Yes, this is how the conversation went around my dinner table a few nights ago. A friend – Melissa, early 30’s, is sharing her relationship crisis. She met this man on a conference trip and it was as if they were made for each other. They spent 4 days arm-in-arm strolling the streets of Chicago together, and as she tells it, “I was in love before the end of the second day.” He was perfect. They exchanged information and set a date to get together once they were back in California. Bliss.
The good times continued back on the west coast, and after a month of these fun and passionate dates she was deeply in love with this new man. It was only then that he said, “So, I think I should tell you that I’m still married. I’m not in love with my wife anymore, and she’s not in love with me, but I do live with her while we sort things out.”
Knowing Melissa for so long, I would’ve expect her to stand up, turn tail, and walk right out of the restaurant full of anger and indignation, but she couldn’t. “Grant, I really love this man. If there’s a chance that he’s leaving his wife. I want to be with him.” And then she asked me what I was hoping she wouldn’t ask, “What do you think I should do?”
It’s always good to answer that question with another questions: “Do you want my unvarnished opinion or do you just want me to support your decision?”
Which is really a pointless question to ask because most people say “yes” when they mean “no,” and she was no exception.
I started, “Melissa, my tendency in life is to play the odds. There have been people who have jumped out of airplanes and survived when their parachute didn’t open, but the odds are heavily against it, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Have there ever, in the history of the world, been relationships that started with one person in a marriage that have gone on to succeed and be happy? Of course. In my experience the odds are heavily against it and I don’t recommend it.
Let’s consider the possibilities:
• He’s completely lying about the status of his marriage. You are only a fun diversion, and he has no plans to leave the relationship.
• He’s bored with his marriage and wants to leave, for reasons that will likely reoccur eventually in his relationship with you.
• He’s unhappy in his relationship and would like to leave, but for a variety of reasons never will – while you wait in the wings.
• If he’s telling the truth, he’s established that when his marital relationship has tough times he will cheat. Could you marry him knowing this about him?
And perhaps one more that is a little more big-picture – If you’re interested in this man for marriage, and I know that you are, you’re going to be lashing yourself to him for a long, long time. (hopefully) One of the most important traits you need to vet in a potential life-partner is, “Does this person make good, solid, decisions most of the time?” In fact, eHarmony Founder and Psychologist Neil Clark Warren uses that criteria as a big determinate of emotional health. If a person is making good solid decisions over and over they, most likely, have good emotional health. Does this man, who you are considering, seem to be making good decisions?
If his wife is a terrible shrew, is this romance with you a good decision? Is it a good decision for his children?”
Of course, she didn’t want to hear any of this. “You’re ignoring the fact that he could be telling the truth and within 6 months we could be together!” I wasn’t ignoring that possibility, I just considered it such a low likelihood that I didn’t spend much time with it. Even if it happened it wouldn’t have changed most of my points.
Finally, we got down to the real issue. Melissa said, “Grant, you think there’s a great guy under every rock dying to be with me. There’s not! The good ones are married and if I keep waiting around I’m never going to find a great person!” So, in the end it was a self-esteem issue. What she was saying was, “Not many men want me. I have to make some big concessions to find a guy, and all things considered this is the best I can do.”
To hear an attractive, successful, young woman sit at my kitchen table and basically say, “Nobody wants me,” was a heartbreaking lesson in how low self-esteem kind completely blind a person to their market value. She simply didn’t believe that any decent man would want to date her. When this man expressed interest she jumped because she couldn’t believe he would want her. She was selling her own values down the river for a chance at a relationship – even if the chances of it succeeding were considerably low.
I won’t tell you that Melissa left with a big smile on her face that night. I tried to backpedal, “Hey, I’ve been wrong about plenty of stuff in the past.” But she knew that I probably wasn’t wrong this time. My final suggestion, which perhaps I should’ve said first was, “Why not tell him that you can’t see him until he is divorced and out on his own? You can start from a little more of a clean slate.”
But of course the damage/help was already done. The next time someone says, “What do you think I should do?” I’m going to say, “Go to Disneyland!”
Grant Langston — Vice President, Content and Customer Experience
Jeannie Assimos, — Director of Content
Marni Battista — Relationship Expert
Monique A Honaman — Author
Dr. Seth Meyers — Licensed clinical psychologist
Sarah Schmermund, M.A. — M.A.
