sure, they’re ok and I read them at times, but my reading is hardly limited to them.
Additionally, let me throw this personal belief into the mix: I like BOTH fiction and non-fiction, and can’t imagine limited myself to one or the other. I CRINGE when I read (or hear) someone say something to thw effect of they “only read non-fiction because they want to learn something.” Yes, they mean learn “facts.” That type of concrete thinking style does not work with me. One can learn sooo much from non-fiction; quite frankly, it takes a more nunances and nimble mind, IMO, as the “facts” are not presented in black/white for you. You need to THINK a bit, and come to your only conclusions about the take-home messages.
Some people’s comments seem defensive (as in “I am intelligent and curious about the world, but do not read.”). Nobody is saying non-readers can’t be very intelligent. Personally, I don’t find non-readers truly as curious-minded as readers, but, again, nobody is saying that *some* non-readers may be curious. What we readers who are interested in dating other readers are saying is that this criteria is important to US.
One comment to add to Scott’s and Alexandra’s excellent comments:
In my mind, it’s a “likes attract” thing. I’m in a book club, I enjoy reading and words, so I just can’t imagine melding well with someone who doesn’t have a good command of the language. Imagine not ever (or rarely) being able to talk about a book (or anything written) to someone because he/she doesn’t read or is not interested? And if someone wasn’t attuned to words, he/she would likely not get some word-related humor, which I love. It seems to me that there would be other disconnects, somehow, too… kind of like a stone thrown in the water, with reverberation after reverberation.
Good discussion!
I don’t consider reading a book a leisurely activity.
I read, write, and converse freely with people no matter how “well read” they are. All this focus on books is a misguided and self edifying attempt to measure intelligence. Someone like myself may read professionally written articles, short stories, or advertisement copy all day, and prefer watching or doing anything besides scanning more pages of type. The notion that someone’s intelligence is linked to their fondness for tomes of printed text is asinine. Your correlation dismisses the internet as a vehicle for relevant and well written information and entertainment. You’re looking for a shortcut to figuring out a person’s intelligence but you’re still fishing. It irks me but I also feel a sense of sorrow for you because you may never grasp contentment in any of your pursuits.
I would have to say that I agree with JB that reading is not the only indicator of intelligence. I am a big reader – when I have time which is not often, especially since I prefer to read a book in one or two sittings and I almost never have that much time at once especially during the school year when I’m teaching. Also as Jason said, I read all day to my students and with my students during the year – I TEACH reading! So I don’t want to spend the little bit of time I have at home reading, or I have to read the next book one of my classes is reading (I teach Special Education so my students get their primary instruction elsewhere and I help them through it and reteach skills they are missing) which means that my most recent book is usually a kid’s book – In the Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson right now. That doesn’t mean in the summer during storms or late at night I don’t enjoy books of my own but I don’t have the time (or lets be real frank, the eye strength) to read that much after the work is done (usually at 10 or 11 at night after a dinner break at home). But as JB said I like to get out and DO things with my time, when I can. I have found that I learn a lot more and stretch my mind more that way as well. I’m in a choir and bell choir, both take a lot of concentration and intelligence (oh wait that is still reading, reading music, but I suppose some of you wouldn’t count that), I love to hike (ok again reading maps is critical but again its not a book), canoe, kayak, camp – all of which require knowledge and the ability to think on your feet when something goes wrong. And then there is my biggest passion which has taught me far more than any book any of you could ever give me – travel. I studied for a year in France and read so much about the culture and country before going, but nothing that I read actually prepared me for the truth of the country and I didn’t start to get to know what it is to be French or to live in that culture or what the people really think until November when I started making French friends – two months after arriving. No book could have expanded my mind the way frank conversations over a fencing match (we were the ones fencing) or a bad attempt at ice skating (by me, my friend had to keep me on my feet) did. I learned more talking to Cece and her other friends than I could have reading and my worldview changed so much in the rest of that year. The same happened with each country I visited. Every school break I went to another part of Europe and each time no matter how much I had read about it, being there was completely different, and talking to the people changed how I thought about the country more than any book has done for me on any topic. I went to Egypt to visit my best friend who was doing her grad work in Cairo last year, and even after reading everything she told me to, and all our conversations, and even having an Egyptian friend from my school in France, even with all that prior knowledge I didn’t know the people or the culture until I was there wandering the streets of Cairo, staying out late at teahouses talking religion and politics and philosophy with her local friends. I had studied the cultures and the religions (my undergrad college was Catholic originally and still run with many of the ideals of the church including mandatory religion classes – I chose Exploring Religions West: Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) but I still felt ignorant when I arrived and the experiences were the most intellectually stimulating of my life. So now it will never be enough for me to read about a place, I have to go – and hopefully I will one day visit all seven continents (I’m totally serious about Antarctica – no one believes it but I am) and multiple countries on each that has multiple countries to visit. But just because my most recently read is likely to be a school book for my students (upper elementary level) or a non-fiction book about my next planned destination (currently Nigeria) does not mean I’m not intellectual or that I have never read philosophy or other “deeper” books. After all my year in France was required because I was a French Literature major, and in fact I had to mail my books home to at least three different people because otherwise I would have gone over my import limit and I was an extremely poor (even cheap travel isn’t that cheap) college student.
