That is the question hotly debated all over the eHarmony Advice boards. In fact, it is one of the most popular topics of discussion we have ever had with over five hundred comments. Who would’ve thought!?
Reactions from the community run the gamut from “that’s soooooo tacky” to “it makes economical sense.” Others weighed in with, “I think it’s kind of smart” or “I have to say NO to coupons and gift cards on first dates. It makes it seem like you’re a super penny pincher and while some people LOVE to bargain hunt, coupons are not the way to go on a first, second, third (date).”
Some of my favorite responses were, “If it’s McDonalds or Applebee’s two for $20 … don’t do it!” and “I freely admit to being frugal and tight with money, but even I wouldn’t use a coupon on a first date. What’s next, you ask your date to catch the bus home rather than offering a lift?”
Now, with online deals like Groupon flooding our inboxes, there is an added layer of cost-cutting complexity. So, after reading all 576 opinions, here’s where I stand on things…
First date: No coupons. No gift cards. No Groupon two-for-one deal. If you take any of our relationship advice in the first place, you won’t be at an elaborate or expensive steak house anyways, which can tend to up the “uncomfortable” factor. You really want the first meeting to be casual, cool and uncomplicated. Meet at the local taqueria (I love Mexican food!) or coffee house (not Starbucks, something with character!). The focus shouldn’t be on how much you will have to spend but really getting to know this possible love connection. The consensus is that many people do think it’s tacky. I am all for being smart with your money, but in this specific occasion, it’s not worth the risk of someone thinking you are simply frugal and writing you off.
Second date: Still no coupons. No gift cards or Groupon deals. It’s still too soon and you are just getting to know each other.
Third date: If you are feeling very comfortable and like the person already has a good sense of who you are, approach your date with a, “Hey, I got this killer Groupon deal for this place I’ve been wanting to try. Are you up for it?”
Further, use coupons on dates every so often. Not every weekend. 
For you coupon coveters, I know you will completely ignore me and that’s cool. You may even find a compatible cost-saving lover and things will work out perfectly. This is all about trying to help you find a good partner.
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well, with eHarmony, a person can select or indicate to their possible date just how frugal they happen to be. I, personally, never got into clipping coupons for restaurants, but if some people hold frugality and bargain hunting skills as highly prized personality traits that is completely up to them. If frugality is all that important to either of the people involved, best to get that out in the open early rather than be shopping for an engagement ring and whip out a coupon!
That is too funny, but a true.
After a few (4-5) coffee dates and quite a few hours talking on the phone, Mr. X decides to ask me on an official date: dinner and a movie. I dress nice for the date and he shows up at my door wearing track pants, unshaven etc., so we decided to bbq at my place instead. We run to the local grocery store where he offers to pay for the steak only. Obviously, I supply the rest of the meal, drink, etc. Then comes the best part…coupons for the movie, a coffee for himself and a courtesy cup of water for me. Yes, a cup of tap water in a paper cup at the movie theatre….and grocery store snacks to top it off. Needless to say, that was there was no second date.
LOL Sorry, but that is too funny!
Imagine if it was a date to go fishing?
Okay, seriously: isn’t it kind of decptive to suddenly surprise a fourth date with coupon clipping? If it is a deal ender to use coupons on a first date, why not on a fifth?
Obviously this is one of the many topics of discussion for a date.
Why didnt he get YOU the coffee and he take the courtesy cup of water? To put it very lightly. Looking at a self-centered person. Cant imagine what would come next. lol
A lack of class indeed…..That says it all…….
If you know the person isn’t doing great financially, money is tight with them, they’re much more likely to be understanding. If they are doing great – they can pay for the whole thing
I was taken out on a coupon date, and it didn’t bother me at all. I’m glad they saved money. I’m frugal too. The more you save on the extras, the more is left over for other things.
I think this subject divides people along the lines of Emotional/Pragmatic. If you’re really into superficial image and looking cool, you’re probably better off sticking to people who are the same way.
On another note, why have the first date be something you’re spending money on? Setting yourself up for a double whammy, get rejected and be short cash at the end of the day.
If a guy takes you to a nice upscale restaurant on 1st date you should appreciate it whether or not he uses a coupon. If you’re gonna nitpick that you’re offended because he used a coupon you’re just being a total biotsch. And every guy I’ve discussed this with agrees with me.
You’re not getting the point. And it doesn’t matter how many men you have discussed this with.
If I had any coupons I would not hesitate to use them on any date if I was paying and it was not “dutch”, which I usually insist on unless it is only coffee. I have a very limited income and if I have to pay my dates way that is probably the only date I will have for the month. Besides, it is a good way to find out if she is only looking for money. From the comments on here it sounds like most of the ladies are looking for just that.