I think you are a great friend. You tried to save your friend some heartache. Sadly, good advice is asked for but seldom taken. I’m glad you told her the truth whether she wanted to hear it or not. I think that’s what a good friend does.
I am currently in a realtionship much like the one mentioned above; however I was married when I met this man and we became quite close..my husband passed away and grew closer. We live in different states and meet once a month. I did not expect it to develop into anything really…I was confused and lonely and he was a comfort. He says he wants to be with me and is making plans to exit his current life..but as of yet has not.. I have been given similar advice from all of my friends…many which are men….they happen to be the most adamant about it. I am much older than this young lady, 55, yet I have had many opportunities to date other men. I did however, fall in love with this man. I am actually a part of e-harmony and I am leaving my options open even though it is very difficult for me… I do know in my heart that what this article and my friends say is “in general” truth. That is the problem, most of us tend to think our situation is “special”.. Well I had to comment as I have been really struggling with this issue. I have been in this relationship for over a year..unlike this young lady..
I second Paulette’s emotion. You may have opened Melissa’s eyes, and she’ll be thinking about what you said, even if her first tendency was to shoot the messenger.
I’ve dealt with self-esteem issues myself, and it wasn’t until I talked to a guy friend that I started to think about them. That was my first step in changing them. My friend asked me why I was still single, and I said, “I just haven’t met the right guy yet.” And he said, “No, that’s not it. Something else is going on.” He hinted at low self-confidence, and I realized after some soul-searching that he was right.
As the writer Erica Jong said, “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
Thanks guys for the feedback. It is really hard when you get attached to someone. It’s hard to see the situation clearly, because your heart is involved.
The thing about self-esteem, it’s the hardest thing to fix and the easiest thing to fix.
I hear you brother. So how do I fix it?
That’s okay, I won’t rely on you to be my psychologist. I’ve read up on things to do actually; it’s a matter of implementing them and not just talking about them.
I met a guy on facebook in Jan. I had known him (he was older) but knew his family really well since the late 70′s. Found him in my same town! We hit if off really quick. After 2 weeks, he tearfully told me his wife had left him a yr ago and ran off with another man. He SAID he was gonna file that next month and said he would understand if I never wanted to see him again. Well, like a fool, I kept seeing him. Fell really hard for him. Then she came back into his life and they are together now. I have been SO HEARTBROKEN and hurt, angry, humiliated, all of the above. Just trying to pick up the pieces now. Kicking myself! Could have, would have, should haves….painful lesson learned. Have never felt this way about anyone in my 48 years! I just have to go on. Nothing I can do. My sister says the best revenge is to live well. I have gotten all sorts of advice but I have to ultimately get past it on my own. I was just a diversion and back up plan in case she did not come back into his life again.
I SAY that I will NEVER let it happen again. I do have the low self esteem and have to learn to love myself again and be happy with me and to not put up with what I know will lead me down the wrong road again, a place of hurt, anger at him and myself and sadness.
I am truly sorry to read what you had gone through, I would not comment if I am not. Please don’t blame yourself or any other, you never know when love strikes. It is ok to feel what you are feeling right now. Let it all out then move on again. In order to find happiness again, we must learn to be happy with our self first.
I just started reading these posts/comments on here (eharmony) but feel as though I have been down some of the same paths. This is sort of a reminder for myself when I fall.
You were a good friend to Melissa, and gave her a reality check! We all need friends strong enough to do that for us!
Stepping back a bit, I wonder why this guy’s marriage was on the rocks in the first place–could his wife have caught him cheating at least once already?
Maybe not, but it’s worth Melissa’s consideration.
Very few things in life are black and white, but cheating is always unacceptable. It’s selfish. Melissa’s lover showed what he’s made of from the first moment that he cheated on his wife, and then he took it further: he was willing to hurt Melissa from the start, lving a lie while he knew she was falling harder and harder for him. By doing so, he narrowed her options and complicated her life.
Also, from experience I can say that what a man tells others about his current relationship at home, is often very different from what the woman in his life at home has been led to believe.
Melissa’s guy is bad news, and he will do the same thing to her that he’s doing to his wife.
Cut your losses and get out fast before he does even more damage (like robbing and wasting a decade of your life). Not only is he cheating on his wife, but he lied to you for an entire month about his marital status while you trusted and fell in love with him. There’s a place for him at the end of this life and you too if you continue on this path.
My perspective on this is completely different than 99% of people who will ever have an opinion, let alone comment. Because of my own life experiences, I can tell you that you cannot make a blanket statement about all people/men/women who are still married when you meet them.