Micha – just because someone doesn’t read fiction doesn’t mean that they are dull or boring. Not all non-fiction is by any means. My best friend (who is the most intelligent person I know – I feel she is way above me and I qualified for Talented and Gifted in school which has a top 10% IQ cut off) reads almost exclusively non-fiction. She has very little time to read with her job (she is a diplomat – which should answer any questions anyone had about my next destination) and does not particularly enjoy most fiction. She will read the more philosophical fiction like Camus or Satre, but she prefers non-fiction, namely political histories, travelogues, memoirs, and dissertations. All of which are interesting, have good stories to tell, and are engaging, stretching your mind, they just happen to be true. And while I am not a big fan of politics, nor memoirs as I find most of those authors to be a bit self-absorbed, I do enjoy the rest and tend to read what she recommends (though I am struggling through Eat, Pray, Love because she felt it would help with things I have been dealing with lately. I have been reading it since December and holding my “I’ve been waiting so long for you to come out” books as a reward but I can’t bring myself to start the Love section – Eat annoyed me like most memoirs, Pray I read in a day it spoke to me so much, so I’m afraid Love will hit too close to home. But without hearing the reasoning I suppose some of you would be very turned off by one book taking someone so long to read). Non-fiction can be so rich as well – fiction does not monopolize good literature.
Clyde – I think you are misinterpreting that quote. Prejudice comes out of ignorance it is not the opposite. With true knowledge one knows that you can’t judge a person or a place by a handful of people from the same background. A prejudiced statement would be that all Muslims are terrorists and hate Christians but that is complete ignorance. Walking around Cairo with a big cross on got me more respect than leaving it at home (aka my friend’s apartment) because as a religious people having a religion was important to everyone I met, but none of them cared which one as long as others were observant of the religion they claimed to belong to. Restaurants bent over backwards on Friday to make sure there was no meat or meat products in any of my food on Friday (it was Lent) because they respected that observation and devotion. And everyone condemned the idea of terrorism as a way to get what you want, especially in a country far removed from your everyday life. Knowledge and experience and getting to know so many wonderful people in my friend’s life in Cairo taught me that, but I have heard the other comment come out of ignorance here many times. So the quote is not in favor of keeping people ignorant – just the opposite, he was stating what a horrible thing ignorance turns into.
As for the original questions: 1. When I was using Eharmony I would look at those questions mostly to see what the person’s interests were. I don’t think in that way it is more important than other media but is an important piece of the whole. 2. I think it is one measure of intelligence but if someone were to write that they don’t read much because they are very busy with their work in a demanding field, or because they prefer travel and life experiences I would take those reasons into consideration as well. Someone saying they don’t read because its boring and they would rather watch NASCAR, I would see as a lack of intelligence, but if they are filling that time with another intellectual activity I would consider it the same as reading more when looking at intelligence. 3. I would say that what they read would matter more, it doesn’t have to be things I like (as I said my best friend and I have very different tastes in books but she is still the most compatible person to me personality-wise that I know and we always have lots to talk about), but it does have to be more than fluff like trashy romance novels, or gossip magazines, or sports magazines. 4. I try to read when I can but I also enjoy magazines and online articles and blogs so not all my reading is books and I don’t often have time for more than something really short anyway – at least not during the school year (but that is what breaks are for!)
