If you could listen in on the private conversations of happy couples, what would you find? Researchers interested in finding out this answer recorded everyday conversations of ten satisfied couples over one week. The ten cohabiting and committed couples wore wireless microphones everyday they were home together. Researchers then coded two days of conversation for each of the couples – grouping bits of conversations into segments of thought. For example, “I love you, but I just don’t want to talk about this right now” was divided into two segments for analysis.
What was the most common topic of conversation? Me, myself, and I. Participants talked about themselves over a quarter of the time they were with their partners. They also made general observations, talked about other people, television programs, and their partner’s experiences.
Couples in this study had relatively little conflict (.08% of the total coded segments), although when they did happen, fights were more likely to occur on the weekends. Surprisingly, happy couples in this study also had relatively few positive statements (1%), like giving partners compliments and expressing verbal affection. They also made few humorous attempts (3%).
Were you expecting more overt positivity and humor from couples in these happy relationships? While it often takes many phrases and statements to describe complex ideas – like the events of your day – it can only take as little as one phrase or sentence to communicate a positive affirmation like “I love you.” It is also important to note that this study focuses on verbal conversation, and leaves out other types of non-verbal communication like holding hands or hugging that may have been occurring during these conversations.
This study shows that even in happy relationships, couples engage in a lot of mundane talk, using conversation to negotiate their daily lives together – like sharing experiences of times when they are apart and making plans for the future. Everyday conversation becomes the heart of the relationship and a means through which relationships are maintained.
This study also suggests that there is more opportunity for people to inject statements of positivity, humor, and gratitude in their relationships. Given that positivity and humor is a relatively limited occurrence even in happy relationships, a little extra positivity in the relationship may go a long way.
Find more from Dr. Erina Lee on eHarmonyLabs.com.
Further Reading:
Alberts, J., Yoshimura, C. G., Rabby, M., & Loschiavo, R. (2005). Mapping the topography of couples’ daily conversation Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22 (3), 299-322 DOI: 10.1177/0265407505050941
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I cannot from the life of me to meet a nice, ordinary, self responsible and self reliable man aroung my age. We chat first and all goes well, we meet for lunnc or coffee & all goes well. We meet for dinner and still all goes well. I’ll plan a cocktail prarty aaaaaaaaaaat mu house, he excited comes,,,then that when the dog dropped. He’s instanctly busy after that. So I ask what happned and I get something like…u don’t need a man, there’s nonthing I can do for u. I don’t understand such comments. They are either intimidated by me or they meet me onday and want to move in within a week! I can’t seem to win for loosing. CAN EHARMONY HELP ME?????????
Hi Mimi,
I’m curious, why do you think men say “there’s nothing I can do for you”?
Grant
Sometimes it takes a few dates to really get a sense for compatibility. The first few times you’re with someone you tend to put on your best face. Over time, however, your real self starts slipping into conversation. Not necessarily anything bad, but things that the other person sees as a potential road block. For example someone may show signs of continual conflict with their family, coworkers, etc. That can be viewed as a sign that a person has some difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships. that may not be something a guy is interested in taking on. In that case, he has every right to walk away with no harm done, no complaints, no explanation. It’s not you, it’s him.
It sounds like Mimi may be a successful, independent woman, which may intimidate some men. I had similiar issues when dating. I finally met my husband on eHarmony. The comprehensive questionnaire incorporates your economic level. I felt it was important to include compatability in monetary wants and needs when dating. My eHarmony husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and are raising 6 daughters! Mimi, I hope you sign up for eHarmony and take advantage of this quality service.
I think a relationship is about two people coming together when they are right for each other. It’s not about finding someone who fits, but finding someone who’s right. If these guys can’t appreciate you for who you are, then good riddance. That said, I also think that everyone likes to feel needed and appreciated. I consider myself a strong and independent woman, too. For me, it’s hard to be so open at the beginning of a relationship, but I think if I could be more open, I would attract more people who are right for me.
Also, I like this article, but I think a relationship should be filled with more compliments and laughter. I want to be in a happy relationship, not just a satisfied one.
This article is of limited benefit. It refers to satisfied couples. “Satisfied” could mean “not dissatisfied”, “marginally happy”, “neutral”, “good”, or “euphoric.”
There should have been a control group that was “unsatisfied” for a comparison of the mundane statements made between couples. This study leaves an unresolved question: do “satisfied” and “unsatisfied” couples communicate the same?