It’s not about the money to all women Darrell. You are mis-reading a lot of comments. If your money is that tight, then go on a date where you don’t need to spend it & find out that way if she says no to your free idea before you even go on the date.
Darrell You aren’t ready to date. Not real dates anyway. Grow up, and get a decent job so you don’t misread everyone as being after your money. NO ONE is after YOUR money.
Besides why date if a couple dates is all you can afford? I am looking for a relationship and that means being able to afford supporting her and myself someday. That is what you need to concentrate on first. Being able to support yourself and potentially her.
Going “dutch” is for teenagers and when one person wants to make sure the other doesn’t start thinking this might turn into something serious.
The first “in-person encounter” I had with someone promising was going along pretty well, and we were both interested in seeing each other again. However, since it really was a “let’s see if we click” meeting, rather than a real date, I asked if he wanted me to split the bill with him, since it wasn’t really a date. He hemmed and hawed a bit and then said “yes”, and for that matter, even if it was a date he’d want to “go dutch” because his finances were so tight. It was a total attraction killer for me. I figure if he couldn’t afford a $45 dinner tab, it was highly unlikely that he was going to be able to do a lot of the things that I like to do, so I never saw him again. I happily paid 1/2 of the tab (even though his dinner was more than mine) and chalked it up to an inexpensive learning experience for me — at least I found out that he was cheap early in the game!
Jan
$45 is not inexpensive. depending on where u live of course. but seriously, if a guy dates u on a friday and someone else on a saturday and they all expect him to pay $50 range for meals/drinks that stuff adds up. personally i usually try to keep first dates to starbucks coffee because so many people expect a meal on the first date. I just think its to old fashioned and convenient for women to expect the man to pay 100% on first date when the barely know him. he’s not under any obligation to do that.
Um… You offered to split it, and then used his agreement as a reason to not see him again? Weak. I insist on paying for first date, because I’m old-school, but if she puts up a fight, I’ll let her tip or something to make her feel more comfortable. But to offer a split and then hate on him for it and call him cheap? I can see why you’re still in the dating game.
Jan,
To me there is difference between someone who cannot afford something, and someone who can but doesn’t want to spend the money. Your story makes sense to me until the last line where you label him “cheap”. If your financial situations are incompatible, that’s OK, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheap!
I agree totally with Lee’s statement. Being cheap and having limited resources are two different circumstances and shouldn’t being confused. If a person cannot accept the other’s spending ability or preferences, then by all means move on quickly, but by consequently attaching a negative label displays a character flaw that may result in more disappointment for the first person in the future.
The way someone handles money says it all….No question….The truth is…..You should take someone out…Spend what you can afford…….Be a gent…..You are making an impression…….Like everything……It’s not about anything other than the first meeting and first impression……Water seeks its own level..For me? I take care of myself ..Can afford whatever I chooose and actually am a great cook….Therefore…I expect class…..That’s it….Now what is the definition? That’s another story…
It seems that some women insist on equal treatment with men in most areas, but feel free to pass harsh judgment on a man who is either on a budget or who spends money but doesn’t lavish it on things that aren’t really essential. I would say that if a woman uses coupons and other cost-cutting measures herself, who is she to criticize a
man who — especially before he gets to know if he even wants to know her better — does the same? I once met a woman who invited me to go on a cruise with her. I was perfectly willing to pay my share, until I found out that she insisted on booking a suite with a verandah. Most experienced (and not wealthy)people who have cruised before try to get the least expenside cabins because they realize that if they’re enjoying the cruise they will spend very little time in the cabin — basically changing clothes or sleeping. And one of the silliest wastes of money is paying extra for a cabin with a view on a transatlantic cruise, when for several days all you can see is the horizon.
So ladies, if you want equal treatment, please accept it graciously.
I disagree – coupons are part of our culture and not a negative thing. They make products and services more attractive, not less. Groupon is a great example – I think everyone should use a coupon on the first date just to uncover elitist superficial attitudes – save money .. and time.
Oh my Gosh. Coupons are NOT ok on a first or second date. Period. I briefly dated a man with a passport card and every date was chosen off his passport card. He was also 50 and lived in his mothers basement. Enough said. I’m not after your money. But I’m not a discount date either. Make me feel special and I’ll make you feel special and pulling out the BOGO on a date – doesn’t make her feel special. You could have eaten at the same place for the same price without me!
So I have a question – at what date specifically is it “ok” to use a coupon? 4th? 5th? 10th? This is really unbelievable in my mind. Are we all so fake that we try to be who we aren’t on the first dates to try to “suck the person in” with actions we wouldn’t do on date 10? I have always paid for first dates – I’m lucky to be well off so it’s not an issue – and if I save $10 on the first date I’m tacky or cheap? Does she really care that I paid $65 for dinner when I should have paid $75? If you care, you are entitled to your opinion I suppose, but we’re probably not for each other anyway. If you stuck around you might find out that “cheapskate” owns his own airplane and will take you anywhere you want to go – and not ask for a dime in return, not even a fee for checked luggage
– I don’t know that I ever have used a coupon first date but I would if I had one – and yes it’s pretty sad that I would feel funny about it, but I would do it. I can’t help but find this distressing – don’t use it on the first date because someone will judge you, but it’s OK to save money after date #5 because you paid full price a few times, so that proves you’re not cheap. Huh?