Pedmehlc,
I was scrowling fast and didn’t read your first paragraph, went back, and realized why you made such perfect sense, your a language teacher too! LOL Don’t forget a NASCAR fan can also be the most adventurious, curious, intellectually stimulating OPPOSITE that you every fell in love with. Do most people here think we should be looking for someone just like us? Is that where I miss this whole relationship thing? I wouldn’t be surprized. I think someone that is just like me is boring, whether they think reading is boring is really not relevent. Help?
Just a couple observations…
This doesn’t need to be a debate on which is a more valid lifestyle – reading vs non-reading. It is simply whether or not the question is important. I am a voracious reader – I also go to happy hour, run with the dog, and all other sorts of things that allow me to ‘experience life’ too. Still, I get great satisfaction from devouring a book. I don’t understand those who don’t get that.
And this (in my opinion) is the crux of the matter. You can glimpse in this thread how most people who read can’t imagine a world without books, and those who don’t read would can’t imagine ‘wasting’ time with a book when they can be ‘experiencing’ life in the way in which they find most satisfying. It is like people who learn by pictures vs lecture vs reading. It is a different way of processing life.
Someone above asked if you could apply this question to music? I think the answer is yes. I listen to the radio, sometimes I download a song I like, and I will tap my feet to the band in the background at the bar. Obviously, it isn’t anything I put any time or energy into. Nevertheless, from my online dating experience, the detail in which some people describe their musical taste and passion for live music has made me realize that the part music plays in my life probably qualifies as a fundamental difference in how I (vs these others) investigate the world and express curiosity. It is the same for me with reading. It doesn’t make all non-readers stupid any more than my minimal interest in music makes me…well, I don’t know what word they would use..but you get the point.
Readers vs non-readers – we’re just different (I really believe that) but it’s ok. Really.
Personally, I love to read. But I don’t care if the person I’m with shares that passion. I’m not with the person for how many books they’ve read, or if they like the same genres as me or even if they like books. It’s all the other things that matters more to me, like how they treat me, whether or not they respect me and really care about me.
My partner doesn’t read a lot. He reads if he has to or if he finds the odd article that interests him, but as far as books go, he doesn’t read at all. Personally he prefers comics and mangas. That’s fine with me, and to be honest, I don’t mind comics or mangas either. But I do like books with a little more substance and not so many pictures as well.
A person’s likes and dislikes are what set us apart from everyone else. If we were all the same, we would be extremely boring. Whether or not our partner reads or not, shouldn’t really be a factor in a relationship. Unless you really like to discuss the books you’ve read or not read with your partner. Quite frankly, I prefer to talk about other things than the books I’ve read or haven’t read or want to read. It bores me just as much as it probably bores other people. Unless you like that kind of thing.
If someone likes to be with someone else that reads a lot and reads varying genres of books, that’s great. But I personally think there’s more important things than what’s on your bookshelf, or not.
I love to read, and it irritates me when there are typos….like “read a movie” (as written in this article)
It’s important to me that my man reads. His choice of reading material is just as important.
I am a reading snob. One of the first things I do when visiting a new acquaintance’s house is to wander over to the bookshelf. I immediately get a sense of what matters to the individual. Books also are a wonderful platform for non-superficial conversation. If someone doesn’t have books in the house, I feel confused! I am sure there are great guys out there that don’t read books, but they are not for me!
I know that experience is the best teacher but reading is excellent way of learning too. I believe that reading is good for the mind just like physical exercise is for the body. A person who reads is going to be more able to carry on a decent conversation much better than one that doesn’t. I don’t think it matters what you read as long as you read. It is relaxing, it ignites the imagination and it’s for darn sure the more you read, the more educated you become.
Yes, I absolutely pay attention to that section. If the lady says she does not read, I archive here without glancing at the rest of her profile.
