Comments on: So, I’ve Been Dating Him a Month and I Find Out He’s Married… http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/ eHarmony experts’ take on dating, relationships and the science of love Mon, 11 Mar 2013 14:53:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 By: Nikita http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1838 Nikita Mon, 25 Apr 2011 11:10:19 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1838 I am in a similar situation, I know everything about not being with a married man, the consequences of not having enough self-esteem etc. The man even confesses to being a chronic cheat … he has cheated severally on his wife. All the signs are that it will end for me as it ended for those other women. Strangely, though he makes me laugh so much, I also get moments when we are together that saddness and pain make me space out – right there infront of him. I know am just pinning for romance, because when I am alone, or with my children doing something like listening to music or playing, I experience moments of real happiness. What makes this more painful is that because I am hurting, I keep lashing out at him with such viciousness, it leaves me surprised and him very hurt.

I guess what I am grasping at is inner strength to not just walk away – but rather to walk towards something better for me … to have the inner strength to keep on that path despite the pain, that is inevitable. I wonder what I can hang onto when my self esteem is so low …

Nikita

]]> By: SexyandSouthern http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1807 SexyandSouthern Sat, 23 Apr 2011 04:01:00 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1807 I am soooo glad I saw this article and read all the threads. I have faced this issue on multiple levels. I have seen married men who were having issues, resolved them and I was out. I have seen married men who were ‘scum’ because they wanted it all…. to stay married, yet see who they wanted/when they wanted. And I have been seeing someone who has moved 6 states away, is separating assets and seems to be moving towards finalizing a divorce.

Here’s what it comes down to for me. I have to live with my character and my integrity. As long as a court document says ‘married’ they are married. How they choose to live their life while ‘going through the process’ is their business. For me, I have decided to back things down to ‘friends’ and wait and see what happens between now and ‘finalizing the process.’ My standards don’t give me the right to judge or be someone’s moral compass. My value as a person and as a friend is determined by being an ear to listen, speaking the truth when asked, and offering a word of encouragement when things are hard… not condemning.

The rest will sort itself out and reveal the truth in time. I get the benefit of not being hurt or compromising my character while I build a foundation of friendship. I also keep my ‘parking space’ open for an available, GREAT man to walk into my life!

]]> By: Annie http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1750 Annie Fri, 22 Apr 2011 01:54:27 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1750 I am truly sorry to read what you had gone through, I would not comment if I am not. Please don’t blame yourself or any other, you never know when love strikes. It is ok to feel what you are feeling right now. Let it all out then move on again. In order to find happiness again, we must learn to be happy with our self first.

I just started reading these posts/comments on here (eharmony) but feel as though I have been down some of the same paths. This is sort of a reminder for myself when I fall.

]]> By: TwirlMySkirt http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1665 TwirlMySkirt Thu, 14 Apr 2011 19:22:22 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1665 Whether it’s lying about your age or your marital status, there is no excuse for that dishonesty. It robs people of their right to choose based on the facts. I would feel so violated in either one of those cases.

]]> By: Leigh Williams http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1639 Leigh Williams Thu, 14 Apr 2011 04:15:06 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1639 Nicely said. I agree completely.

]]> By: Janet http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1565 Janet Sat, 09 Apr 2011 19:12:31 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1565 I have a friend who was very attracted to a younger man. She is 62 he is 38 and she looks much younger, about 46-48. My friend did not tell her real age and told him she was 46. the younger guy told her at first that he had a girlfriend, but later on maybe weeks later the younger guy started to pursue my friend.He told her that he had broken up with his girlfriend. They talked at first on the phone then they started to see each other. It ended up they had sex and after that he seemed no longer interested. Even though she knows she lied to him about her age she still feels this strong attraction to him. I told her that it never could have worked out anyway because of the age difference.

]]> By: notyourmothersadvice http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1533 notyourmothersadvice Fri, 08 Apr 2011 18:46:20 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1533 My perspective on this is completely different than 99% of people who will ever have an opinion, let alone comment. Because of my own life experiences, I can tell you that you cannot make a blanket statement about all people/men/women who are still married when you meet them.

What matters is what they are actually going through as they leave their marriage, and the real reasons they are not leaving, or are in the process of leaving. If you really want to protect yourself, and you’re the one who’s not married and are waiting for the other person to become unhooked from a bad marriage, then by all means, tell them, I will wait for you for six months; by then, you should have your life together enough to actually be out of the marriage, have your own place to live (or be living together).