What matters is what they are actually going through as they leave their marriage, and the real reasons they are not leaving, or are in the process of leaving. If you really want to protect yourself, and you’re the one who’s not married and are waiting for the other person to become unhooked from a bad marriage, then by all means, tell them, I will wait for you for six months; by then, you should have your life together enough to actually be out of the marriage, have your own place to live (or be living together).
Marriages hang together for all kinds of reasons, but the bottom line is emotional dependency. If you can afford, financially, to get out of the relationship, but you haven’t yet, it’s either because you’re still in love with the person (worst case scenario for the one who’s waiting) or because you’re emotionally dependent. Sometimes the best (or only) catalyst for getting someone who is stuck out of a bad situation is an ultimatum.
They are not a good idea 99% of the time, but every now and then, an ultimatum is necessary. Now, does meeting a married person and falling for them, and having them fall for you mean they will always “cheat”? No, it does not. That does not follow as the night the day. For one thing, if their marriage is truly over (not something anyone on the outside can ever judge) they are not cheating, they are leaving.
Cheating is: we share the same bed, I haven’t told her I want to leave, and I’m with you under cover of darkness. That’s cheating. Leaving is: I told her I’m leaving, I am living in a different room or a different house altogether, and I am in the process of changing my life so she’s no longer my wife/he’s no longer my husband.
That means, they are changing their will, they are separating bank accounts, they are doing all the preliminary work of having a separate life. In other words, eharmony readers, look at details, don’t just assume all married people are automatically evil, misguided, or “cheating.”
Cheating is not what this is about for a lot of people who meet someone and fall for them. Then they have a reason to leave a bad marriage they should never have gotten into in the first place, and just like people who have been imprisoned, should not be penalized by society for making a bad decision.
Now, if the person is just an idiot and makes consistently bad decisions, and you are another one of those, that’s different, but judging everyone harshly gets us nowhere as a species.
Nicely said. I agree completely.
I am soooo glad I saw this article and read all the threads. I have faced this issue on multiple levels. I have seen married men who were having issues, resolved them and I was out. I have seen married men who were ‘scum’ because they wanted it all…. to stay married, yet see who they wanted/when they wanted. And I have been seeing someone who has moved 6 states away, is separating assets and seems to be moving towards finalizing a divorce.
Here’s what it comes down to for me. I have to live with my character and my integrity. As long as a court document says ‘married’ they are married. How they choose to live their life while ‘going through the process’ is their business. For me, I have decided to back things down to ‘friends’ and wait and see what happens between now and ‘finalizing the process.’ My standards don’t give me the right to judge or be someone’s moral compass. My value as a person and as a friend is determined by being an ear to listen, speaking the truth when asked, and offering a word of encouragement when things are hard… not condemning.
The rest will sort itself out and reveal the truth in time. I get the benefit of not being hurt or compromising my character while I build a foundation of friendship. I also keep my ‘parking space’ open for an available, GREAT man to walk into my life!
I have a friend who was very attracted to a younger man. She is 62 he is 38 and she looks much younger, about 46-48. My friend did not tell her real age and told him she was 46. the younger guy told her at first that he had a girlfriend, but later on maybe weeks later the younger guy started to pursue my friend.He told her that he had broken up with his girlfriend. They talked at first on the phone then they started to see each other. It ended up they had sex and after that he seemed no longer interested. Even though she knows she lied to him about her age she still feels this strong attraction to him. I told her that it never could have worked out anyway because of the age difference.
Whether it’s lying about your age or your marital status, there is no excuse for that dishonesty. It robs people of their right to choose based on the facts. I would feel so violated in either one of those cases.
I am in a similar situation, I know everything about not being with a married man, the consequences of not having enough self-esteem etc. The man even confesses to being a chronic cheat … he has cheated severally on his wife. All the signs are that it will end for me as it ended for those other women. Strangely, though he makes me laugh so much, I also get moments when we are together that saddness and pain make me space out – right there infront of him. I know am just pinning for romance, because when I am alone, or with my children doing something like listening to music or playing, I experience moments of real happiness. What makes this more painful is that because I am hurting, I keep lashing out at him with such viciousness, it leaves me surprised and him very hurt.
I guess what I am grasping at is inner strength to not just walk away – but rather to walk towards something better for me … to have the inner strength to keep on that path despite the pain, that is inevitable. I wonder what I can hang onto when my self esteem is so low …
Nikita