I’ve not had a date use a coupon, but it would not bother me at all if he did. In fact, I would respect his frugality. I agree with the posters above who say that using a coupon is not being cheap.
Btw, with online dating, before we meet for the first date, I suggest that we each pay our own way. I don’t think it’s fair for the man to pay for all those first meetings. Only one of the 11 men I’ve met through online dating refused to allow me to pay my way on the first date. Since it was a relatively inexpensive lunch date, I didn’t push it.
Tom, I asked a female friend for that same advice. My circumstances were slightly different as the person I was seeing was paying for dates at full price whereas it was bothering me that I either had a coupon or knew the place we were going to offered discounts. My friend’s advice was not to use coupons until you have seen the other person naked. Frankly, it makes sense, if you feel comfortable enough showing your body, they should be able to accept your frugality.
Right on. I got enough money for me and a family if I had one, but maybe that’s because I’ll take someone out on a date on a Tuesday, because I know there is half-priced wine. These women seem to think it’s being “cheap” and associate guys who don’t have their finances together with people who use coupons. I believe it’s the wise decision to save small amounts on regular things, so you can spend large on big things you want to do too
I understand how girls feel about coupons, so I would never use one.
Does a $24 dollar filet taste better than the same filet at $12?
I know that a coupon drowns the romance for a woman, but they are incredibly shallow for thinking that way.
“But I’m not a discount date either.”
Right! I’m not buying YOU, I’m buying a meal. Get over it.
Did you forget that I’M PAYING FOR IT, SO WHY ARE YOU SO RUDE AS TO EVEN NOTICE WHAT THE PRICE IS?!
There is a quantum difference between being cheap and being frugal. Anyone, male or female, who intentionally refuses to use a coupon to somewhere they were going, or wanted to go, obviously has less brains than money (I’m talking decent dining, of course – NO FAST FOOD!). If you’re going to be so haphazard with your finances initially, that tells me one of two things.
1. You think that by spending, spending, spending, it impresses the other person into liking you.
OR
2. You’re so afraid of what the other person will think of you that you don’t have the backbone to be fiscally responsible.
Either way, anyone like that is no one I want to be associated with as it leaves me with the impression that you cannot intelligently manage your finances.
I make good money, pretty darned good money, actually, and I most assuredly don’t make it just so I can lackadaisically throw it away or try to impress someone.
i do find it humorous however……..have fun deciding at what point you should pull out those groupons…..What date number….And pondering your navel…..
Tom, I completely agree with you.
This is such an interesting topic. If I were a woman being asked out for dinner, the last thing I would do is critically judge someone by how he payed for the dinner. After all, is it really the business or concern of the person being treated to dinner?
What does that say about the person who is being treated and does not appreciate the kindness of someone who shows an interest in them. I would think that thanking them would be a much more appropriate response to their kindness.
After reading and thinking about some of the womens responses that I have read, it seems like some women are measuring a mans interest in them by how much he spends on them, or making the argument that they deserve better and somehow their worth is tied to how much the person treating spends on them. I think that I can speak for most men and say that is just not the case. It usually has more to do with how someone manages their resources or a way to do something nice for less or in many cases now days trying to do the nicest thing you can with the little that one has.
People with money are usually not opposed to using a coupon or saving money either. Besides, do the ladies really want to shoot down a guy because he is resourceful with his finances? They are much more important things to judge someone by. Go easy on the guys with coupons, because you may pass up a good guy. Also, keep in mind that there are many guys that will not choose to save money and have much bigger issues to consider.
If I were a woman, I would likely focus on is he kind, caring, thoughtful, abusive, using drugs or alcohol to excess, etc.
Keep you eyes on what is truly important and don’t let the good ones slip through your fingers. Best wishes!
Good response, Rob.
This is why I always suggest a group / outdoor activity first. Hike in a group, attend a singles function, museum event, etc. Then you do not have the pressure of trying to make conversation over dinner with someone you barely know and may adversely be influenced by their frugality. If you have done this and believe there is further interest, then a dinner date could be a great 2d or 3d date.
Personally I have no problem with using a groupon as I prefer it too. Why pay full price when you don’t have to? I do think I would ask my date if they are ok with it prior to going on the date as suggested here.
Agree. No coupons before sex or committed relationship whichever comes later. And should be used sparingly, not every date kind of thing.