I’m also sort of a book snob. If she has Dan Brown (among others) as her favorite author or one of his books as her favorite – archive.
As a person who reads every day, it matters to me. I like that question, because it tells me if my matches actually read, and what they read. Reading is something I really enjoy doing, and I want my future partner to read to, just as I want a most of my major interests to be shared by my future partner.
Please do not take the reading question out.
)
I am a young 65 year old that reads 3 books a week and whether a person read or not would matter. But it would not be a deal breaker, just sayin (had to say sayin for the word police,
To me, what a person reads is much more important even than educational background. I know dozens of people who have “earned” their degrees and still have absolutely no ability to carry a meaningful conversation. Knowing what books to read is immensely important to the development of a person’s character. Give me a Will Hunting over a spoiled Harvard brat with no grit or actual knowledge of the world any day of the week!
We need to know where this world has come from to be able to direct where it is going. And as I’m not in the least bit interested in sitting by the side lines as the main-stream media defines the future for me, it is all the more important that I be with someone who would be willing to compose a little social counterpoint with me.
Reading, as opposed to watching TV, is an interactive activity. Each reader is an equal partner in the outcome of every good book. It’s a beautiful set up in which another human being’s thoughts are mingled with your own. It’s open communication at its finest: no agendas, no spectators, just reader and author sharing a silent, meaningful conversation for its own sake. I’ve found that the best dates share those same qualities. Reading keeps us human in the age of gigabytes and megapixels. Keep the question, please.
For me, reading is something that I do. I learned most of what I know including repairing of televisions, antiques, home repair and nearly everything else through going to the library and getting a book.
I enjoyed sharing time with my late wife reading in our chairs at night.
Someone who has developed the art of reading has learned to also entertain themselves and often has a world outside mine and everyones else.
john
Whether a person reads or not is hugely important. Please keep this question in your profile list. I like the comment that reading is an aquired skill. Watching TV or movies is entertainment. Reading regularly and what a person reads gives great insight into their personhood. Also, choosing what to place in this space as an answer speaks volumes about their interests and sometimes their values.
Elroy
I’d love to meet someone who can cherish a good read. As with anything, moderation is always key and you are what you read/see/eat. Does reading signify someone being more intelligent? Don’t know, but you gotta know what you like/love in a person. Myself? A good book on the beach with a cool drink and my mate by my side is my vision of heaven!!
I’m interested to know what men read. I was talking to a man a while ago and i asked him who was his favorite author. He said Thomas Pynchon. I was impressed! That is a quality author that i have yet to tackle. That man is definitely on my radar now.
I think it is a must to be matched with someone who reading for pleasure and not just work. It tells me that he can actually sit still for awhile and concenstrate on something instead of having to be “entertained” all the time. It let’s me know that he can really stop and “smell the roses”.
1. Do you see the books a person reads as more or less important than the movies they read, the music they like and the television shows they watch?
Without a doubt!
2. Do you think that reading books are any indicator of intelligence? In all honesty, do you perceive a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television?
Absolutely!
3. What matters more to you a) That a person reads at all. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve.
It is VERY important to me that my potential partner enjoys reading similar books to me. I love to read and this shows me that we have yet one more thing in common. It also tells me that this person is willing to learn and expand their mind.
I like knowing that if our relationship is in trouble this man can pick up a book and brush up on his techniques if needed.
4. Do you read books as a matter of habit?
I read books because it sooths me, it feeds my soul, it helps expand my mind and awareness, and it allows me to escape ‘reality’ for a while. TV leaves me feeling agitated while I find reading peaceful. We could all benefit from some quite time.
1. Do you see the books a person reads as more or less important than the movies they see, the music they like and the television shows they watch?
I think what they read is much more important. It usually shows what really interests you rather than what entertains you.
2. Do you think that reading books are any indicator of intelligence? In all honesty, do you perceive a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television?
Maybe it isn’t an indicator of intelligence but I think it is definitely an indicator or the depth of a person.
3. What matters more to you a) That a person reads at all. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve. (Let’s set aside the crazed person that lists Mein Kampf as their favorite book.)
It matters more that they read at all.
