Top 10 Things eHarmony Users “Must Have” and “Can’t Stand” in a Relationship Partner

March 11, 2010

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eharmony blog must have and cant stand 650x432 Top 10 Things eHarmony Users “Must Have” and “Can’t Stand” in a Relationship PartnerSince it’s eHarmony’s 10th anniversary this year, we thought we’d share our own “Top 10 List” of interesting, little-known eHarmony facts on a monthly basis. This month, we’ll get right down to it and let you know the top 10 things that eHarmony users want—and don’t want—in a prospective partner.  This information is from the “Must-Have” and “Can’t-Stand” lists that eHarmony users exchange with their matches as part of the Guided Communication process.

Compiling a list of “Must-Haves” and “Can’t-Stands” is very important. According to eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren, it prepares you to be an efficient “mate shopper.” If you know exactly what you’re looking for and what’s important to you, you can better determine if a person is worth pursuing for a long-term relationship quickly, rather than investing time and emotion into someone who is not right for you on a fundamental level.

When two people fail to overlap on anything really important, problems can develop. For example, here’s a scenario from Dr. Warren’s book Date or Soul Mate?:

“Think about the woman who gains most of her meaning in life from conversation with close friends and family…When she goes for very long without connection with someone, she shrinks at the center of herself…Then she meets a good man who has always described himself as a “private person.” He conducts his life from a small headquarters deep within himself to which only he can gain access. He works hard, earns a respectable living, is highly moral, and doesn’t have any major personality flaws. He just never feels comfortable revealing his innermost thoughts and feelings to others.

“[If these two married,] her natural eagerness to share her life, to merge with him, to participate in the give-and-take of verbal interaction would leave her feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. He might try his best, but his best efforts would likely fall short…They could both be saved incalculable pain if she wrote COMMUNICATOR at the top of her must-have list.”

Read below to find out what’s most frequently on eHarmony users’ Must-Have and Can’t-Stand lists, and see how they match up to your own.

Top 10 Must-Haves

  1. Sense of Humor. I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
  2. Affectionate. I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
  3. Loyal. I must have someone I can count on to always be in my corner.
  4. Chemistry. I must feel deeply in love and attracted to my partner.
  5. Communicator. I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.
  6. Responsible. My partner must be financially responsible.
  7. Family Life. I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
  8. Strong Character. I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
  9. Emotionally Healthy. I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone else.
  10. Passionate. I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.

Top 10 Can’t-Stands

  1. Lying. I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone—especially to me.
  2. Cheating. I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
  3. Infidelity. I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
  4. Poor Hygiene. I can’t stand someone who is not clean.
  5. Rude. I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient, or hateful to people in any situation.
  6. Mean-Spirited. I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
  7. Drugs. I can’t stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
  8. Angry. I can’t stand someone who can’t manage his or her anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.
  9. Undependable. I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
  10. Racist. I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which he or she belongs is superior to the rest of humanity.
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