I am going to throw in a different scenario. I met a guy for the first time and I had a Groupon that was a straight dollar amount that I used towards the total bill. There was no 2 for the price of 1 involved. He seemed pleased that I was willing to share it with him and reduce our bill (which he paid after that!) We never talked about it making ME look cheap but I gladly would have split the bill regardless of whether or not there was a coupon involved. Guess I need to ask him what he thought!
I like a person who is reasonably cost conscious without being a tightwad. Throwing away money needlessly tells me someone is not very intelligent or mature & is all about putting on airs. I’ll bet most women who are put off about men using a discount, are the same women who would want to use that discount if she was splitting the tab or was out with her girlfriends. Since the quality of the meal & service is not at issue and the only difference is at the end when you pay the bill, what’s the problem? My experience is that when women spend their own money, whether it’s for groceries or gifts for others, they usually go for the best sales. Men never seem concerned if a woman gives him a watch she purchased at less than retail. I’ve also never heard of a woman who questioned or cared what her man paid for the convertible that she received as a gift. Grow up folks and quit being so shallow. In most cases we all work for a living and shouldn’t feel we need to foolishly spend money just to impress someone. The court dockets are full of people trying to recover the money they now realize they foolishly spent on someone while trying to impress them.
If a man is going to pay the bill that’s all that matters to me. What does bother me though is when men let you know how much they are spending. If your going to pay have your money or whatnot in order. Someone fumbling though their wallet counting it out and dragging out a coupon in front of you…ugh, why didn’t you just accept my offer to pay. I say don’t make a big deal out of the bill just quietly put your method of payment and coupon (if you have one) discretely in the book. A first date dinner out is like a gift. If you where to give me a present would you leave the price tag on it or tell me you used a coupon. Furthermore don’t go somewhere you can not afford that’s just silly. I wouldn’t go on a date unless I knew I could pay for my portion. That is if he lets me…. Don’t… if you like me…
I would give my date one of MY coupons!
Another thing to consider, if it bothers a woman so much that the man, who is paying for the dinner for BOTH, might be inclined to use a coupon, then she is welcome to pay. I mean, isn’t the largest part of the Women’s Movement about equal and fair treatment?
Perhaps the woman should be the one who pays for ALL of the meals, outings, etc. just so she can see what a financial investment the simple act of courting entails. Perhaps, then, she would better appreciate that, despite common consensus, men simply aren’t made of money and trying to spend wisely doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheap or a skinflint.
Me paying my part of the bill is fine but I was ask out then when we were done he relized he did not have his wallet so I paid the bill. I thought this can be a mistake so give him another try. This has happened more then once.
I would say, Why go to dinner at all? Meet up and have fun… None of the amazing girls I’ve met.. oh you know who you are
really care about dinner, and usually they have more fun doing something else anyways. If you are going to use a coupon no one honestly cares as long as you are having fun and she’s smiling then that’s really what matters.
I would never date anyone again that used a coupon. Call me old fashioned but it’s the ultimate in cheapness and very tacky.
If you really have to use a coupon, go to the restaurant beforehand and speak to the manager.
Mary
This is an interesting discussion for me because I have been financially challenged for 2 years.
I have to avoid dates where payment for a meal is a requirement for the second date. I am a very frugal person anyway and now I have to be. I can say that my home is not in foreclosure and I have A+ credit (A definite lifesaver in this economy) and not a lot of debt.
I feel that a woman that would be interested in me would see that I am struggling and not trip if I use a coupon or I can’t feel comfortable paying for a meal. Hopefully they can see also that my situation is temporary and when things get better (which they are but very slowly), I would step up to be more generous.
Most of my first dates are at inexpensive places or the woman will pay. In later dates, I would save my money to do something special. For some reason these relationships turn out successful.
I have found that the dates I had where the person focused on my “cheapness” were very shallow people anyway. They were not interested in me as a person.
David said it well about people wanting to be impressed by your spending.
I don’t have a problem with coupons everyone needs to save on what ever they can.
Just not on every time.
… what about “tray food”?!?
Best online dating experience was when we started at Starbucks, immediately went bowling and then grabbed something to eat @ Whole Foods. Next outing involved other activities and eating @ Salad Works. Bike riding was next with dinner on the run … and yes, more “tray food”!
Became totally laughable with us since neither one was trying to “impress” the other … were just out to have fun!
It’s what you make it people, so make it fun and stop taking yourselves so seriously!
B
Ladies, we need to remember a couple of things. First, extend grace. Secondly, our value is not set by how much he spends on us. Our value is indepenent and so is his. Let’s just relax and enjoy the richness of his company. Guys, on the flip-side, don’t make check time a big deal either. To coin an earlier post, don’t make a big deal of whipping the coupon and method of payment out. It FEELS uncomfortable for the lady and that’s an emotion you don’t want attached to her memory of you.