4. Do you read books as a matter of habit? I do. I always have a book in my purse for if I’m waiting in line some where orjust have a few moments to myself. I also have a bookcase full of books I am trying to get through.
Yes, reading is important and it indicates
intelligence. If a man does not read serious, important books count me out.
I would definately want to be with someone who reads. With the exception of some really weird or prejudiced material the content doesn’t matter so much as the fact that they read.
Because I spend quiet time reading I would love to find someone who did as well. I would love to know that my date didn’t feel excluded from my attention. My ideal quiet evening would be sitting on the beach, next to my man with a Long Island Ice Tea, two good books, and a blanket. That sounds just heavenly.
For me, it is completely important that he reads.
Someone who reads? Absolutely important!
1. Do you see the books a person reads as more or less important than the movies they read, the music they like and the television shows they watch? More important. Most TV is geared to an eighth grade mentality. Music is important, though also.
2. Do you think that reading books are any indicator of intelligence? YES!! In all honesty, do you perceive a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television? Pulp romances don’t count as serious reading material!!
3. What matters more to you a) That a person reads at all. YES. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve. (Let’s set aside the crazed person that lists Mein Kampf as their favorite book.)YES.
4. Do you read books as a matter of habit? Always! I read everything- books, cereal boxes, maps, magazines, newspapers… I’m a book junkie.
at one time reading was my favorite thing to do. nOw I only read for information and knowledge. not really interested in books “for fun.” in fact not at all. No i do not even own a TV. i no longer have the view if you read books you are inherently more valuable. I could put a bunch of BS titles down but why?
From my experience; it’s doesn’t necessarly measure someone’s intelligence. It’s more of a commonality thing. It would be a positive thing for me because i enjoy reading. But I’ve met some pretty inteligent people who reading may not be their forte. For some reason I have more girl friends who enjoy reading vs. male friends. I’m just “saying”.
It is hugely important that they read; I tend to believe, perhaps wrongly, but I’ve never seen it wrong, that people who don’t read are not as well informed or as intelligent as people who read.
Much more important than the TV they watch or movies they watch.
Reading stuff that is idea driven is important, if all they read is romance novels, no deal, not interested. Though, I’ve recently read some para-normal romances that were quite good. (I’m a guy, they were free on my nook, I read two in the series, quite good.)
But they need to read something for professional development and something for ideas. As a Christian, I want to know they read the Bible and ponder it and that they read other Christian books.
Yes! Reading is a must-have in a potential partner.
Verbal ability- both written & spoken- is an important part of who I am. Therefore, to connect with me mentally and emotionally, a guy needs to have a love of (& facility with) language. He doesn’t have to be a “smooth talker” or “quick of tongue” as long as he is quick of thought & can verbally spar with me (at least in e-mail or texts).
While a date/ mate need not be as avid a reader, having a basic literary repertoire at his (mental) fingertips is rather essential to understanding most of my humor.
In great books (like Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre) and in life, it’s all about the “dialogue!”
Enjoy every moment; PUNCTUATE your LIFE!
-Lizzie
Lizzie!I like everything you said! Right On!
1. Neither more or less, but just as important.
2. No difference – I read everything from Harlequin romances to Anthropology. Sometimes you just want to escape and sometimes you want to learn something.
3. That a person reads at all.
4. I almost always carry a book with me. and may have a couple on the go at the same time.
Knowing if a person reads or not and something about what KIND of books they read is another piece of the puzzle that is them and, yes, it’s an important piece, at least in my case. I look at what a person reads as sort of an invitation to “guiding their thought”. What they choose to read, they allow to take them down a certain thought path. I think it also shows that they still attempt to be in touch with their imagination. Reading teaches patience, as well. I could go on and on about the benefits of reading a book…
Other media are not the same: reading books stands alone in this regard.
I can honestly say I do not read. Going back to school to pursue my law degree, last thing I want to do is read more than I have to.
I read allot of online content to keep me informed with current facts around the world, but even when I wasn’t in school, I prefer to buy books and download them to my Ipod and listen to them since I travel allot and it is much easier to listen to them, than carry extra luggage around.