Marriages hang together for all kinds of reasons, but the bottom line is emotional dependency. If you can afford, financially, to get out of the relationship, but you haven’t yet, it’s either because you’re still in love with the person (worst case scenario for the one who’s waiting) or because you’re emotionally dependent. Sometimes the best (or only) catalyst for getting someone who is stuck out of a bad situation is an ultimatum.

They are not a good idea 99% of the time, but every now and then, an ultimatum is necessary. Now, does meeting a married person and falling for them, and having them fall for you mean they will always “cheat”? No, it does not. That does not follow as the night the day. For one thing, if their marriage is truly over (not something anyone on the outside can ever judge) they are not cheating, they are leaving.

Cheating is: we share the same bed, I haven’t told her I want to leave, and I’m with you under cover of darkness. That’s cheating. Leaving is: I told her I’m leaving, I am living in a different room or a different house altogether, and I am in the process of changing my life so she’s no longer my wife/he’s no longer my husband.

That means, they are changing their will, they are separating bank accounts, they are doing all the preliminary work of having a separate life. In other words, eharmony readers, look at details, don’t just assume all married people are automatically evil, misguided, or “cheating.”

Cheating is not what this is about for a lot of people who meet someone and fall for them. Then they have a reason to leave a bad marriage they should never have gotten into in the first place, and just like people who have been imprisoned, should not be penalized by society for making a bad decision.

Now, if the person is just an idiot and makes consistently bad decisions, and you are another one of those, that’s different, but judging everyone harshly gets us nowhere as a species.

]]> By: TwirlMySkirt http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1507 TwirlMySkirt Wed, 06 Apr 2011 19:32:21 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1507 Cut your losses and get out fast before he does even more damage (like robbing and wasting a decade of your life). Not only is he cheating on his wife, but he lied to you for an entire month about his marital status while you trusted and fell in love with him. There’s a place for him at the end of this life and you too if you continue on this path.

]]> By: Roseytoes http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1485 Roseytoes Sun, 03 Apr 2011 19:17:46 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1485 You were a good friend to Melissa, and gave her a reality check! We all need friends strong enough to do that for us!

Stepping back a bit, I wonder why this guy’s marriage was on the rocks in the first place–could his wife have caught him cheating at least once already?

Maybe not, but it’s worth Melissa’s consideration.

Very few things in life are black and white, but cheating is always unacceptable. It’s selfish. Melissa’s lover showed what he’s made of from the first moment that he cheated on his wife, and then he took it further: he was willing to hurt Melissa from the start, lving a lie while he knew she was falling harder and harder for him. By doing so, he narrowed her options and complicated her life.

Also, from experience I can say that what a man tells others about his current relationship at home, is often very different from what the woman in his life at home has been led to believe.

Melissa’s guy is bad news, and he will do the same thing to her that he’s doing to his wife.

]]> By: angela http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2011/03/30/so-ive-been-dating-him-a-month-and-i-find-out-he%e2%80%99s-married%e2%80%a6/#comment-1470 angela Fri, 01 Apr 2011 21:16:11 +0000 http://advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=7956#comment-1470 I met a guy on facebook in Jan. I had known him (he was older) but knew his family really well since the late 70′s. Found him in my same town! We hit if off really quick. After 2 weeks, he tearfully told me his wife had left him a yr ago and ran off with another man. He SAID he was gonna file that next month and said he would understand if I never wanted to see him again. Well, like a fool, I kept seeing him. Fell really hard for him. Then she came back into his life and they are together now. I have been SO HEARTBROKEN and hurt, angry, humiliated, all of the above. Just trying to pick up the pieces now. Kicking myself! Could have, would have, should haves….painful lesson learned. Have never felt this way about anyone in my 48 years! I just have to go on. Nothing I can do. My sister says the best revenge is to live well. I have gotten all sorts of advice but I have to ultimately get past it on my own. I was just a diversion and back up plan in case she did not come back into his life again.
I SAY that I will NEVER let it happen again. I do have the low self esteem and have to learn to love myself again and be happy with me and to not put up with what I know will lead me down the wrong road again, a place of hurt, anger at him and myself and sadness.

]]>