YES it matters so much!! i automatically close matches who say “i don’t read.”
reading is a sign of intelligence. if you say “i don’t read right now because i’m in school and working two jobs” or something like that, that’s fine. but if you just plain don’t read at all, that’s a major red flag to me! i want a guy who is a life-long learner who reads. no reading = closed match.
It is very important to me that my partner enjoys reading. It isn’t about intelligence. It tells me that he can relax on his own. It doesn’t matter what he enjoys reading, but similar reading interests would be more fun. Someone who reads is more apt to consider other points of view in the world, and (I think)it leads to personal growth.
1. Do you see the books a person reads as more or less important than the movies they read, the music they like and the television shows they watch?
The important thing is that they read – I’m sorry, but movies, television and music don’t demonstrate the same level of ability to focus, pay attention, or concentrate. Popular movies and TV (in general) are designed to attract people with short attention spans. To really love reading, you have to be willing to commit to something tangible for a fairly long period of time.
2. Do you think that reading books are any indicator of intelligence? In all honesty, do you perceive a difference between a person who reads pulp romance novels and a person who watches pulp romance television?
I would give someone bonus points for reading as a hobby in general; what they choose to read will either add points or deduct points, depending on the degree of thought required to complete the reading. Someone who occasionally watches pulp romance TV would not be a big deal; someone who knows the intimate details of every character on whatever soap opera is left on TV? Big problem!
3. What matters more to you a) That a person reads at all. B) That a person reads books that you admire or approve. (Let’s set aside the crazed person that lists Mein Kampf as their favorite book.)
A would get someone in the door; B would be a factor in determining compatibility. And “approve” isn’t really the issue here; it’s more “admire” or “enjoy.” “Approve” smacks of control, which is never attractive!
4. Do you read books as a matter of habit?
Yes, but not in a mindless, lack-of-forethought/choice way. I read books as a matter of choice about how to spend my leisure time, and because reading is an enjoyable hobby, it is my habit to read, rather than to watch sit-coms on TV or garden or do laundry…..
Whoever dies with the most books, WINS!
Yes, it’s important for my matches to read. Not as important that they read the same things I do, but is important that the have the discipline of reading words on a page. The attitude that “I love books! They are so decorative” is such a turn-off.
I’m always drawn to a new friend’s bookshelves. The variety of books they read inspires conversation, piques interest, keeps me curious about them.
If a persona doesn’t read it is not a match for me,period.
Reading means nothing. The titles mean a lot!
Reading is important, even if it’s just a magazine, or a how to book.
Having that question is a very nice feature… and if someone feels like they need to lie about the books they are reading in order to sound more intelligent it will be clear very quickly that they are not as smart as they are trying to sound.
I read so I can write better, relax at the end of a long day, escape reality, and have something to talk about with my friends (most of whome love to read as much as I do).
Please keep it as an option… (by the way I have a feeling that (mostly)only the readers are going to be reading this article and therefore this is going to be very one sided… lol.
1. Books are more important than movies,etc. Its a conscious decision to invest that kind of time, so it matters more I think.
2. I think reading is more active and stimulating method than TV.
3. It matters more that they read vice what they read. Some people are just not that into reading – they learn better in other ways. Also: If they have a job where all they do is read (med student, lawyer, judge, editor) then if they don’t read after work its more understandable.
4. I do read books as a matter of habit and wish I had more time to do so.
I am a woman in book publishing. Lots of female singles in that industry! And lots of rueful dating stories shared. Here’s how my publishing friends summarize a date with a non-reader: “He had to read a book once. It was in high school.” That’s what the non-reader tells you after he finds out you work in book publishing. It’s also when you know this date will not be a success: he starts acting as if he’s out with an exasperated schoolteacher, and you start to think of him as, well, not very interesting.
That leads me to a related topic: almost illiterate writing. You don’t have to be amazing, but why not try to be coherent? Spellcheck can’t hide all problems but it sure is a good start–spend the extra five seconds! Seems like those who need it most use it least. It’s hard to date a man who’s been through a “devorce” without learning how to spell it. Or who enjoys “fine dinning.” (Does that involve excessive noise?)
Sorry–I know I’m being awful, but I hope I made you laugh, at least.